I thought about it before, but I made the decision during this conversation.
We were discussing Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Our lives were shifting, and we were having an intellectual conversation about it.
I sat across from a man I adore and love - the person who made me feel safest and gave me space to be the most vulnerable LeKechia - and said "Here, with you, my physiological needs are met. I don't have love and belonging. I will never reach self-actualization."
He didn't deny that in its totality. Instead, he moved to the computer to pull up a chart. I was wrong.
Physiological and safety needs were two different categories. He asserted that I had belonging too. He was right.
"Yes, 2.5 of my needs are being met. I need the other 2.5 as well. I want love, esteem, and self-actualization. You have them. I want that for me too."
I had to move swiftly because it was the saddest, bravest decision I'd made. I didn't trust myself to linger. A flight was booked. I returned to Texas the very next day. Within a week, I was in my furnished apartment and back to work.
I went to California for this mutual commitment based on trust and like-mindedness. My time there sparked curiosity about deeper, greater, more. I wanted MY love and esteem. It was the first time I've moved or left that had nothing to do with anyone else.
I found more than my ability to deeply love and trust. I found more than the understanding that I do know how to live peacefully with another human. I found a deep desire to know health and freedom. I learned that even the most beautiful and safest of cages stifle.
I understood that my rescue was my job.
My mom and KEG were rocks. They understood and did not require lengthy explanations. It is something beautiful. I had their trust and support in my leaving and in my returning.
I was in grief because that relationship and person meant so much to me. My mom cried just hearing me. Olanda is the empathy OG.
I was in joy because I meant more to myself. I was determined to get on the receiving end of my own goodness. I was clear about the path forward and confused as hell about all the conflicting emotions.
One year ago today, I chose to walk towards self-actualization. I wanted it more than positive perceptions, a good reputation, and comfort. I call it a return to sanity because it was a return to Self. If doing the same thing over and over is the definition of insanity; this must be the opposite.
Over the past year, I've taken steps forward and back. Then, I go forward again. I've shaken up a lot of shit. On the outside it may look like chaos. It is actually discovery. I am a opening up whole new worlds.
I did not give up a comfortable life for a comfortable life. I did not end a deep connection for surface ones. I am seeking, creating, and moving towards the wildest, truest, most beautiful life I can imagine.
And, I KNOW it is possible for me.
My teens were about freezing. My 20s were about flocking and fleeing. Right now, my 30s are about fighting, and I am worthy of all my fight. Still, somehow, it's about resting.
P.S.: "Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it." (Elizabeth Gilbert) Today, I send you light and love and gratitude.
Today, I celebrate the got damn cheetah that I am. 🐆 "You are not crazy. You are a goddamn cheetah." (Glennon Doyle) #untamed
- Wrote June 5th 2023
