Algophobic Masochist

Hurt masquerading as anger
We both feel the fear and danger
The warning alarms are screaming
Too far gone to heed them
Hearts demanding the brain shut up
It's evident that neither of us gives a fuck
About the ruins that lie in wait
Playing with fire; testing fate
Every kiss nearing the sadness
Every fight compounding the madness
Neither of us want to lose ourselves to other
Neither of us can refuse the energy between us
Fearing the pain and reveling in it:
Algophobic Masochists

Queen of Failed Selfies

Everyone is good at something, and I am particularly skilled at selfie failures. It is challenging for me to capture a "perfect" selfie which is part of the reason I post pictures sporadically.

Since Friday, my 25th birthday, I have been snapping pictures trying to find that one social media ready photo.

The shit isn't working. In every photo, I am blurry, too many flaws are visible, and/or I look super uncomfortable. My quest to find the photo that captured the essence of 25 wasn't going to happen.

Or so I thought...

I am the self-proclaimed Queen of Failed Selfies. I accept my fate.

I will not, now or nor in the future, post a selfie that is going to garner "mad" attention. And, I, like 10 minutes ago, became okay with that. I am a grown ass woman, and I have to start thinking as such.

Why should I feel angst about posting a picture on Facebook? That is petty. It's superficial, and it is bullshit, self-inflicted bullshit.

Because I love to go from one extreme to another, I am now on the side of the spectrum that couldn't care less.

If I post a picture, and I think I look pretty, that's all the validation needed. 

SO...

Those who know me well are aware that I am a bona-fide slack wearer. Jeans make me feel uncomfortable and extremely self-conscious. 

Well today I wore a pair, and I liked it. 

Here's the essence of 25 for me:

A blurry selfie with things that make me self-conscious on full display including my feet that are blending into the carpet for some reason

Lol.

‪#‎enjoy (:

Incongruent living is NOT for me.

I've mastered facades, conformity, passivity, and inauthenticity. I do not want nor do I like the results those things produce.

Now, high on my list of life priorities is being myself and getting my shit together. And, I am not going to apologize if it makes anyone else uncomfortable.

I am purposely caring less about what others think.
I am purposely speaking up.
I am purposely being myself in all of my states including the ones I usually attempt to hide from most people.

Incongruent living is not for me.

Autonomy

Lately, I have been forced to confront many of my truths, and autonomy has been a reoccurring theme during this process. Although I am ashamed to admit it, I am not as autonomous as I believed myself to be, and I have surrendered so many of my freedoms to fear.

Many people do not know this because it's not something I like to advertise, but I do not drive. I know how to drive. I don't. In fact, in the past three years I can count the number of times that I have driven on one hand. Whenever I am behind the wheel of a car, for a reason I yet to discover,  I feel a debilitating amount of anxiety and fear. Consequently, I avoid the act. At 24 years of age, embarrassingly, I am dependent on others for transportation. And, it is not okay.

I had to be somewhere at 7:30 this morning. With limited options and too much pride, I decided I would have to take the bus to get there. You wouldn't believe the courage I had to muster up to follow through with that decision. Again, fear showed its ugly face, and I was incredibly anxious.

What if I got lost in this unfamiliar city? 

What if I was confused and ended up on the wrong bus? 

How would I know I was approaching the correct stop?

 What if I am late?

For this seemingly simple action, I had to have many pep talks with myself and a few with someone else as well. 

I arrived at my destination safely with time to spare. And, I felt empowered and relieved. I was able to get from point A to point B, and I did not have to rely on others to do so. Yes, I used public transportation and relied on a service, but that did not make it any less freeing for me.

Tonight, I decided I wanted to sit at Starbucks, have a drink, and enjoy some personal time. Normally, I would have been at the mercy and whims of someone else to do so. This time I boldly used the same mode of transportation that caused me so much anxiety earlier in the day.

So as I sit drinking my favorite unhealthy and rather expensive drink, I feel a sense of autonomy that I did not have yesterday.

I want to become fully autonomous. I can own my truth and admit that I am not there now. However, with many small steps and little victories over fear and anxiety, I will reclaim my freedom to act and be. Today, I am using the public transportation system. I will own and drive my own vehicle one day in the not-so-distant future. 

I used to pray for strength often. "Lord, please give me strength." I said those words so many times. Now, I am strong, but I lack courage. My new frequent prayer is for courage. "Lord, please give me courage." I once heard someone say that without courage it is impossible to practice all other virtues. And, I believe it.

It's can be comfortable and safe to be reliant on others. It can also be hindering. I know it will require courage and time for me to get to my place of autonomy. This is a great lesson in humility for me, and I am grateful for that.

