16 Things In 2016

2016 was rough! The country endured a tumultuous, divisive election. Many people experienced a surplus of painful, difficult, and downright rude experiences; the #unnecessaryinsults were plentiful this year. In spite of these things, 2016 was not all bad. Today I took a moment to think about 16 good, positive, and/or happy things that happened in my life and/or the lives of those I love. I encourage you to do the same.
#16thingsin2016

1. My mother married someone who loves her, respects her, and makes her laugh...A LOT! (I'm talking fits of laughter. It's good to see.)

2. I witnessed my youngest brother become a responsible young man, and he became a husband.

3. I am an Auntie-to-be! (My aboved mentioned brother and sister-in-love are expecting their first child, my mom's first grandchild.)

4. I [finally] started driving and got my drivers license and a car. (Refer to my blog post, Anxiety Suffered Casualties, to understand why this could possibly make the list.)

5. I moved to a different city.

6. I made the highest hourly wage of my professional career...so far.

7. I started working in an environment that is absolutely good for me. I love it!

8. I saw a beloved friend for the first time in about six years.

9. I moved so much closer to authenticity this year, and it felt good!

10. I settled on a permanent name for my blog. Shout out @Unnecessary_Insults!

11. I became celibate. (For me, at this point in my life, this is a really good thing.)

12. Multiple unhealthy relationships & friendships ended.

13. My younger brother got into fabulous shape, became health conscious, and is a constant source of inspiration/motivation to me and others. Shout out to my Bubba.

14. My uncle is home after spending many years incarcerated. (I know this would have filled my Granny's heart with happiness.)

15. My relationship with both of my parents has improved, and I better understand and appreciate them.

16. I shared so many good, hearty, soul-needed laughs with Grandma who is still with us today.

Roadblock: Algophobic Masochist Part II

Too much love to prevent forgiveness.
Too much hurt to allow forgetting.
Though I've had my share of obstacles,
You're the most challenging yet.
My heart won't let me get over you.
The memories won't let me move pass.
There is no way around you.
You're a roadblock in my path,
Stubborn and immovable
In the annoying way that you are.
Keen to my weaknesses;
Knowing I wouldn't get too far
Before reaching for you once more.
And you, strong and tired,
Quietly celebrated another win
Over my heart and body
Which this time I voluntarily surrendered.
I remember times when that was not the case;
When my protesting fell on deaf ears;
When you didn't consider the fear
Evident on my tear-stained face.
Although it was I in need of consolation,
The following morning, inevitably,
I was comforting you.
Wiping tears from your eyes,
Showering affection and love,
Reminding you of your goodness,
And reassuring you
That come hell or high water,
Nothing could separate us.
Lacking full range of motion in my neck,
I managed to turn your countenance.
My head throbbing with pain,
And I alleviated your worries.
Body sore, mentally exhausted, I
In love and in madness,
Found a way to care for you
As if, of the two of us,
You were the only one that mattered.
We were equally surprised
When I finally had enough;
When the apologies proved insufficient;
When my loyalty shifted;
When I became the victor.
I was both saddened and disappointed
That I couldn't celebrate for long.
Even in this new found bravery,
Love for you consistently accosted me,
And I'm wondering if you're okay.
I find myself wandering
Through the previous stage.
It feels like I'm betraying myself
Because my heart won't let me get over you,
And the memories won't let me move pass.
There is no way around you.
You're a roadblock in my path,
Stubborn and immovable
In the infuriating way that you are.

Starbucks Green Cup Soapbox

Disclaimer:
This is my opinion. You may or may not agree with my perspective. I will not debate my feelings, or dispute your feelings. We can agree to disagree.

My Soapbox:

People often say/post that this is a Christian nation, our founding fathers believed in God, and we are moving away from God. I am far from an expert on the matter, but I disagree.

If our founders wanted a government intertwined with religion they would have established a theocracy. They didn't. They established a Democratic Republic ruled by a document that is able to evolve with the times. That's part of what makes the  Constitution of the United States so damn awesome. It was written in 1787, and it still has utility. It's still relevant. It's still the Supreme Law of the Land.

The Constitution, folks, not the Holy Bible is the "Supreme Law" of the United States of America. I do not believe the nation was ever intended to exist in proximity to God, and therefore "moving away from God" is not legally relevant or inherently bad for the country. I would argue that our nation is moving towards its core values, and it should.

