Winning & Learning

I am awake. It is usually hard for me to sleep the day before/of a big life change, so this is unsurprising. Today I close a professional chapter. Soon, I'll start another.

Lying in my bed, thinking about this and everything, I realize I am experiencing fear. A job change is an ordinary life event. By all metrics, this particular change is a better, upward step. In the context of all recent changes, it feels a bit terrifying.

My biggest area of concern right now is repetition. I want to avoid repeating figurative stages more than anything. I want to learn the lessons; incorporate the new information; and move forward with greater self-awareness, improved understanding and knowledge, and as a more competent, experienced woman. 

I will not live in the same cycles. 

Hopefully, the break I have between this end and the next start is exactly what I need to refocus and reset. Hopefully, this next chapter proves to be worth the transition angst. Certainly, I will be okay. In the end, I am always okay.

07/17/2022: Daughter. Sister. Aunt.

I AM.

Up early, scrolling through my phone, I came across this smiling face. Remembering that my nephew looked at me with all that sweet, innocent joy shifted my grumpy, why-am-I-awake-right-now energy. I am already ready for more time with A3. 

P.S.: Azelynn, Ariah, and Azariah initials are A.M. It delights me that "am," the present tense first-person singular of "be," is an actual word. (I love when names and even initials have meaning.) Also, for whatever reason, this morning their initials made me think of a song by CeCe Winans I used to sing as a little girl. 

"I am that I am. I'm all that you need. I can; yes, I can. No, it ain't too hard for me. Do you know? Really know? Do you really believe? Every day, every night of your life, I am." 

The song is based on a passage of scripture that most of us who grew up in church read or heard. Moses, after being told his assignment, had a couple of questions for God. 

1. Why me? Exodus 3:11

2. Who are You?  Exodus 3:14

I think it is interesting that Moses posed the second question as though from the perspective of those who would question on whose authority he presented. I imagine that he himself wanted to know. "What is Your name?" "What should I call You?" 

It is a simple, practical question. "The God of your father" is a description, and it feels impersonal and distant. If it were sufficient, Moses would not have had to pose the question. And, from what I read, he was not scolded for asking this particular thing.

Scripture says "God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM..." (Other versions read "I AM WHO I AM.") Then God proceeds to tell Moses how to describe Him to the people of Israel. 

It actually feels like a flippant response. If you ask me for my name, and I tell you, "I am who I am," you'd probably be annoyed. (Perhaps, it is just me.) Moses is a person tasked with returning somewhere he fled, with his marred history and feelings of inadequacy, for what seems like an impossible mission. "I am who I am" initially reads like condescension.

However, it must have been exactly what Moses needed. He did not press for a different answer on this topic. From what I read, Moses, understandably so in my opinion, has rebuttals when necessary. 

Perhaps Moses needed big, capitalize-the-G, God energy. (I am not being irreverent here even if it reads that way.) Given a dangerous, huge assignment against a powerful entity with limited resources and abilities, Moses probably needed something reassuring to recall during the inevitable difficult moments. 

Remember, he did not have scripture to pull from. He could not quote verses in Psalms to encourage himself. "I AM has sent me." "I AM is with me." That feels encouraging, comforting, and empowering. 

I think it is most interesting that God tells Moses the name He (God) prefers to be called  "forever," (Exodus 3:15) and still gave Moses the "I AM THAT I AM" response. It feels tailored for Moses. It feels personal.

I do not really have a point here. I am just awake, thinking, and writing. Happy Friday!

07/15/2022

I have hirsutism (HUR-soot-iz-um).

Per the Mayo Clinic, "hirsutism is a condition in women that results in excessive growth of dark or coarse hair in a male-like pattern — face, chest and back." Even in high school and college, I was much hairier than the girls around me. This has always been a source of frustration and insecurity. 

When I do not thread, wax, or use depilatory creams, my facial hair is prominent. I have also developed an almost compulsive need to pluck and tweeze which damaged my skin over the years. This all amounts to an expensive, cosmetic in nature "problem" that sometimes creates feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and isolation. 

It deeply impacts me. I have avoided visiting family based on my skin's appearance. I have cancelled plans with friends and dates with romantic partners/prospects. On "bad days," I stay in my feelings and in bed. On "good days," I say "Fuck it. It is what it is." 

My primary, internal medicine doctor ran a series of test to rule out an underlying medical cause such as Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) or Cushing syndrome. My results are normal. I am ashamed to admit I hoped for a medical issue which would indicate that this is not "just me" and how I am made.

I also saw a dermatologist who, in the most abrasive way possible, reiterated that genetics can be a bitch. He gave me a script for an over $300 cream that can reduce the rate of growth. A different, more tactful dermatologist is in the process of creating a treatment plan. Hopefully, it yields good results.

The long-term solution is laser hair removal or electrolysis. My doctor does not recommend laser because it targets melanin in skin which can lead to discoloration. Not only is electrolysis not covered by insurance or an eligible HSA expense, finding a reputable, experienced person/practice in my area is a task.

