Forever Grateful

After three years, Kevin and I are ending our marriage. As you can probably imagine, it was not easy to make and follow through with this decision, and it is a decision accompanied by a range of varying and often conflicting emotions.

Although the decision is mutual and in the best interest of both parties, it is incredibly difficult. While the dissolution of our marriage is not the end of our love, it is the end of a dream we once shared about our life, each other, and our future. It feels like defeat, and it is a very real and great loss. Naturally, I can't help but feel the sadness and weight of it all.

That sadness quickly exhausts itself when I think about how much we have both grown as individuals because of our relationship; how we're trying our best to be good and unselfish during this process; and how much better we'll be when the dust settles.

Kevin is a good person, and I think of myself as a good person as well. We, however, are not good together. And I rather us be the best versions of ourselves apart than the worst versions of ourselves together.

I pray that Kevin has happiness, love, peace, and prosperity. I pray that he is healed from any hurt caused by me and our relationship. I pray that he continues to become the best man and person he can be. And I pray those same prayers for myself.

I am forever grateful to have experienced our good times as they brought us much joy. I am forever grateful for our bad times as they taught us many lessons.

The Right Thing To Do

"What seems like the right thing to do could also be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life."

Life is complicated that way. When the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do, we have to remember that our hearts and spirits are more resilient and durable than we feel they are. Although  difficult choices can bend us beyond what we think our limits are and hurt us like hell, they won't break us. We can survive the hardest decisions.

This song describes a period of my life, and I am moved every time I hear it.

Mary J. Blige - Whole Damn Year (Official Audio): http://youtu.be/Go_IjcRahlg

I Don't Have My Crap Together

I've been trying to let this sink in. I feel that there is so much that I should already have figured out. There's so much I want to see, do, and accomplish. I am not who I want to be or where I want to be. In my own eyes, I am somewhat of a mess. I know I am too hard on myself in many areas and too laxed in others. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I am 24, and give myself a break. Nope, I don't have my crap together, but I'll keep going until I do.
#twenties #trialanderror #learning #growing #trying #failing #itisallgood

Unsolicited Apology

Today I received an unsolicited apology from someone who hurt me deeply many years ago. I had already forgiven him, and I never expected an apology to come. I actually believed that this individual could care less about the damage he had caused my heart. It is easy to imagine then how taken back I was by his apology. It moved me in a way that was unexpected.
Because he was my "first love," most people did not take this heartbreak seriously. In the eyes of many, we had "puppy love," and it was written off as such. To me, however, it was much more than that. I loved him when my heart was taintless. I trusted him. We had self-disclosure. I saw the best in him; I wanted him to see the best in me. And, I knew he loved me too. Our love and relationship was a combination of things that made it all seemingly peculiar for people our age. (I think our backgrounds contributed to this.) As naive as it was, I was certain that we shared something authentic.
The devastation I felt when things went in the direction they ultimately went in is difficult to describe. It took a toll on me in many areas. It changed me. I carried that hurt for a long time, but I did get over it.
I learned to forgive him and accept our lot. Most surprising to me, I learned to love him from a distance and that I could still be happy for his triumphs, sadden by his trials, and a source of prayers and well-wishes for him. I credit him and that relationship for teaching me some important things about the nature of love and its resilience.
This unsolicited, no-strings-attached apology came YEARS later, and moved me to tears. I felt a combination of gratitude, relief, and closure. I know it took courage and humility, and I am so thankful that he acted on both.
I once read that "forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself;" well maybe a sincere, unsolicited expression of remorse is a gift you give to someone else. We do not have to ability to undo did; there is no regression for actions. Thankfully, we can move forward. 

Forgiveness is so vital! We have to embrace it; we need it to achieve wholeness and happiness. We need it to progress. I too have hurt people and caused others pain, and I too need to make sure I am freely and genuinely giving unsolicited apologies. Let's act with courage and humility and earnestly apologize to those who we have wronged.

Heavy Things

Today, I became acutely aware of the heaviness of some people, hurts, unforgiveness, mistakes, past experiences, anger, and fear. And, I thought about the quote on the picture below. "You will find that it is necessary to let things go simply for the reason that they are heavy." That statement resonated with me. Myself and too many others are bogged down by things we should let go. It is not a sign of weakness to realize that something is too heavy for you, and let it go. I think it shows wisdom and maturity. So that old relationship that ended, let it go. The bad decisions and mistakes, let them go. The people that walked out of your life, let them go. The pain, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, anger, and fear in your heart, let it all go. Let go, and let God. It's said so much that sometimes we miss how powerful of a choice it is. We cannot live full lives weighed down by the heaviness of negativity and the past. 

Low-Maintenance

My dad once told Kevin that among other things I was "low-maintenance." I know he meant no harm; he was actually saying that it was something favorable for my husband. I was, however, offended when he said it. (And, I called him out on it. Lol.) It sounded more like an insult than a compliment to me, but he had a valid point.

I am rather simple. I own four pair of shoes; three of them are from Payless. I am not big on brands. I don't care for purses. I don't wear make-up nor do I know how to apply it. I am doing something "different" if I wear mascara. I shop out of necessity not enjoyment. I prefer sleeping over primping. When I want my lips to "pop," I add extra coats of lip balm. I am, as my dad put it, low-maintenance, and with the exception of a few phases in my life, I've always been this way.

There are many, millions, of beautiful, well-dressed, trendy, made-up women who are "slaying" fabulous. Shout out to them! It works for them, and I love it. I wouldn't dare suggest that they change a thing. However, women like me are often viewed as if we're in some sort of crisis that needs immediate attention, and others are constantly trying to change us. Clearly, our bare faces, lackluster attire, and missing accessories are evidence of something gone horribly wrong on the inside. Lol. 

Folks, please stop the madness! 

If I may speak on the behalf of low-maintenance women everywhere who are tired of people trying to "help" them:

The suggestions about how we can "improve" our appearance when unsolicited are not needed. The make-up advice is wasted on us. We like our hair styles just fine, and we'll change them when we want to.  No, we don't want to try that whatever it is. And, we'd appreciate it if you all would calm the freak down and stop trying "fix" us. We understand that most of you mean no harm, but the crap is annoying. 

Femininity is subjective. Let me be feminine my way, and you be feminine your way. Beauty is subjective. Respect my beauty as I respect your beauty. Low maintenance, high maintenance, or somewhere in between, in my opinion, none of it is either right or wrong. It's right if it's for you. It's wrong if it isn't.

To all of my fellow low maintenance women being this way isn't bad or weird. In an era that celebrates superficial beauty, it takes courage to confidently rock a bear face and whatever hairstyle, clothes, and accessories that best express who you are.