Forever Grateful

After three years, Kevin and I are ending our marriage. As you can probably imagine, it was not easy to make and follow through with this decision, and it is a decision accompanied by a range of varying and often conflicting emotions.

Although the decision is mutual and in the best interest of both parties, it is incredibly difficult. While the dissolution of our marriage is not the end of our love, it is the end of a dream we once shared about our life, each other, and our future. It feels like defeat, and it is a very real and great loss. Naturally, I can't help but feel the sadness and weight of it all.

That sadness quickly exhausts itself when I think about how much we have both grown as individuals because of our relationship; how we're trying our best to be good and unselfish during this process; and how much better we'll be when the dust settles.

Kevin is a good person, and I think of myself as a good person as well. We, however, are not good together. And I rather us be the best versions of ourselves apart than the worst versions of ourselves together.

I pray that Kevin has happiness, love, peace, and prosperity. I pray that he is healed from any hurt caused by me and our relationship. I pray that he continues to become the best man and person he can be. And I pray those same prayers for myself.

I am forever grateful to have experienced our good times as they brought us much joy. I am forever grateful for our bad times as they taught us many lessons.

The Right Thing To Do

"What seems like the right thing to do could also be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life."

Life is complicated that way. When the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do, we have to remember that our hearts and spirits are more resilient and durable than we feel they are. Although  difficult choices can bend us beyond what we think our limits are and hurt us like hell, they won't break us. We can survive the hardest decisions.

This song describes a period of my life, and I am moved every time I hear it.

Mary J. Blige - Whole Damn Year (Official Audio): http://youtu.be/Go_IjcRahlg

I Don't Have My Crap Together

I've been trying to let this sink in. I feel that there is so much that I should already have figured out. There's so much I want to see, do, and accomplish. I am not who I want to be or where I want to be. In my own eyes, I am somewhat of a mess. I know I am too hard on myself in many areas and too laxed in others. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I am 24, and give myself a break. Nope, I don't have my crap together, but I'll keep going until I do.
#twenties #trialanderror #learning #growing #trying #failing #itisallgood

Unsolicited Apology

Today I received an unsolicited apology from someone who hurt me deeply many years ago. I had already forgiven him, and I never expected an apology to come. I actually believed that this individual could care less about the damage he had caused my heart. It is easy to imagine then how taken back I was by his apology. It moved me in a way that was unexpected.
Because he was my "first love," most people did not take this heartbreak seriously. In the eyes of many, we had "puppy love," and it was written off as such. To me, however, it was much more than that. I loved him when my heart was taintless. I trusted him. We had self-disclosure. I saw the best in him; I wanted him to see the best in me. And, I knew he loved me too. Our love and relationship was a combination of things that made it all seemingly peculiar for people our age. (I think our backgrounds contributed to this.) As naive as it was, I was certain that we shared something authentic.
The devastation I felt when things went in the direction they ultimately went in is difficult to describe. It took a toll on me in many areas. It changed me. I carried that hurt for a long time, but I did get over it.
I learned to forgive him and accept our lot. Most surprising to me, I learned to love him from a distance and that I could still be happy for his triumphs, sadden by his trials, and a source of prayers and well-wishes for him. I credit him and that relationship for teaching me some important things about the nature of love and its resilience.
This unsolicited, no-strings-attached apology came YEARS later, and moved me to tears. I felt a combination of gratitude, relief, and closure. I know it took courage and humility, and I am so thankful that he acted on both.
I once read that "forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself;" well maybe a sincere, unsolicited expression of remorse is a gift you give to someone else. We do not have to ability to undo did; there is no regression for actions. Thankfully, we can move forward. 

Forgiveness is so vital! We have to embrace it; we need it to achieve wholeness and happiness. We need it to progress. I too have hurt people and caused others pain, and I too need to make sure I am freely and genuinely giving unsolicited apologies. Let's act with courage and humility and earnestly apologize to those who we have wronged.

Heavy Things

Today, I became acutely aware of the heaviness of some people, hurts, unforgiveness, mistakes, past experiences, anger, and fear. And, I thought about the quote on the picture below. "You will find that it is necessary to let things go simply for the reason that they are heavy." That statement resonated with me. Myself and too many others are bogged down by things we should let go. It is not a sign of weakness to realize that something is too heavy for you, and let it go. I think it shows wisdom and maturity. So that old relationship that ended, let it go. The bad decisions and mistakes, let them go. The people that walked out of your life, let them go. The pain, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, anger, and fear in your heart, let it all go. Let go, and let God. It's said so much that sometimes we miss how powerful of a choice it is. We cannot live full lives weighed down by the heaviness of negativity and the past. 