My Beliefs:

I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, born of a virgin, who died on the cross, and was raised from the dead three days later. I believe that Jesus is my and all people's "kinsman redeemer." I believe that the Bible is the Word of God. Since I profess to be apart of the body of Christ, the Word of God should be the "Supreme Law" of my life and home. If I were married and/or had children, the Bible would be the supreme law of my family.

The point is that as a Christian, I should govern my life according to Biblical truths, and I should be moving closer to God. This is personal. It has nothing to do with the government.

I think we are confused.

The government should govern the land according to the Law, the Constitution, and Christians should govern themselves, their families, and homes according to the Word. For those who believe in Christ, we are Christian people living in an explicitly Democratic nation. We are not a God ruled nation. We are people ruled nation.

I was not always able to reconcile my values as Christian with our values as a nation. I thought I had to choose one set of values over the other. I thought I had to vote in a way so that the country is not "moving away from God." That is far from the truth. I have my religious and personal values, and I have my legal and political values.

"And Jesus answering said unto them, Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's. And they marvelled at him."
Mark 12:17 KJV

Same-sex couples should have the right to marry. It is a legal right afforded to them by the Constitution. Same-sex couples legal right to marry does not negate Christians' biblical responsibility to be a representation of Christ and the church in marriage. You can still practice Ephesians 5.

Everyone does not celebrate Christmas. There are Christians who do not celebrate Christmas. So what? "Happy Holidays" is not a big middle finger to the Christian faith. Calm down.

Newsflash:
The birth of Jesus won't go unrecognized because the Starbucks Green Cup is focused on diversity and community. Christian values won't be thwarted by one cup. Christianity is not that fragile.

I find it fascinating that we want to the public, Christians and non-Christians alike, to recognize and respect the same God we so often disregard in private.

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe I'm the only fouled mouth, unloving sinner whose personal agenda is often so important that I don't even consider the will of God. Maybe I'm the only one who has a lot going in her life and mind that is not pleasing to God. Maybe I'm the only one who has a plank in her eye.

If we are being real with ourselves and the world, we would acknowledge that there are many Christians living with their own daily paradoxes. There many Christians who would never want their private lives under the public's microscope. There are many Christians who wouldn't want the world and definitely not their churches seeing their Internet history, reading their text messages, witnessing their interactions with their spouses and children, and the list goes on and on.

We really should stop crucifying people AND businesses for every perceived slight to our faith. We are the main offenders. We keep trying to get the world to conform to Christianity despite the fact that the Word instructs us not to conform to the world.

Apart from me, you can do nothing.

Jesus said, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that does not produce fruit. He also trims every branch that produces fruit to prepare it to produce even more. You have already been prepared to produce more fruit by the teaching I have given you. Stay joined to me and I will stay joined to you. No branch can produce fruit alone. It must stay connected to the vine. It is the same with you. You cannot produce fruit alone. You must stay joined to me.  “I am the vine, and you are the branches. If you stay joined to me, and I to you, you will produce plenty of fruit. But separated from me you won’t be able to do anything.
John 15:1-5 ERV

At the height of my pridefulness, I was certain the last part of John 15: 1-5 did not apply to me. For "some" reason, "Apart from me, you can do nothing" was involuntarily recalled over and over during the past 5 years. I kept dismissing it.

I remember thinking, "I am capable of making good decisions to get good results." "People use Christianity as a crutch." "There are people who do not believe who are productive and successful." "I'm not going to use Christ to cope with life."

And, like the prodigal son, I set out with my "smart," "resourceful," "not weak," and "capable-of-making-good-decisions" self  and decided I would realize my vision for my life without God's help.

I made some of the poorest decisions. I did some things I never thought I would do. I went through some things that left me depleted. Everything, even things that were once natural for me, became a struggle.

I was losing at life, yall. Incredibly frustrated, hurt, broken, angry, ashamed, embarrassed, and still I was too prideful to genuinely ask for forgiveness and for my Father's help.

I was the lord of my life. My will mattered most to me. My vision for myself was most important to me. I did what I wanted to do.

Pride is the first step toward destruction. Proud thoughts will lead you to defeat. (Proverbs 16:18 ERV) I was racing towards destruction and being defeated in many areas along the way. It is ONLY because of my Father's lovingkindness, grace, and mercy that I was halted and humbled before I reached destruction. 

