Presence vs. Appearance

Part of my story and truth is that I felt and acted as if I were being punished through my appearance. I felt "ugly." I know that reads harsh. 

It feels harsher. 

I wore my mother's bras at 11 or 12. I was bigger than most of my classmates and cousins. I hated my big breasts and nose. I hated my smile. I hated that my skin was in between - neither that deep, rich chocolate nor that light, highly-praised yellow. 

The larger I felt, the more I shrank.

Growing up a fat, black, hairy girl with a crooked smile felt, to my young self, like God had surely forsaken me. 

I love Celie (The Color Purple) so much because she knows and expresses what it is like to be traumatized, overlooked, and unremarkable. Still, she overcomes. I am thankful Alice Walker put the following words in Celie's heart:

I'm pore, I'm black, I may be ugly and can't cook, a voice say to everything listening. But I'm here.

She articulated truth and affirmation. She touched the part of me that needed to know presence (being) is more important than appearance.

When I read Vashti Harrison's newly released children's book, Big, I cried for the little girl me. I wish I had this story as a child. It is beautifully affirming.

I am learning and unlearning. 

"Pretty" and "beautiful" make me recoil; being called either triggers inner conversations that are uncomfortable. I still think about my appearance more than I'd like. Though I still must fight between self-acceptance and rejection; though I must separate the voices in my head as sheep and goats, I know a few things to be truth:

1. Moments, by definition, are brief.

2. Life and being are never punishments no matter how they feel/look in any given moment.

3. Freedom is always worth the fight.

4. The asshole voices - from without and within - must be shouted down even if that shout is a whisper.

5. Everyone should read The Color Purple and Big.

6. Acting ugly sometimes has nothing to do with bad behavior. Sometimes, it means acting unworthy.

Amending the words of my beloved Maya Angelou:

Now I understand

Just why my head’s cannot be bowed.   I don’t need to shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.   

When I see me passing,

It ought to make me proud.

P.S.: Someone called me pretty today. Clearly, it went over well.

Release

I hope life treats you kind, and I hope you have all you've dreamed of. And I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this, I wish you love. 

- Whitney Houston | I Will Always Love You

Sweet Delusions

Last night, I was a believer. 

As bodies intertwined and conversation seduced minds, an ocean and mountain collided. 

They conspired. This is Nirvana. 

Pleasure-induced devotion made explicit the unspoken, and we rode wave after wave. 

Last night, it was easy to believe in eternities. 

Roots

I follow my instinct. I trust her because she is grounded in wisdom and truth. I listen because I experience prolonged hardship every time I override her.

When she says "You need to go," I ruminate for as long as I can. I argue. I consider the upsides and losses. Then, I go. 

My purpose is to find mental freedom and emotional well-being; to live, love, and relate with peace, clarity, and authenticity; and to disrupt the mechanisms that allow destructive cycles to exist in my life. 

I thought that last part was tied to my education, career, and finances - upward mobility - doing and having things worthwhile. I woke up with awareness that it is tied to my ability to ask harder questions; seek deeper understanding; incorporate what I learn into daily practices; and trust my inner wisdom.

There is much beauty and majesty in trees. I love and adore them. There is much beauty and majesty in roots. I respect and appreciate them. While I will always stop and thank my Creator for Their trees and the trees for their being, I will not be rooted until my knowing knows.

...

We can admire, revere, and appreciate without the desire to emulate.

...

A few trees I have appreciated over the years. 

Necessary Lessons: Honesty

Over and over again, my father told me some version of, "No matter what you tell me or anybody else, keep it real with LeKechia." Focused on his delivery, I missed my lesson. He was right.

Honesty with self is paramount.

When you lie to self, you are in trouble. When you create from self-deception, you do build something dysfunctional. It breeds stagnation, confusion, and incongruency. 

I want to use my creative force in the direction of things that are true to/for me instead of inventing ways to fit into comfortable lies. I will step into my power by walking in my truth. The culture I want to build in my home, family, and relationships starts with keeping it real with LeKechia.

What is unconditional self love?

What is love?

#therapysaturdays - After this morning's session, I was trying to journal without much success. I was writing, but I was not getting clarity. As much as I love to write, there are things I need to talk out. This was one of them. I'm sharing because (1) I think more conversations about self-love, acceptance, and compassion should happen. (2) It feels honest. (3) Sometimes, we need to open our mouths and speak to loud thoughts.

It occurred to me that I am not the moderator of my mind. I am not here to facilitate a conversation and give negativity its turn to be heard. I am the proponent of my own wisdom, truth, and acceptance. I must interrupt and disrupt the destructive patterns. I am the instigator of my life's freedom and peace. And, I get to be aggressive about that. Robert's Rules of Order do not apply in this quest for mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

"...I'm speaking. I'm speaking," so "Peace, be still."

The Culture

In this home...

Goodness and mercy follow us.

We believe in love, learning, and exploration.

We talk about our feelings.

We are ourselves.

We are accepted.

We are beloved.

We are safe.

We are held.

We are free.

In this home, we become cycle-breakers.