I remember watching Diahann Carroll's Masterclass on OWN. When Ms. Carroll discussed learning to live alone, I understood. Among many other wise things, she said, "It is difficult to live alone. It's difficult because I am difficult."
"Me too!" I thought.
I am difficult. I embarked on this journey with awareness and honesty about my brand of "not easy," but it doesn't stop there. I am a lot unpleasant, unflattering shit, including, but not limited to, not honest, not consistent, not communicative, not grateful, not selfless, and not unemotional.
I gave myself many pats on the back for living alone and independently paying my bills and taking care of my shit. (...All of which is required of adults...None of which is extraordinary.) I thought I was doing the important work of learning to live alone. Really, I was insulating myself from the much harder work of learning to functionally live with others.
Because no matter one's level of difficulty, living with another human being is hard as hell. It requires constant effort, consideration, communication, and commitment. One cannot do or say whatever the fuck one wants without impacting another and the home's ecosystem. "I'm difficult" may be valid when having internal dialogue, but it falls short when engaging a thinking, feeling person who want to understand why certain behaviors make sense to you.
"I am difficult." Yes, but isn't that my choice? "I am difficult." Yeah, but am I not still responsible for what I think, say, and do? "I am difficult." Okay, but am I not capable of change? "I am difficult" is not an explanation. It is an excuse. Throughout my adulthood, it has been the tired, overused euphemism for "I lack accountability."
Now, I am relearning myself without spin, artifice, semantics, or bullshit. I am learning how to functionally exist with someone else for the first time. This period of my life requires an uncomfortable degree of vulnerability, transparency, awareness, and lack of fuckery.
This year my resolutions are simple: 1. Stop being so fucking difficult. 2. Start being more honest. 3. Allow myself to be held accountable. (This will be easy. Right? 😉)
Being a "grown ass woman" encompasses a lot more than working and paying bills. It is also having grown ass conversations with respect and honesty. It is facing uncomfortable truths especially about ourselves. It is solving problems not just creating them...
May we change what we can change, enjoy whatever ride we are on, and be grown ass folks in age and in action. We can do this. Cheers to 2022! 🎆🎇🥂