Apart from God, I can do nothing; 
for in Him I live, and move, and have my being. If that makes me weak, great! His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Don't be satan-deceived and self-deceived. You need God. I need God. We need God, yall. Our adversary desires to kill us, destroy us, steal from us, deceive us, and separate us from our Father eternally and while we are living on this earth.

But God...

Thank God, we can say " but God!" God wants to love on us, save us, teach us, guide us, restore us, heal us, and give us "life, life, and more life."

Now, that I have learned that apart from Him I can do nothing, I am ready to witness all the things I can do through Christ who gives me strength. I'm so excited!

"I don’t mean that I am exactly what God wants me to be. I have not yet reached that goal. But I continue trying to reach it and make it mine. That’s what Christ Jesus wants me to do. It is the reason he made me his. Brothers and sisters, I know that I still have a long way to go. But there is one thing I do: I forget what is in the past and try as hard as I can to reach the goal before me. I keep running hard toward the finish line to get the prize that is mine because God has called me through Christ Jesus to life up there in heaven."
Philippians 3:12-14 ERV

#ThereIsAReasonItIsCalledGoodNews

Motherhood: My Opportunity Cost

Do I want to be a mother? I have blogged about the topic before; it is a life decision that I often revisit. Deeper into the throes of my twenties and I find it necessary to make an informed decision and move forward. To do so, I have to have brutally honest conversations with myself about the direction my life is going and the direction I want it to go.

What's my God-given purpose?

Who am I?

Why do I behave and think as I do?

What do I love doing?

When and how do I plan on changing what I CAN change?

What city will I settle in?

When will I finish my degree?

Will I need more schooling?

How will I pay off all of my debt?

How long will it take to raise and stabilize my credit score?

Which job should I take?

Where is my relationship going?

Do I really want to be married again?

Do I want be a mother?

While I do not have all the answers, I have decided that I do not want to a mother.

I do not think the reasons for or against the decision to become a parent are universal. My logic may not apply to all or most people. That's okay. I know I am making a well-informed decision about motherhood and my life. I know my decision will help me be fair and transparent. Knowing

my stance gives me an opportunity to have an honest and open conversation with my partner who may or may not decide my life decision is right for him.

Because of my past baby fever bouts, obsession with baby names, and indecisiveness on this issue, I know some of my family members and friends are going to dismiss this as another phase. I know there will be those who will say this decision will change in time. I know someone, in an attempt to be encouraging, will assure me that I'll be a good mother.

I disagree. This is my truth and ultimately my decision. Here, in no particular order, are some of the reasons I am choosing not to be a mother.

Mental Health:

I have an ongoing struggle with depression and anxiety. In the past, I have considered suicide. (Thank God, that's no longer the case.) I do not always cope with life and stress in a healthy way. While I hope these are issues I will overcome in time with prayer,  counseling, and better choices, I don't want to take the risk. I know how hard it can be on the people who know me best and love me. 

I Am Difficult To Live With:

This is an unflattering fact. Ask my parents, brothers, ex-husband, and current boyfriend. I am particular. I can be direct and stern. I am opinionated and argumentative. Most difficult for me to openly admit is the ugly truth that I am often on the border of mean and rude, and I can be an aggressive bully. If I am a challenge for adults who deal with me on a full-time, daily basis, how would a child fare?

 I have never mistreated a child, and I would never mistreat a child. I genuinely love children. I have, however, mistreated people I loved. While I strive to be a better person, to be a consistently kind, tender, affectionate, patient, loving person, I am often the opposite. If I do not live harmoniously with myself and the adults in my life, I still have a lot of learning and growing and humbling to do.

Finances:

Being completely transparent, my finances cannot support a child. At 26, I am still in the building phase. I do not know if this is normal or not, but I do know I could not provide for a child in the way that I would hope. I have credit card debit, student loans, a car payment, car insurance, health and dental insurance, rent, renter's insurance, a phone bill, internet, fuel, Netflix, Hulu, and so on and so forth.

After I am finished building and finally able to afford to splurge on all the things I'd like to, I have already mentally committed myself to other financial responsibilities. I want to be positioned so that my brothers always have someone they can come to when a need arises. I want to be able to take good care of my parents when they can no longer do for themselves. I am an auntie-to-be, and I plan on playing an active role with my niece.  (I'd like to be able to do generously for all my future nieces and nephews.)

There are so many people I'd like to invest time and resources in, and I want them to stay a priority.

