Home

My experiences taught me that it is unwise to define home on the basis of individuals and relationships. Things are destroyed. Deaths, divorces, births, marriages, and blending happen everyday. Families downside and expand. Dwellings are acquired and lost. Children grow up and establish themselves elsewhere. 

There are a plethora of variables.

When your definition of home is inextricable from a certain place, person, or group of people you may feel like a drifter if/when things shift. You experience a sense of permanent displacement that impacts your perspective and how well or poorly you relate to the world and those around you. It becomes difficult to cope with change, and, and this is important, you sacrifice time, energy, and self trying to recreate what was rather than design what can be. 

Well, this was all true in my case.

My view of family and home was so rigid that it left no room for contentment with my reality of family, home, and consequently, self. It also contributed to flawed logic. (ie: "My family is broken, so I am broken. My home is dysfunctional  so I am dysfunctional.) I did not understand my own ability and responsibility to influence home and family. I did not realize that I could implement what worked well and discard what had no utility for me.  

I viewed myself as a recipient not a benefactor. I wanted to recreate in some form or fashion, preferably a perfected, pre things fall apart version, of my childhood. To do so, I needed individuals who were willing to play roles, and I had to play a role myself. I was reenacting as opposed to establishing. 

It was necessary to expand my definition of home and family in order to experience acceptance, gratitude, and ultimately joy. For me, home is no longer one's place of residence or origin. It is not the social unit formed by a family living together. For me, home is self. I am home when a harmonious relationship with self is achieved. 

When INTRA-harmony happens, I can establish home wherever I am. When INTRA-harmony happens, it is easier to be in harmony with my environment. As I become more and more at home in myself, I am able to create more functional connections with others.

As I cleaned and organized today, I looked around and counted the little, average, seemingly insignificant things, both tangibles and intangibles, that bring me joy and contribute to my sense of peace and well-being. I snapped a picture because I am so proud of my space. I love my cabinet, an impulse buy at Target. I love my artwork, faux plants, candles, journals, and my books. (I really LOVE my books.) 

I am home.

P.S.

What makes you feel at home within yourself and environment?

Let's talk about it: Haters

Some people want, nay, long for, haters. It's a thing. 🤷🏿‍♀️ Some misguided soul at some point said something that amounted to "you ain't winning if you ain't got haters" and referenced Jesus, Judas, the Pharisees and Sadducees, and a few scriptures thus revolutionizing the perspective on having a camp of people wanting, nay, longing for your failure, unhappiness, and general decline.

There was a time in my life when I thought "I must be doing something wrong. I have not one hater. I must make one by tomorrow." 🤦🏿‍♀️🤦🏿‍♀️🤦🏿‍♀️ Now, I know that the minding of one's business, avoidance of drama, and internal checking of one's motives and attitudes generally creates likeability. I do not have haters. A part from the  lot of people who genuinely root for me, most of the world regards me with a pleasant indifference if they regard me at all. I am okay with this non-polarizing, quiet life.

I said all of that to say:

Refuse to occupy the hater quota or space for anyone. You can accept or reject these well-wishes, good vibes, and happy thoughts, but they radiate from me anyhow. I refuse to allow anyone to transform my energy into pettiness or negativity. 

Ladies and gentlemen, protect you peace. 

Blessed are the peacemakers. (That's in the Book.)

The entire last decade was a process of elimination. I learned what was a definite "no," "no thank you," and "hell no" for me. This process of elimination extended to education, finances, faith, career, relationships, health, time, preferences, dislikes, etc. I ended the decade with a beautiful clarity about what I do not want and/or need. 

I know what I am unwilling to give and sacrifice including, but not limited to self, sanity, peace, and purpose. I know what does not work well for my body, heart, and mind including, but not limited to dairy, lack of sleep, lack of exercise, tweezing, fast food, casual sex, a revolving door of relationships, cohabitation, fear, depression, anxiety, and agnosticism. I am clear what I do not want included in the mission, vision, policies, and practices governing my life.

Somewhere between the age of 11 and 14, I wrote a valedictorian speech. (I just knew I'd graduate valedictorian. That didn't happen, but it's okay. Let's move on.🤷🏿‍♀️) In this speech, I admonished my imagined audience to prize observation as the greatest teacher. Because observation is less costly than experience, the wise person, I wrote, learns from others' experiences and does not have to experience everything for him or herself. 

Then, I set out to learn everything the hard way. (🤦🏿‍♀️🤦🏿‍♀️🤦🏿‍♀️) From 2010 to 2019, age 19 through 29, I willingly and knowingly participated in lessons that cost a great deal aka dumb-ass decisions. I went in circles. I took detours. I started construction projects on every road and left them unattended. It was, and this is  minimization, a hot mess. 

When I sorted through that mess, bagged the heaps of trash and toss that crap out, cleaned, and rearranged a beautiful space was revealed. Clarity! Clarity! Clarity! (Where had you been all my life? 😊🥰😍) I can work with clarity. I know where to start with clarity. The clarity that accompanies and encompasses me in 2020 is exciting.