I said all of that to say I AM SENSITIVE about my skin and its appearance. I do not welcome unsolicited advice. I will react to comments I receive as unhelpful, insensitive, and/or rude.

This is my journey. It is personal. It can be painful. As trivial as it may seem, for women with this condition, it is a big fucking deal. I reserve the right at all times to educate and verbally eviscerate trespassers of this clear boundary. 

I wrote this a while ago, but I was unsure if I wanted to share. Today was a waxing day. Every time I subject myself to a hair removal process, I think of this never-ending cycle of removal and regrowth. It felt like an appropriate time.

Here is where I insert positivity for my own sake, not minimization.

1. I am an intelligent, healthy, worthy, beautiful woman.

2. I have resources and access to medical and mental health providers to help me navigate seen and unseen issues.

3. I bring so much to any table I join that only a fucking idiot would discount me because I am hairy.

4. I have beautiful friends who offer much support and encouragement.

5. I do hard things every fucking day and showing up as I am, however I am, is a strength.

6. My struggles small and significant make me a more understanding, compassionate, humble human.

7. ONLY I can define what feminine means for me. I determine how to execute my womanhood.

From Rupi Kaur:

"hair if it was not supposed to be there would not be growing on our bodies in the first place - we are at war with what comes most naturally to us"

P.S.: And, threading! Have you ever had a mustache threaded? Now, that is some painful shit.

06/25/2022

On 09/18/1990, the day I was born, my mother was 16 years, 8 months, and 19 days old. My father was in prison. She would be a single, teenage mother. I know without a doubt this impacted her life in every way. 

I am 31 years, 9 months, and 8 days old. I am a first generation college graduate with a bachelors degree. I am not a mother. 

I am not better than my mother. I am fortunate. I was raised by a young woman who did not deny that I was a sexual being. I was raised by a black woman who, though she taught abstinence from a biblical perspective, also took me to see an OB-GYN and championed my access to birth control.

My mother's decision to ensure, to the best of her ability, that motherhood was not unplanned for me gave me a life she herself never had. I am not better than my mother or any other woman who faced/faces unplanned parenthood. I just had access. My heart breaks for girls and women who lost theirs. 

SCOTUS made a wrong and disgusting decision.

P.S.:

I am very aware that this may read like a story about contraceptives. Some people may not be able to make the connection to abortion. Let me make it clear that this is my experience about access and family planning.

(Wrote 06/25/2022)

Gray Areas

I attended church on Sunday for the first time in years. I am only sharing this because my relationship with God, faith, and religion is complicated. Sometimes I lean atheistic, but I actually consider myself agnostic. 

Even so, I went to a Christian church because I knew I would be among the loving people. And, I was. Emmanuel Temple is the most welcoming church I've ever attended. 

I experience love there. The community and comfort there challenge this questioning human's uncertainty and disbelief. I know I will go again. I do not know what that means for my faith or lack thereof. I only know that welcoming, sincerity, and love are powerful draws.

My outfit today was black and white. Life, in my opinion, frequently is not. 🖤🤍🤍🖤

I don’t even know if God exists, but I do know that if God is your emotional role model, very few human relationships will match up to it. 

- Jeanette Winterson

Understanding

I woke up this morning thinking about where I have been; the experiences I have had; and the humility and wisdom I hope to have gained from them. 

I went back and re-read some posts on my blog. I've had Unnecessary Insults since 2015, so it feels like having conversations with previous versions of myself. It is certainly a reminder for me to remember the places - literally and figuratively - that I have been.

Here's what I know. Here's what I hope to never forget. Here's what I was reminded of this morning: 

She "who is without sin, cast the first stone."

Sometimes, I need to replace "sin" with other things like shame, embarrassment, brokenness, hurt, anger, a story, etcetera to remember that everyone of us need love, mercy, and grace.

Here's the truth:

I wrote Algophobic Masochist on a bus, at night, in Dallas, Texas headed to the job of my ex to reassure him that I was still committed after "last night." So many writings from 2017 are about the relationship with him as well. Breaking free of that was so incredibly hard. In 2022, with literal and figurative distance from that situation and person, I forgot how much it took. 

The place I was in then is not the place I am in now. 31 year old LeKechia believes that I have the right to walk away from ANYTHING and ANYONE, and the reasons do not have to be tragic. 31 year old LeKechia will, in the words of @glennondoyle, abandon EVERYONE before I abandon myself again. 

And, oh how I have abandoned myself in the past. 

Today I am reminded of what I needed every single time, I was operating from self-abandonment and what was absolutely unhelpful. I am reminded of how I felt so abandoned by the people in my life who offered judgement and criticisms over love and affirmation. I am reminded of how much it took and continues to take to get from one version to this version to the next version of LeKechia Lyshell. 

With this in mind, let me walk in confidence, power, and understanding this day and hopefully every day.

In all thy getting, get understanding.