The Anatomy of Finality

My energy will not hold you.

My body will not please you.

My mind will not sharpen you.

My time will not pass for you.

My empathy will not understand you.

My intelligence will not challenge you.

My humility will not chase you.

My comfort will not soothe you.

My grace will not soften for you.

My forgiveness will not repair this with you.

My wisdom will not elevate you.

My conversation will not stimulate you.

My prayers will not cover you.

My awareness will not extend to you.

My presence will not entertain you.

My love will not see the best in you.

Never.

Ever.

Again.

You exceeded my capacity and my generosity.

Finally.

Access is denied.

Finally.

In perpetuity,

This is finally done.

With self-respect,

LeKechia Lyshell 

Dear Elijah John

I'm not mad. 

Of course, I'm not. I can't linger in anger at you too long. As difficult as that makes resolve, I don't resent it. I like how I soften concerning you. I appreciate that I have to work hard to harden when it comes to you.

It says so much about my growth and the condition of my heart.

I am disappointed. 

I know we're so much more creative than this cliche shit.

I am sad.

I believed you to be my person. That's wild. I know. Presumptuous? I know. Humorously optimistic? I know. I know.

I'm sitting here thinking about what I want to say. What I want to hear. And Liz Gilbert’s words come to mind:

"I want, I want, I want—there it is again: the ferocious drumbeat of the ego, pounding away within the blistering furnace of the self. While meanwhile the truth remains standing in the center of the room—patient and timeless—gazing at me with maddening indifference, waiting for me to address it at last. So. Let us surrender now and address that truth."

There are so many truths fighting for acknowledgement. Which should take center stage? Yours? Mine? Hmmmm.

In this moment, the most generous interpretation I can give to the both of us is this:

We are two people who like and enjoy each other. Between us there's care, joy, and some budding iteration of love. And as much as we want to be in each other's lives, right now, that's too painful. Too complicated. So, we are releasing this connection. We wish each other all the best. This is more bitter than sweet, but that's okay. We'll be okay.

Love you, "Elijah John."

Like you too.