Low-Maintenance

My dad once told Kevin that among other things I was "low-maintenance." I know he meant no harm; he was actually saying that it was something favorable for my husband. I was, however, offended when he said it. (And, I called him out on it. Lol.) It sounded more like an insult than a compliment to me, but he had a valid point.

I am rather simple. I own four pair of shoes; three of them are from Payless. I am not big on brands. I don't care for purses. I don't wear make-up nor do I know how to apply it. I am doing something "different" if I wear mascara. I shop out of necessity not enjoyment. I prefer sleeping over primping. When I want my lips to "pop," I add extra coats of lip balm. I am, as my dad put it, low-maintenance, and with the exception of a few phases in my life, I've always been this way.

There are many, millions, of beautiful, well-dressed, trendy, made-up women who are "slaying" fabulous. Shout out to them! It works for them, and I love it. I wouldn't dare suggest that they change a thing. However, women like me are often viewed as if we're in some sort of crisis that needs immediate attention, and others are constantly trying to change us. Clearly, our bare faces, lackluster attire, and missing accessories are evidence of something gone horribly wrong on the inside. Lol. 

Folks, please stop the madness! 

If I may speak on the behalf of low-maintenance women everywhere who are tired of people trying to "help" them:

The suggestions about how we can "improve" our appearance when unsolicited are not needed. The make-up advice is wasted on us. We like our hair styles just fine, and we'll change them when we want to.  No, we don't want to try that whatever it is. And, we'd appreciate it if you all would calm the freak down and stop trying "fix" us. We understand that most of you mean no harm, but the crap is annoying. 

Femininity is subjective. Let me be feminine my way, and you be feminine your way. Beauty is subjective. Respect my beauty as I respect your beauty. Low maintenance, high maintenance, or somewhere in between, in my opinion, none of it is either right or wrong. It's right if it's for you. It's wrong if it isn't.

To all of my fellow low maintenance women being this way isn't bad or weird. In an era that celebrates superficial beauty, it takes courage to confidently rock a bear face and whatever hairstyle, clothes, and accessories that best express who you are.

Truth.

Love

I firmly believe that when you love someone, you are blessed or doomed, depending on your perspective, to love them as long as you live. I believe that love, like energy, cannot be destroyed. It can, however, transform into a different type of love. I also believe that this is a part of the reason we are cautioned to "guard our affections." Love is amongst the most powerful forces we are capable of possessing. We must learn to love both generously and cautiously.

When I think about my own personal ability to love and how it can compel me to act, think, and speak, I am floored by the capacity of God's love which far exceeds my imperfect, sometimes conditional love. How wonderful it is to be loved by the Creator and have the ability to receive and give love!

Speak the truth even if your voice shakes.

Sometimes, I have this nagging feeling that everyone isn't meant to be happy, and that I am one of those people. It's a feeling that I refuse to accept, yet I find it difficult to dismiss.

(I wrote this and was ashamed that I shared it until now. I am grateful to report that I have dismissed that feeling. Jesus lived and died and lived again so that we can live full lives. I am certain that peace, joy, freedom, and love are all gracious perks of being in Christ. If you are ever feeling this way, please remind the devil and yourself of John 10:10.)

Acceptance

"There’s so much grace in acceptance. It’s not an easy concept, but if you embrace it, you’ll find more peace than you ever imagined."

I am so glad I came across the quote today as it put into words my feelings.

Sometimes acceptance is painful and difficult and accompanied by tears and heartache. That is my current experience. I am having to accept something that is challenging for both my head and heart to embrace, but I realize that this is selfishness on my part. I had the  opportunity to produce a different outcome, and I failed to seize that opportunity.

As painful as it is, I have to forgive myself and move on. I have to embrace acceptance, and I look forward to finding the peace that comes with it.

Surrender

Jesus gave us the best example of surrender and humility when He said:

"Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but Thine, be done."

Often times, especially during difficult times, like Jesus, we too have to say, "Nevertheless not my will, but Thine, be done."

I know there are lots of people dealing with various types of hardships and experiencing loss and grief, and I think we sometimes need to be reminded that God is our very present help during these times of trouble.

Surrendering to the will of God does not always change the situation or ease the pain. (Jesus, after saying, "not my will, but Thine be done," was still betrayed, arrested, denied, spat on, beat, and crucified. He still endured tremendous pain.) I firmly believe that surrender to the will of God brings about the peace and strength needed to go through and get through the troubles we face.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

"...In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

"Trust in the lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."

