March 25th

When I started this writing, feeling anxious and fearful, I wrote: My deepest fear used to be arriving to the end of my life unaccomplished, not actualized, with great potential and minimal results. Now I am afraid of reaching the end of my life traumatized, unhealed, and unproductive in the sense of a healthy, in tact soul bearing fruit.

I stopped writing in the notes of my phone, picked up a pen, and started to journal.  Then I made a cup of tea. I lit a calming candle. I sat with the part of me stuck in the future and the part stuck in the past. We cried. I soothed my parts with understanding and patience. I was gentle with us as I brought us back to now. 

Here, right now, in this moment, I am safe.

In our last session, my therapist reminded me of the following:

1. Trust your intuition, but not the mind.

2. Pay attention to trauma responses.

3. [Ask] Where is this stemming from?

4. Triggers are an opportunity to go within; never to project.

I leaned into those reminders today.

What is unconditional self love?

What is love?

#therapysaturdays - After this morning's session, I was trying to journal without much success. I was writing, but I was not getting clarity. As much as I love to write, there are things I need to talk out. This was one of them. I'm sharing because (1) I think more conversations about self-love, acceptance, and compassion should happen. (2) It feels honest. (3) Sometimes, we need to open our mouths and speak to loud thoughts.

It occurred to me that I am not the moderator of my mind. I am not here to facilitate a conversation and give negativity its turn to be heard. I am the proponent of my own wisdom, truth, and acceptance. I must interrupt and disrupt the destructive patterns. I am the instigator of my life's freedom and peace. And, I get to be aggressive about that. Robert's Rules of Order do not apply in this quest for mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

"...I'm speaking. I'm speaking," so "Peace, be still."