Sometimes, I think it is difficult for people to grasp how painful, traumatic, and life-altering divorce is for the once married individuals. Even if there are no children involved, divorce is still painful. Even if there was no infidelity or abuse, divorce is still traumatic. Even if it was ultimately the best decision for all parties involved, divorce is still life-changing.
I do not have any qualms with marriage. When I say, "I cannot see myself remarrying," I do not mean I cannot see myself in a mutually monogamous, long-term committment. I am definitely not shitting on marriages. I think healthy, loving marriages provide secure, beautiful bases for individuals and families.
I made a promise ("til death do us part" along with many other things) to someone that I could not keep. Now, I am cautious about the promises I make and the commitments I enter into. It is not from a place of disparaging the institution itself or the individuals who enter my life and may want a future with me. This is not projection or transference. For me, it is knowing myself, and I hope that it is also wisdom.
I do not wish to be divorced again in this lifetime. Perhaps, I should say that as opposed to "I cannot see myself remarrying." One of the fundamental ways that divorce and its aftermath changed me is that it changed my acknowledgements and questions.
There are good partners. Am I ready to be a good partner? There are quality, loving spouses. Am I ready to be a quality, loving spouse? There are healthy marriages. Am I ready to help build a healthy marriage?
I am not inquiring about my future capacity and potential that may or may not manifest. I try to task myself with seeing whether the person I am today can answer yes to those questions. Unfortunately, in all candor, as of today, I cannot.
Experience has a way of making us more honest. I bumped my head a time or two, and I learned one of the hardest things I have ever learned, accepted, or admitted. "I am the common dominator."
What I envision for the future is beautiful to me. It includes a healthy, loving mutual monogamous, long-term partnership. It includes children even if I do not birth them. It includes a healthy, stable home filled with love, openness, laughter, and understanding. It includes family and friends. It includes lots of books, music, travel, concerts, etcetera. It includes a career that I enjoy. It includes answering yes to all of those questions.
I cannot force this vision to come to fruition right now. I still have so much work to do. For now, I just desire not to lose sight of the life I always knew was possible while living in the present with contentment, gratitude, and progression. I have so much to clean up, discard, unlearn, and relearn. I cannot say who I will be at the other end of this. I know, at this time, I cannot make lifelong promises.