My prayer for myself and many others today is:
"God you are powerful. In our powerlessness, may we see your power at work."

Forgive Yourself & Others

God Bless The Child

Pride's Welfare

Pride's Welfare

In your world,
Everyone is expendable;
You are the prize.
Your pride has overfed you;
Made you glutton on its lies.
On the path, you’re walking,
Destruction is no surprise.
It’s so easy to see it coming,
Looking from the outside.
You’ll walk away from everything.
You’ll walk away from everyone.
Walking away is easier
Than admitting your wrongs.
Truthfully, the joke is on you.
Courtesy of your pride,
You just got “punked”.
Because you didn’t leave,
You lost.
Say your RIPs to everything that matters
Because pride destroys and it shatters.
You let it kill your relationships;
You let it reign in your life.
Call it a setup,
You’ll pay the price.
It must be lonely,
Isolation by pride.
No wonder why you cope,
Doped up yourself.
You’re the poorest man in the world.
Pride cost you all your wealth.
Instead of being mad at you,
I’ll say a prayer for you.
The poverty you’re living in,
It activates my compassion.
So I’ll show you love
Even while you’re acting,
Invincible, untouchable;
Like you just don’t care.
I understand puffed up is all you get
Living on pride's welfare.

Abuser of the Worst Kind

You are an abuser of the worst kind.
You left her body in tact,
And damaged her mind.
She bears scars the eye can't see.
The pain she carries,
It's heavy and deep.

You kicked her love all over the place.
You slapped her security,
And threw trust in her face.
You spat on her confidence,
And beat down her spirit.
You exploited her kindness.
You preyed on her loyalty.
You broke a strong woman.
You treated her grossly.

Yes, you are an abuser of the worst kind.
You leave the body in tact,
And you damage the mind.

Genesis 15:6

Genesis 15:6

"Abram believed the Lord , and He credited it to him as righteousness."

"And he believed in the Lord; and He counted it to him for righteousness."

"And he [Abram] believed in (trusted in, relied on, remained steadfast to) the Lord, and He counted it to him as righteousness (right standing with God)."

"And he believed! Believed God! God declared him 'Set-Right-with-God.'"

"Abram believed the Lord, and because of this faith the Lord accepted him as one who has done what is right."

"Abram put his trust in the Lord , and because of this the Lord was pleased with him and accepted him."

Sleeping With A Man

I consider sleeping with someone an act of intimacy. I remember times when I could easily share my body with a man I was incapable of sleeping with. Sex, for me, did not require intimacy and vulnerability.

Think about sleep. By definition, it is "the natural state of rest during which your eyes are closed and you become unconscious." Sleep, being unconscious, makes you physically vulnerable, but that's not the part that troubled me. It was the level of trust and security and care that I needed established with someone to allow him around a defenseless, unguarded me. I was uncomfortable with that.

I kept a mental fortress during sex. After all, sex, for me, was equally about pleasure and control. It was a sport of sorts. I had objectives; I wanted to win. I wanted to be so sexually pleasing to a man that he could never forget me; that he would need me in order to experience a certain level of physical pleasure. I wanted to be so desired that he would suppress his pride and forget his principles for what I could provide. For all of the wrong reasons, I wanted to be needed by men.

Sleeping with a man, for me, was nothing like that. Yes, sometimes sex accompanied the sleep regimen, but it was not a requirement. It was the cuddling, talking, laughing, kissing, snoring, slobbering, lack of facades, and genuine physical contact prior to and during sleep that made it intimately superior to sex. Waking up next to or in the arms of someone I care about and the comfort and happiness I couldn't help but feel made sleeping with someone more meaningful than sex. The number of men I've slept with is fewer than the number of men I've had sex with it. And, I can honestly say I loved and/or cared deeply for that minority.

Now married for almost 3 years, I am so grateful that I did not allow sleep to become tainted and casual as I did with sex. Sleeping with my husband is a daily act of intimacy that never gets old. In fact, I sleep best with my feet snuggled on some part of his body. (:

Preparation

2014 was a difficult year for me and many others. As I lie in bed this morning reflecting on the past year, I am both grateful and expectant. I am grateful 2014 is over and the new year brings a fresh start. I am grateful for the Grace of God that encamped me. I am expectant because I too believe that "hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny." Surely the hardships of this year were a part of the preparation needed for things to come! I cannot resent, regret, or resist the challenges that mold me for my life's purpose. 

May 2015 exceed expectations. 

May it be a year of harvest. 

May we move closer to our destinies this year than the year before.

Happy New Year!