“I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant."
I was done with faith. I wasn't reading the Bible. I wasn't praying. I wasn't attending church. I settled in my heart that religion was not for me. I couldn't seem to reconcile faith and intellect. I couldn't reconcile faith with some of my firmest convictions. I couldn't reconcile faith with what I was experiencing and observing everyday. Over hypocrisy, tired of an external commitment to something I was not believing or living, I took as many steps away from faith as I could.
I spoke to my best friend about this on several occasions. He and I had rather spirited debates about faith, church, and God. In one of these "conversations" I said something along the lines of:
"There is no way that God is real, and so many people go to church week after week, month after month, year after year and nothing changes. Hearts are not being healed; there is so much hurt in this world. People and families aren't being restored; there is so much brokenness. You can't tell me it's because ALL of these people lack faith. When was the last time you saw a person raised from the dead? Walk on water? Feed 5000, not including women and children, with two pieces of fish? How long have you attended church? How long have you been a believer? When was the last time you witnessed a miracle of Biblical proportions? It doesn't work! It's not working. Plus, churches have inconsistent standards and practices all over the world, and so many of them are predatory. Too many churches are filled with hateful, hypocritical, unloving, unfriendly, judgemental people. Religion, like any other high, is temporary fix. It's all emotionalism...Either God's not real or He has piss-poor ambassadors."
I spoke from a place of anger and hurt. I was frustrated at God and people. I felt like God had failed me because even at the height of my faith, life didn't seem to work in my favor. I was frustrated with people for being people. And my bitterness expressed itself as disbelief.
The concerns I voiced were valid, but my motives were wrong. I was loud and vocal about the futility of religion while quietly enying the tangible presence of God in the lives of other people. I know I can't be the only one who says "I just don't believe" while yearning to connect to God in a real and permanent way.
If you know that some or a big part of your disinterest in God is because you feel He has no interest you, know that you are wrong. He cares for you. He's available to you. His presence in your life can be as palpable as the device you're holding to read this post.
What I am actively learning is that it's a heart issue and a matter of surrender. Don't be prideful. Open your mouth and heart and tell God you want more of Him. Tell Him that you want a personal, intimate, genuine relationship with Him. "Come close to God, and God will come close to you." "Say a quiet yes to God, and He'll be there in no time."
When He honors your request; when He fills your space; when you, in humility and understanding, arrive at heartfelt acknowledgement that in Him you live, and move, and have your being, don't forget to be a loving, shining ambassador for Christ.
