08/13/2022: Therapy

For the past 5 Saturdays, from 11 am to noon, in the comfort of my home or wherever I am, I've had sessions. (I was in my bed for today's session.) It is difficult to be my raw, uncut, often messy and complicated self, and therapy offers a safe, confidential space to do that. 

Still, it is a hard thing. 

The difficulty, for me anyways, lies in the awareness and accountability. I learn unpalatable truths about myself. I have to deal with me without artifice. It isn't always everyone else; sometimes I am the toxic or problematic one. 

I come face-to-face with the fact that I am an active instigator, contributor, and participant in so much of my bullshit. I gain greater awareness that, in many ways, I am attached - deeply comfortable - with my bullshit, patterns, and trauma. At the same, with ever increasing certainty, I realize I am my solution. I am the only one with the ability to change myself and the way I live and experience my life.

It is a process. It is a lot to process. 

Therapists are not yes-people. They are supportive, knowledgeable, resourceful, honest allies of health and healing. They are accountability partners. They offer evidence-based steps and solutions to change thought patterns and behaviors. They hold up a mirror and reflect you to you - both who you are right now and the you you will become with effort and consistency.

Therapy is not magic. It does not offer immediate breakthroughs. It does not fix everything. It is certainly not the easiest thing I've ever done. Still, therapy helps in small and significant ways. I know it is beneficial, and I will always advocate for it. 

I am especially grateful for my last and current therapist. Both are licensed mental health professionals. Both are women. Both are black. They have both seen, affirmed, supported, and challenged me. They've held space for me in sessions, so that I can hold space for myself outside of them. 

P.S:

When I came back to Texas, I contacted my last therapist. She is not seeing patients for a few months. As much as I was looking forward to working with her, I was happy and hopeful that she is taking time to care for herself. I hope my therapists and all people in helping professions have safe spaces to process, release, and be. 🙏🏿

08/12/2022: New Beginnings

It is day 17 of 19. Monday, I start my new job. I am excited. To gift myself an almost 3 week break from work is a blessing. With my move back to Texas and all the recent changes, this felt like a risky decision. 

All I have "to show for" the last 3 weeks is a mind that is more aware, the planted seeds of some difficult conversations and decisions, a home that feels more peaceful, and a sense of renewal that will carry me in this next phase of doing hard things. I have clarity about what direction I want my career to take. I have a better appreciation for routine and structure. 

Lyrics: Sorry

Flowers in my garden

Die faster than they grow

Slowly as they wither

I reap the seeds I sow

I have felt the wind blow

Like fire and like snow

But only shame can conquer time

And guilt should know

Be wise enough to wonder

Be brave and let it go

Nothing’s everlasting

Have mercy on my soul

Wrong wind told the right way

Might make you string your bow

When all these clouds are full of sin

And rain should know

Heaven keep the lonely

You are not the only...

No rest for the wicked

Seek and you will find

Silence is the symphony

I trust and keep in mind

Shadows have the habit

Of making demons glow

And all these clouds are full of sin

And rain should know

Heaven keep the lonely

I am not the only...

Have these leaves of gold

Give me back my soul

I know

No matter what

I can’t stay on my knees

Heaven help me please

I heard you’re feeling sorry for yourself now

Like tears from a nice silence, I, I

I heard you’re feeling sorry for yourself now

Like tears from a nice silence I cry

- Seinabo Sey 

Wildfire

Everything I touched is afire.

The truth is out; I'm the liar.

Promises compromised,

Trust is in question.

Will I remain as I am

Or incorporate the lessons?

Will my words and actions align?

Will I choose health this time?

Every part of me is ablaze.

I am the igniter, accelerant, and flame. 

Until I heal myself, this will not be contained.

Everyone I love is subjected to smoke.

Those who love me are eventually engulfed.

Lyrics: Untamed

I walked through fire; I came out the other side. I chased desire. I made sure I got what’s mine. And, I continue to believe that I am the one for me. And, because I’m mine, I walk the line.

...

I hit rock bottom; it felt like a brand new start. I’m not the problem; sometimes things fall apart. And, I continue to believe the best people are free. And, it took some time, but I’m finally fine.

'Cause we’re adventurers and heartbreak’s our map. A final destination we lack. We stopped asking directions to places they’ve never been. And, to be loved, we need to be known. We'll finally find our way back home. And, through the joy and pain that our lives bring, we can do hard things.

...

Yeah, we can do hard things.

- Tish Melton 

Brave New World

"Brave can feel a lot like lonely clarity." 

- We Can Do Hard Things

"Sometimes you are the only one who knows that you actually did the brave thing."

"Brave is honoring the inner self and the inner knowing even if it goes against all the outer expectations of you. Being brave sometimes requires you to allow the world to think you're a coward." - Glennon Doyle