Progression & Misguided Commitments

By all metrics, I am doing better.

I've been diagnosed with hypertension for a decade. Since I was 21, my readings were hypertensive crisis high even with medication compliance. My BP is now consistently normal. The other day I had a reading of 96/63! 🤯 

My blood pressure is definitely better.

I am below 200 pounds for the first time in forever! 🙌🏿👏🏿 In the past 90 days, I've lost 30 pounds. The other morning I worked out for 23 minutes in peak heart rate zone and enjoyed it. In fact, I am working out 4-6 times a week.  I am eating better and sleeping well. My health is improving. 

I look and feel so much better.

My credit score is up 100 points from last year. I no longer have credit card debt. I am planning for the future and saving for retirement. I still have so far to go, but my finances are better.

Even though I bitch far too frequently, I do not have any fires to put out and things are going relatively well. Work is challenging, but it is not beyond my abilities. The world is crazy, but that is not within my control. My default settings still give me hell, but I am putting more space between my feelings and reactions. 

All things considered, my life is better.

Even so, I find myself unable to relax and be at ease with the present. 

I am still prepared for the fight or flight. The voice of my mind continues to narrate with fear and panic. I recognize the security around me. I feel safe, but my instincts are still on alert. I am still uncomfortable with indications of permanency and mistrustful of lingering happiness. 

And, what the fuck does this say about me? 

It's quite obvious really. I have longstanding committment to displacement and desolation, and it is difficult to let them go. Perhaps, this better trend will continue. Maybe things will fall apart. Unfortunately, my clair​voy​ance is nonexistent. I know that, as always, shit will be what shit will be. 

So? Maybe it is time to stop pursing happy and just be happy. 

The Obligatory Welcome 2022 Post

I remember watching Diahann Carroll's Masterclass on OWN. When Ms. Carroll discussed learning to live alone, I understood. Among many other wise things, she said, "It is difficult to live alone. It's difficult because I am difficult."

"Me too!" I thought.

I am difficult. I embarked on this journey with awareness and honesty about my brand of "not easy," but it doesn't stop there. I am a lot unpleasant, unflattering shit, including, but not limited to, not honest, not consistent, not communicative, not grateful, not selfless, and not unemotional.

I gave myself many pats on the back for living alone and independently paying my bills and taking care of my shit. (...All of which is required of adults...None of which is extraordinary.) I thought I was doing the important work of learning to live alone. Really, I was insulating myself from the much harder work of learning to functionally live with others.

Because no matter one's level of difficulty, living with another human being is hard as hell. It requires constant effort, consideration, communication, and commitment. One cannot do or say whatever the fuck one wants without impacting another and the home's ecosystem. "I'm difficult" may be valid when having internal dialogue, but it falls short when engaging a thinking, feeling person who want to understand why certain behaviors make sense to you.

"I am difficult." Yes, but isn't that my choice? "I am difficult." Yeah, but am I not still responsible for what I think, say, and do? "I am difficult." Okay, but am I not capable of change? "I am difficult" is not an explanation. It is an excuse. Throughout my adulthood, it has been the tired, overused euphemism for "I lack accountability."

Now, I am relearning myself without spin, artifice, semantics, or bullshit. I am learning how to functionally exist with someone else for the first time. This period of my life requires an uncomfortable degree of vulnerability, transparency, awareness, and lack of fuckery.

This year my resolutions are simple: 1. Stop being so fucking difficult. 2. Start being more honest. 3. Allow myself to be held accountable. (This will be easy. Right? 😉) 

Being a "grown ass woman" encompasses a lot more than working and paying bills. It is also having grown ass conversations with respect and honesty. It is facing uncomfortable truths especially about ourselves. It is solving problems not just creating them...

May we change what we can change, enjoy whatever ride we are on, and be grown ass folks in age and in action. We can do this. Cheers to 2022! 🎆🎇🥂

Bought Lessons

My dad used to exclaim, "Ain't nothing like a bought lesson!" I still have to fight the urge to sigh and roll my eyes even though this 31 year old version of LeKechia agrees. I have been "buying" lessons for a number of years now, and I must agree. There's nothing like a bought lesson.

Good Night, Sir

"Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

I Trust You

I cannot decode Fear. He was there when I took leaps that were ultimately reckless, devastating falls. He was there when leaping gave way to soaring. He coursed my insides as I learned that leaps can be beautiful, life-affirming, and neccessary. Back again, Fear is neither threatening nor disarming, and I wonder if He is affirmation or warning.

 ...Though it doesn't really matter.

I have lost faith in Fear, and I no longer trust Intuition, Logic, or Peace. I am not fearless. It is not instinctual. It may never make sense. And, I experience doubt and confusion every step of the way. But...When I reach the ledge, nothing will stop me from leaping. Fear will be there; He will course my insides like only He can. And, I will know this is a reckless, devastating fall and beautiful and life-affirming and neccessary.

Untamed | Glennon Doyle

The 90% Percent

"The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes."

-Charles R. Swindoll