Catharsis
ca·thar·sis
\kə-ˈthär-səs\
noun
The process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.
Aftermath:
I still chuckle thinking about the irony. We were together for one semester, and we spent the yearS that followed completely frustrated with one another, somewhat cool, or somewhere in between. The aftermath lasted longer than the relationship. Now that I have a better relationship with my sanity, I can laugh at that.
There's nothing humorous, however, about how unfair I was to you. I won't offer any more excuses; I'm just here to provide an unsolicited explanation and apology. Here's the thing. You and I crossed paths when I was nineteen years old. I was a serial monogamist, and the thing I needed most was a break. I had been in a relationship, consistently, since I was fourteen. I was ready to have fun and enjoy being away from home.
I should have brought all of that to your attention. I didn't because I was 100% selfish. I enjoyed you. I enjoyed our accelerated, intense relationship and all that came with it. I enjoyed your company. I enjoyed our deep conversations and passionate debates. I enjoyed the madness that we both possessed. I enjoyed being your girlfriend although I wasn't ready to be a girlfriend. Clear as mud?
I'm sorry for not giving you all the information from the beginning, so you could make an informed decision about me. I'm sorry for any hurt my selfishness brought you. And, I wish you well. You are a good-hearted, funny, intelligent, beautiful man whose deserving of reciprocity, honesty, love, and happiness from life and your partner. I hope you've found all of that and so much more.
I used to feel pissed about the slew of reminders coming from you. I always processed them as insults intended to make me feel guilty about my behavior. (Some of them probably were, but that's not the point.) Now that I'm actually trying to "stay above reproach," I can appreciate them. The day you said "you are more than your sexuality" meant more to me, at that time and now, than I can express. Thank you for seeing and saying that before I even grasped it.