There's no more time for trying a little of everything. (Ouch! 😬😰 I just stepped on my own toes.) The process of elimination while filled with utility is time consuming. I understand the lessons. I passed the test. I do not have to repeat the course. (Thank you, Jesus! 🙌🏿) Now, I can apply my knowledge and clarity. Now, I can start walking in purpose on purpose. Now, I can start operating according to vision I have painstakingly cultivated. Clarity is performance-enhancing. It will not execute my vision for me, but it attaches meaning and value to execution.

Happy Birthday, Mother

When I was younger, I was convinced, in a childish, egocentric way, I knew better than my Mother. I viewed her life and choices from a judgemental, critical perspective. I failed to understand that the reason I thought independently and voiced with audacity is because I stood on her teachings, planted by her sacrifices and watered by her experiences.

My mother carried and birthed me at 16 years of age. A little over a month later, on December 31st 1990, she turned 17. She was a baby herself, but nevertheless, she parented. 

Years later, when I was 17 and she was 33, I thought "How dare she? How dare she fall a part? She has responsibilities. She's a mother. She's a grown woman. She should handle life better. Her coping skills should be better."

Today, as I stand around the corner from 30, I think "How did she? It's just me. I'm college-educated. I earn more than my mother earned, but she made it work WITH three children. How did she? How did she do it? How did she stand so strong for so long? How did she recover? How does she still have faith? How did she still love and trust? How did she forgive? How does she have any semblance of sanity and peace?" 

Now, I think "If she did, and I know she did, then I can. I know I will."My Mother did not teach me perfection. I saw her fail and struggle, but I witness her grow and defy. My Mother models resilience in womanhood and motherhood and life. 

I wish her the happiest of birthdays. May every day of this new year, age 46 and year 2020, bring you ever more closer to joy, peace, and prosperity. I love you, Sister. I love you, SisterWoman. I love you, Mama.

"My mother's gifts of courage to me were both large and small. The latter are woven so subtly into the fabric of my psyche that I can hardly distinguish where she stops and I begin."

- Mom & Me & Mom | Maya Angelou

"She said, "All right, you go, but remember this: when you cross my doorstep, you have already been raised. With what you have learned from your Grandmother Henderson in Arkansas and what you have learned from me, you know the difference between right and wrong. Do right. Don't let anybody raise you from the way you have been raised. Know you will always have to make adaptations, in love relationships, in friends, in society, in work, but don't let anybody change your mind."

- Mom & Me & Mom | Maya Angelou

"She liberated me from a society that would have had me think of myself as the lower of the low. She liberated me to life."

- Mom & Me & Mom | Maya Angelou

"I really saw clearly, and for the first time, why a mother is really important. Not just because she feeds and also loves and cuddles and even mollycoddles a child, but because in an interesting and maybe an eerie and unworldly way, she stands in the gap. She stands between the unknown and the known."

- Mom & Me & Mom | Maya Angelou

I belong to You.

You're more real than the ground I'm standing on
You're more real than the wind in my lungs
You're thoughts define me

You're inside me
You're my reality

Abba, I belong to You
Abba, I belong to You

[You're closer than the skin on my bones
You're closer than the song on my tongue
You're thoughts define me

You're inside me
You're my reality

Abba, I belong to You
Abba, I belong to You

Dream Big Big One

Sometimes, in order to protect myself and my heart, I stifle the desire for a thing or person. I deny it outright with such vigor that I am convinced I never desired that thing or person at all. Denial can be temporarily effective, but it is not a long-term solution.

Recently, I accepted that I desired something more than I thought possible. The realization scared me 💩less. It still scares me, but here I am "feeling the fear" and not denying myself the beauty of that vision. I feel the hope in spite of the possibility that everything may not go according to plan, and this will not be an easy journey.

I feel ill-prepared and overwhelmed, but my heart is open in a way that is wonderfully brave and vulnerable. I feel undereducated and uncomfortable, but I know a force of excitement that is barely containable. I feel panic that can only be described as "Expletive! Expletive! EXPLETIVE!," and I have peace and joy that can only be described as Philippians 4:7.

I recently talked to my 6 year old stepsister who advised me that she wanted to be a Scientist, Veterinarian, and "Solver" (investigator or detective) among other things. She asked me, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" She gave me permission to dream big because in her hopeful, extraordinary, bright mind, no vision is beyond realization. (Thank you, Daniyah!)

Maybe, and I have a good feeling about this, becoming like little children is not only the path to humility and Heaven. Becoming like children it is the path imagination and a purposeful, visionary life. Opening oneself to one's vision, dreams, and desires is opening oneself to hope and imagination.

My heart's desires are not outlandish or impossible or beyond my capabilities, capacity, or grasp. Neither are your heart's desires. I purchased a children's book for myself, Dream Big Little One by Vashti Harrison, and I'm so excited to read it. (It will be delivered tomorrow. 😁😁😁) With a sense of urgency, I implore you and me:

Dream Big Big One 🖤

What do you want?

"I want a guy to show me myself. I want him to love me so deeply, I’m not afraid to show him how ugly I can be. I want him to show me scars I never knew I had. But I don’t want him to make them go away. I want him to hold my hand while I nurse them myself. And I want him to cherish the bruises they leave behind." - Queen & Slim