The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue

No, Adeline has decided she would rather be a tree, like Estele. If she must grow roots, she would rather be left to flourish wild instead of pruned, would rather stand alone, allowed to grow beneath the open sky. Better that than firewood, cut down just to burn in someone else’s hearth.

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue

The old gods may be great, but they are neither kind nor merciful. They are fickle, unsteady as moonlight on water, or shadows in a storm. If you insist on calling them, take heed: be careful what you ask for, be willing to pay the price. And no matter how desperate or dire, never pray to the gods that answer after dark.

Know Thyself

Sometimes, I think it is difficult for people to grasp how painful, traumatic, and life-altering divorce is for the once married individuals. Even if there are no children involved, divorce is still painful. Even if there was no infidelity or abuse, divorce is still traumatic. Even if it was ultimately the best decision for all parties involved, divorce is still life-changing.

I do not have any qualms with marriage. When I say, "I cannot see myself remarrying," I do not mean I cannot see myself in a mutually monogamous, long-term committment. I am definitely not shitting on marriages. I think healthy, loving marriages provide secure, beautiful bases for individuals and families.

I made a promise ("til death do us part" along with many other things) to someone that I could not keep. Now, I am cautious about the promises I make and the commitments I enter into. It is not from a place of disparaging the institution itself or the individuals who enter my life and may want a future with me. This is not projection or transference. For me, it is knowing myself, and I hope that it is also wisdom.

I do not wish to be divorced again in this lifetime. Perhaps, I should say that as opposed to "I cannot see myself remarrying." One of the fundamental ways that divorce and its aftermath changed me is that it changed my acknowledgements and questions.

There are good partners.  Am I ready to be a good partner? There are quality, loving spouses. Am I ready to be a quality, loving spouse? There are healthy marriages. Am I ready to help build a healthy marriage?

I am not inquiring about my future capacity and potential that may or may not manifest. I try to task myself with seeing whether the person I am today can answer yes to those questions. Unfortunately, in all candor, as of today, I cannot.

Experience has a way of making us more honest. I bumped my head a time or two, and I learned one of the hardest things I have ever learned, accepted, or admitted. "I am the common dominator."

What I envision for the future is beautiful to me. It includes a healthy, loving mutual monogamous, long-term partnership. It includes children even if I do not birth them. It includes a healthy, stable home filled with love, openness, laughter, and understanding. It includes family and friends. It includes lots of books, music, travel, concerts, etcetera. It includes a career that I enjoy. It includes answering yes to all of those questions.

I cannot force this vision to come to fruition right now. I still have so much work to do. For now, I just desire not to lose sight of the life I always knew was possible while living in the present with contentment, gratitude, and progression. I have so much to clean up, discard, unlearn, and relearn. I cannot say who I will be at the other end of this. I know, at this time, I cannot make lifelong promises. 

Beartown II

Words matter. 

I have always believed this. Maybe the belief stems from my religious socialization. ("The power of life and death lies within the tongue.") Maybe it is my deep love of music, lyrics, and poetry. Maybe it is because my biggest dream is to write a book that impacts others in powerful, beautiful, remarkable ways. Maybe it is because I have been impacted by the words of others in powerful, beautiful, remarkable ways.

On more than one occasion, reading literally saved my life. 

When a book moves me, both the woman and little girl within me, it is a visceral thing. It is the words. It is the human experience, humanity, or lack thereof. It is seeing myself - beauty and flaws - within characters. It is seeing everyone else - beauty and flaws - within characters.

I am reading Beartown. At my desk, listening to the audiobook as I work, unable to stop tears from falling; rage from rising; and feelings of sadness, heartbreak, compassion, and fear for these fictional characters, children, and families and this fictional town, I thought, "Shit, maybe kids shouldn't read this. I am 30 fucking years old." 

But I listened on...

When I was a freshman or sophomore in high school, my English teacher, Mr. Curtis, told me "Pathos, LeKechia. Make them feel something" as we discussed the writing portion of the standardized test. That was the high I looked for in every read. "Make me feel something." As I matured as a woman and reader, I wanted to do more than feel "something." Now the goal is to understand deeper. 

Perhaps, this too is my religious socialization. "In all thy getting, get an understanding..."

I am at chapter 37 of this 50 chapter book. There are only 4 hours and 4 minutes left in this 13 plus hour listen. I am on my lunch break writing this. I have to finish Beartown, and I will today. 

This book should not be banned from any school. Young people do not need to be protected from its pages. No! We need to read. We need to discuss. We need to understand, and most importantly we need to CHANGE our attitudes, values, and culture.

Afterall, “culture is as much about what we encourage as what we permit.”

Beartown

Fredrik Backman never disappoints. I have read A Man Called Ove, Anxious People, My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry, and Britt-Marie Was Here. I am reading Beartown now. Backman does not invite readers to invest in his characters, their communities, failures, victories, pains, and outcomes; he insists on it. By the end of each read, we feel gratitude for his insistence. The way he connects characters is so human, beautiful, poignant, and honest that that connection easily extends to the reader. It's damn good writing.

I am almost four hours into this read, and I do not want to stop. Backman's writing makes me voracious. I need to know how it all unfolds, but I do not want the read to end. For the fifth time now, I have been captivated. 🤓📚😊

Informed Consent

You should know that I am a flight risk, and escaping is my default setting. You should know that I am fearful and a master of motivated forgetting. You should know that I say a lot, but rarely speak my mind. You should know that I am messy, chaotic, and unrefined. You should know that I stumble over words and have difficulty translating my feelings. You should know that I am preoccupied with knowing every reason. You should know I feel in extremes, but I am mostly in between. You should know that I am equal parts selfish and selfless. You should know that I am in flux and a work in progress. You should know that I am unwilling to accept more than I am willing to give. You should know that this will hurt even if it also heals. You should know that I am trying my damndest to put me at stake. You should that I am a risk I'm not confident you should that you take.

Triggers

Some people are scared to leave home, but I am afraid to return. I fear forgetting all the freedom I've learned. I fear the masks. I fear my lies - the safe ones I tell for others and the explosives buried deep inside. I fear the expectations, questions, and judgements. I fear discovering I am not nomadic. I fear desiring to lay roots down again. I fear the recognition and the unfamiliarity. I fear the ways my eyes always betray me. I fear taming my tongue and speaking my mind. I fear that it will be too little and too much time. And...Perhaps too much time has already passed. What if I will never return home again? My greatest fear is that.