Life Lessons from a Smoke Detector

I've been living in my apartment for about 7 months now. At some point my bedroom's smoke alarm began beeping, but I never attended to it. I completely tuned it out.

Recently, during two separate phone conversations with two different friends, I was told I need to change the smoke alarm batteries. To them, the beeping was loud and annoying.

I hadn't notice.

For an uncertain duration of time, I became accustomed to a noise that alerts me something needs attention. Something needs to change.

This morning I was awakened, literally and figuratively, by that beeping. When I tried to go back to sleep, I could not. It seemed to have gotten louder. It must have. There is no way I could have ignored this nerve-wracking  sound for 7 months.  I am bothered that I chose to endure the signal rather than rather than make the necessary changes. (I should have changed the batteries. I should have replace the device if the smoke detector's life has ended.)

That pestering smoke alarm beeping has been such a reality check this morning. While reality checks can be rude and harsh, they are necessary.

#knowbetter #dobetter
#DoNotIgnoreTheWarningSigns 

Algophobic Masochist

Hurt masquerading as anger
We both feel the fear and danger
The warning alarms are screaming
Too far gone to heed them
Hearts demanding the brain shut up
It's evident that neither of us gives a fuck
About the ruins that lie in wait
Playing with fire; testing fate
Every kiss nearing the sadness
Every fight compounding the madness
Neither of us want to lose ourselves to other
Neither of us can refuse the energy between us
Fearing the pain and reveling in it:
Algophobic Masochists

Queen of Failed Selfies

Everyone is good at something, and I am particularly skilled at selfie failures. It is challenging for me to capture a "perfect" selfie which is part of the reason I post pictures sporadically.

Since Friday, my 25th birthday, I have been snapping pictures trying to find that one social media ready photo.

The shit isn't working. In every photo, I am blurry, too many flaws are visible, and/or I look super uncomfortable. My quest to find the photo that captured the essence of 25 wasn't going to happen.

Or so I thought...

I am the self-proclaimed Queen of Failed Selfies. I accept my fate.

I will not, now or nor in the future, post a selfie that is going to garner "mad" attention. And, I, like 10 minutes ago, became okay with that. I am a grown ass woman, and I have to start thinking as such.

Why should I feel angst about posting a picture on Facebook? That is petty. It's superficial, and it is bullshit, self-inflicted bullshit.

Because I love to go from one extreme to another, I am now on the side of the spectrum that couldn't care less.

If I post a picture, and I think I look pretty, that's all the validation needed. 

SO...

Those who know me well are aware that I am a bona-fide slack wearer. Jeans make me feel uncomfortable and extremely self-conscious. 

Well today I wore a pair, and I liked it. 

Here's the essence of 25 for me:

A blurry selfie with things that make me self-conscious on full display including my feet that are blending into the carpet for some reason

Lol.

‪#‎enjoy (:

Incongruent living is NOT for me.

I've mastered facades, conformity, passivity, and inauthenticity. I do not want nor do I like the results those things produce.

Now, high on my list of life priorities is being myself and getting my shit together. And, I am not going to apologize if it makes anyone else uncomfortable.

I am purposely caring less about what others think.
I am purposely speaking up.
I am purposely being myself in all of my states including the ones I usually attempt to hide from most people.

Incongruent living is not for me.

Autonomy

Lately, I have been forced to confront many of my truths, and autonomy has been a reoccurring theme during this process. Although I am ashamed to admit it, I am not as autonomous as I believed myself to be, and I have surrendered so many of my freedoms to fear.

Many people do not know this because it's not something I like to advertise, but I do not drive. I know how to drive. I don't. In fact, in the past three years I can count the number of times that I have driven on one hand. Whenever I am behind the wheel of a car, for a reason I yet to discover,  I feel a debilitating amount of anxiety and fear. Consequently, I avoid the act. At 24 years of age, embarrassingly, I am dependent on others for transportation. And, it is not okay.

I had to be somewhere at 7:30 this morning. With limited options and too much pride, I decided I would have to take the bus to get there. You wouldn't believe the courage I had to muster up to follow through with that decision. Again, fear showed its ugly face, and I was incredibly anxious.

What if I got lost in this unfamiliar city? 

What if I was confused and ended up on the wrong bus? 

How would I know I was approaching the correct stop?

 What if I am late?

For this seemingly simple action, I had to have many pep talks with myself and a few with someone else as well. 

I arrived at my destination safely with time to spare. And, I felt empowered and relieved. I was able to get from point A to point B, and I did not have to rely on others to do so. Yes, I used public transportation and relied on a service, but that did not make it any less freeing for me.

Tonight, I decided I wanted to sit at Starbucks, have a drink, and enjoy some personal time. Normally, I would have been at the mercy and whims of someone else to do so. This time I boldly used the same mode of transportation that caused me so much anxiety earlier in the day.

So as I sit drinking my favorite unhealthy and rather expensive drink, I feel a sense of autonomy that I did not have yesterday.

I want to become fully autonomous. I can own my truth and admit that I am not there now. However, with many small steps and little victories over fear and anxiety, I will reclaim my freedom to act and be. Today, I am using the public transportation system. I will own and drive my own vehicle one day in the not-so-distant future. 

I used to pray for strength often. "Lord, please give me strength." I said those words so many times. Now, I am strong, but I lack courage. My new frequent prayer is for courage. "Lord, please give me courage." I once heard someone say that without courage it is impossible to practice all other virtues. And, I believe it.

It's can be comfortable and safe to be reliant on others. It can also be hindering. I know it will require courage and time for me to get to my place of autonomy. This is a great lesson in humility for me, and I am grateful for that.

Forever Grateful

After three years, Kevin and I are ending our marriage. As you can probably imagine, it was not easy to make and follow through with this decision, and it is a decision accompanied by a range of varying and often conflicting emotions.

Although the decision is mutual and in the best interest of both parties, it is incredibly difficult. While the dissolution of our marriage is not the end of our love, it is the end of a dream we once shared about our life, each other, and our future. It feels like defeat, and it is a very real and great loss. Naturally, I can't help but feel the sadness and weight of it all.

That sadness quickly exhausts itself when I think about how much we have both grown as individuals because of our relationship; how we're trying our best to be good and unselfish during this process; and how much better we'll be when the dust settles.

Kevin is a good person, and I think of myself as a good person as well. We, however, are not good together. And I rather us be the best versions of ourselves apart than the worst versions of ourselves together.

I pray that Kevin has happiness, love, peace, and prosperity. I pray that he is healed from any hurt caused by me and our relationship. I pray that he continues to become the best man and person he can be. And I pray those same prayers for myself.

I am forever grateful to have experienced our good times as they brought us much joy. I am forever grateful for our bad times as they taught us many lessons.

The Right Thing To Do

"What seems like the right thing to do could also be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life."

Life is complicated that way. When the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do, we have to remember that our hearts and spirits are more resilient and durable than we feel they are. Although  difficult choices can bend us beyond what we think our limits are and hurt us like hell, they won't break us. We can survive the hardest decisions.