I know I'm not always the problem. I know I can be a problem. I know it was never really about relational problems. This wasn't about him or them or us.
It was about me.
I cannot be in a relationship and out of integration. I cannot be "in love" with you and unloving to me. I cannot be attached to someone else and detached from my body, feelings, and self.
About two years ago, I announced, "I won't be in a relationship until I no longer feel anything for Luc. That just wouldn't be fair." I laugh a little thinking about that externalized metric. The false consideration for others is cringy.
Two years later, I still have moments of missing him and our connection. I still get in my feelings from time to time. I struggle with the fact that my choice to leave our relationship and California led to his choice to not be in relationship with me in any capacity. He has stood on business. (I expect nothing less of him.)
From my perspective, I "broke my own heart." From his, I "disrespected the plans...made for the future" and "acted unilaterally." Both are true.
In June 2022, I made a hard choice. I came "home," surrounded myself with my loving community, and began to unpack with a mental health professional.
In June 2023, I made another hard decision. I opened my home and life to a sweet, then 3-month-old boy.
In June 2024, I know decisions can be hard, right, and good. I know love is durable; trust is fragile; and shit works out as it should. I don't know the plans The Orchestrator of Everything has for me. I infer from past experiences, faith, and a different, new trust that they are interesting and good.
I also know that I held onto Luc in the figurative sense because it was easier. I used him as a way to keep distance. That's unfair. It is selfish.
I know I must make another hard decision. I must let go, stand on business, and become my own metric for readiness. I must continue to seek awareness, work towards congruence, and be with me a little while longer.
I started this writing listening to "I'm Not Ok" by H.E.R. I had a cleansing cry. I feel better than ok. I feel ready to welcome year two.
Happy June!