Selfishness:

Truth be told, I think my life has been had more bad days than good thus far, and I'd like to think things will get easier. I have faith that they will. I believe I will reach a place where I am comfortable in my own skin, comfortable in my finances, doing what I love, travelling often, and really, really, enjoying my life. During this time, I want only to have to consider my wishes and well-being and the wishes and well-being of my significant other. That's selfish; I know. It may even be reprehensible to some, but it's true for me.

I want to practice generativity and participate in volunteerism. I want to be a generous, caring individual. I want to contribute to society in a positive, tangible way. I want to work hard and build a fruitful, long-lasting career. I also want to be able to come home at day's end and do absolutely nothing if I so desire. I want to sleep in when I want to. I want to be able to go and come as I please.

Speaking of Work:

I enjoying working and I haven't even gotten settled into a career. As an hourly employee, I pride myself on dedicating myself to work. I actually like working six or seven days a week. I like being flexible, the ability to work as late as needed, and the freedom to work as much as I'd like. I know this will go into overdrive when I become a salaried employee/ obtain a leadership role and eventually own my business. (I have several business ideas that I'd like to see actualized.)

I know many women balance their professional and family lives well. I know motherhood and a career are not mutually exclusive. It's just my preference not to have this particular challenge.

Single Parenthood:

Frankly, I am afraid of single parenthood, and I have no desire to ever be a single mother. I know many wonderful single parents, including my own mother, and this is no slight to them. I admire their strength.

There are no guarantees. Relationships fail. I've been married and divorced, so I know marriages fail. (Second marriages have an even higher rate of divorce than first marriages.) Even if I am in a successful marriage, something could happen beyond control, and I could end up a single parent. Death is often unexpected.

Due to my personal experiences and observations of others, I would want my children raised in a loving, stable home with two mentally, emotionally, spiritually healthy parents. There is always a chance it will not happen that way, and I am not willing to take the risk.

Solitude:

In the words of a fellow blogger:

"I am a nasty sort of introvert who occasionally needs everyone and everything to just f*** off for a while and let me watch twelve consecutive episodes of 'MasterChef: Canada' in peace while I nurture the last remaining ember of my sanity and patience back to a sustainable smolder." I need solitude. I value quiet and stillness. I think it would be unreasonable and wrong to infringe on a child's right to be a child or access to his/her parent whenever my need for absolute stillness arises.

Finally:

I firmly believe children are gifts from God. I believe they are never "accidents," and it is an honor to be parent. There are so many good, invested, loving parents, and I am grateful for the role they play in shaping the future generations. It is truly admirable. My decision not to be a parent is not a condemnation of those who are parents. I want to stress that.

Motherhood is a choice.

 I know by forgoing it, I'll be missing out on many cherishable things. "Opportunity cost," an economic term I learned my freshman year of college (shout out OPSU), keeps flashing through my mind as I write this post. It seems so applicable here.

Motherhood has value; it will always be, an opportunity cost for me. I am choosing an alternative path. I choose to give up motherhood and its benefits, both perceived and actual, to pursue a different course for my life. And, there's nothing wrong about that. 

It does not have to be a popular, well-embraced decision to be the best decision for me.

Unnecessary Insults: Three

Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding."

While the well-known verse from Proverbs offers sound advice, I am not always keen on getting an understanding, particularly an understanding of my parents. My mom and dad have been at the receiving end of some harsh, expressed and unexpressed feelings and judgments.

When I perceived either of them (1) hurt me and negatively (2) affected me, (3) influenced who I am, or (4) interfered with my goals, their actions fell into an unacceptable zone where I was not concerned about the why. Exercising selfishness and hypocrisy, I created utility in every negative experience, allowing them to become integral parts of the narrative I tell about myself. After all, they provide solid explanations for my bad behaviors. I always seek to better understand myself and help others understand me.

I cannot minimize how I harped,  internally of course, on my dad's incarceration. We are 16 or 17 years post his release, and his fall into the "unacceptable zone" is still a factor. In fact it was a central theme behind the first Unnecessary Insults post I wrote. In the most nuanced ways, I felt his nine or ten year absence due to incarceration.

I recently watched Director Ava Duvernay's documentary, 13th. If you have not saw it, I strongly recommend you watch it. (It's available on Netflix.) Although I was not looking for one, this documentary provided a context for my dad's incarceration. It prompted me to do my research. Among other topics, I decided to research my dad's criminal history, and I purchased the $3.32 public record criminal record.

His record revealed two arrests.

He was arrested on March 14, 1990 in Hunt County for failure to identify, a misdemeanor. His second arrest occurred on August 7, 1990 in Sulphur Springs of Hopkins County, Texas. My dad, 19 years old at the time, was sentenced to 35 years for Burglary of a Habitation, a felony offense.

And, it all connected.

The "War on Crime" and mass incarceration explored in 13th documentary and my dad's accounts of his experiences, previously discounted by me, made sense.

I believe in upholding the law. If anyone, including my loved ones, commits a crime, punishment is indeed warranted. However in my dad's particular case, I am not and cannot be convinced that 35 years was a proportionate punishment. To be clear, I am not objective, but  I do not believe those who dispensed "justice" showed objectivity in his case either.

For the first time, I genuinely understand my dad. I cannot claim to understand what it's like to spend ten years in prison, "a system, some say, is designed to break individuals within 60 days." I cannot claim to understand what it's like to be on parole for twenty-five years and disenfranchised for a lifetime. I cannot understand what it's like to grow up behind bars and miss some of the most significant moments of your life and your children's lives. I can say that I have finally given my dad the consideration he deserves. I considered his past and present experiences and his current worldview with the goal of understanding.

Prior to watching this documentary that I felt so personally, I attributed my dad's actions at 19 years of age to poor choices. His consequences, then, were the result of HIS poor choices. In this view, my sisters and I were the victims of his crime. Most insulting to my dad, from my now soften perspective, is the fact that I never considered the political agenda or racial inherences of 1990s and prior decades. I never felt the need to research his criminal record or question his case because I had no curiosity that need satisfying. Just like the politicians and the justice system, I adopted a "tough on crime" attitude and relegated him with prejudice.

Emotional and sympathetic, I immediately attempted to get my dad on the phone.

Unnecessary Insults: Two

Do I want children?

I have always and will always have the answer to that question. Yes! Yes, I WANT children. I desire to have a child. I've, at various points, wished for a child. I love children. Rather I become a mother or not, I believe I will always have some degree of want for a child. Wanting a child is not the issue.

Will I be a good mother?

This is the question that causes the most angst. I can be somewhat of a mess. I have my issues, intricacies, and incongruences. I can have the best intentions and still not produce. I have said and did things that hurt people I love. I am difficult to live with. I am too stubborn, particular, and serious. I am me, and I am self-aware. When I examine myself fully, considering both my good and bad qualities, I cannot answer this question definitively.

Baby fever and parental fear have been concomitantly present in my adult life. The idea of being a catalyst for life, loving, teaching, and being connected to someone as a mother parallel to the fear of being a "bad" parent, passing down undesirable traits and habits, and hurting, in anyway, the child(ren) God entrusted me to care for has waged an emotion versus logic debate within myself.

Marriage was the deciding factor. When I became a wife, I experienced a raging case of baby fever. I definitely wanted a baby and motherhood.

I must have spent hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests. I toyed with babies names. I would drag my then husband to the baby section of stores. I campaigned relentlessly for Baby McDonald. We were married. We would have a two parent household. (I didn't have that and most certainly wanted it for my future children.) We actually could support a child financially. Our parents would be active grandparents; we wouldn't even have to worry about childcare. Their first grandchild! I read lots of articles; everything doesn't have to be perfect.

In hindsight, thankfully my ex-husband was unwavering. In our three year course of marriage, I did not have a pregnancy or child.

Now, you can imagine how incredibly flabbergasted I was on Saturday, November 28, 2015 when I found out I was pregnant. Post separation from my husband, with an impending divorce; a single woman in a single income household, and I was pregnant. Nothing was according to my plan. The examination of every circumstance seemed to validate my fear of parenthood.

Even in the presence of that fear the baby fever and excitement would not subside. I immediately began planning life adjustments for Baby McMillian. No, everything was not ideal, but it had finally happened. I was pregnant! Afterall, I've always wanted a child. Wouldn't I do everything necessary to be a good mother?

On Saturday, December 5, 2016, exactly one week later, I had a spontaneous abortion. I was six weeks pregnant when I miscarried.

It was one of the most bizarre emotional weeks of my life. I couldn't help but feel like the target of an unkind joke. Most insulting to me, however, is that the experience did not resolve the baby fever or eradicate the parental fear.

Do I want children?
Absolutely.

Will I be a good mother?
Sighs...