About June 5th 2022:

I thought about it before, but I made the decision during this conversation. 

We were discussing Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 

Our lives were shifting, and we were having an intellectual conversation about it. 

I sat across from a man I adore and love - the person who made me feel safest and gave me space to be the most vulnerable LeKechia - and said "Here, with you, my physiological needs are met. I don't have love and belonging. I will never reach self-actualization."

He didn't deny that in its totality. Instead, he moved to the computer to pull up a chart. I was wrong. 

Physiological and safety needs were two different categories. He asserted that I had belonging too. He was right.

"Yes, 2.5 of my needs are being met. I need the other 2.5 as well. I want love, esteem, and self-actualization. You have them. I want that for me too."

I had to move swiftly because it was the saddest, bravest decision I'd made. I didn't trust myself to linger. A flight was booked. I returned to Texas the very next day. Within a week, I was in my furnished apartment and back to work.

I went to California for this mutual commitment based on trust and like-mindedness. My time there sparked curiosity about deeper, greater, more. I wanted MY love and esteem. It was the first time I've moved or left that had nothing to do with anyone else.

I found more than my ability to deeply love and trust. I found more than the understanding that I do know how to live peacefully with another human. I found a deep desire to know health and freedom. I learned that even the most beautiful and safest of cages stifle. 

I understood that my rescue was my job.

My mom and KEG were rocks. They understood and did not require lengthy explanations. It is something beautiful. I had their trust and support in my leaving and in my returning. 

I was in grief because that relationship and person meant so much to me. My mom cried just hearing me. Olanda is the empathy OG. 

I was in joy because I meant more to myself. I was determined to get on the receiving end of my own goodness. I was clear about the path forward and confused as hell about all the conflicting emotions.

One year ago today, I chose to walk towards self-actualization. I wanted it more than positive perceptions, a good reputation, and comfort. I call it a return to sanity because it was a return to Self. If doing the same thing over and over is the definition of insanity; this must be the opposite.

Over the past year, I've taken steps forward and back. Then, I go forward again. I've shaken up a lot of shit. On the outside it may look like chaos. It is actually discovery. I am a opening up whole new worlds.

I did not give up a comfortable life for a comfortable life. I did not end a deep connection for surface ones. I am seeking, creating, and moving towards the wildest, truest, most beautiful life I can imagine.

 And, I KNOW it is possible for me.

My teens were about freezing. My 20s were about flocking and fleeing. Right now, my 30s are about fighting, and I am worthy of all my fight. Still, somehow, it's about resting.

P.S.:  "Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it." (Elizabeth Gilbert) Today, I send you light and love and gratitude. 

Today, I celebrate the got damn cheetah that I am. 🐆 "You are not crazy. You are a goddamn cheetah." (Glennon Doyle) #untamed

- Wrote June 5th 2023

Damn

When I deny what I actually want for what I'm "supposed to" want, chaos ensues. It is a dishonest, inauthentic, confused way of being. Choices made from that place rarely become wins; they become "bought lessons." How much more more am I willing to pay to accept the awareness and implement the knowledge? 

Daily Acts of Intimacy

When I was a child, being the only girl, I had my own room. Whether we lived in a house or apartment, my brothers bunked together; I was solo. Honestly, I hated it. My mom and her husband and "the boys" were coupled as I marched off to nightly solitary confinement. 

(To be fair, in the daytime or when I was pissed, I thank God for the X chromosome that gave me space.)

Since childhood, I have had disturbing, vivid dreams. Sometimes, it's the same one; other times, they are different. I wake up with my heart racing and less frequently now, in a state of anxiety or full-blown tears. 

When I got older and had "sleepovers," I realized how much I enjoy sleeping with another human. In our society, "sleep with" is often a euphemism for sex. It's not that for me.

In 2015, I wrote how there must be a "level of trust and security... established with someone" to do that "daily act of intimacy." I stand by the assessment I made at 25 years old. Sleep - like kissing, holding hands, and meeting loved ones - I typically reserve for my most intimate connections.

In college, I woke up from one of these nightmares with my then boyfriend lying beside me. We talked about the dream. It was the first time I discussed it with someone else.

Luc was a calming voice and presence. Whether he was in the same room or another state/country, I could call him. Time wasn't a consideration. We'd talk through it.

I woke up from a disturbing dream this morning. 

I stopped the music and acknowledged it wasn't exactly a peaceful playlist. I reminded myself it was a dream, not a prescription for action in reality. I reflected on what my subconscious mind could be processing. I took a deep breath. I started writing. I calmed me. 

I coax and coach myself back to this plane. I am self-regulating. That's growth.

MJ is still peacefully sleeping in the other room. It is Sunday. It's early enough to get another hour or two of rest. I fell into dream-free sleep. 

When I meet someone special, I'll tell them, without providing context, I look forward to sleeping with you. (It will be truthful.) Sleep, afterall, is a daily act of intimacy - a way to show established trust and security within and without. Isn't that beautiful?

Welcome June

I've been single for two years now. I've been back in Texas for two years now. I've been in therapy - consistently and intermittently - for about that same amount of time. I see where I allowed too much, gave too little, underestimated, overestimated, and was out of balance and integrity.

I know I'm not always the problem. I know I can be a problem. I know it was never really about relational problems. This wasn't about him or them or us. 

It was about me.

I cannot be in a relationship and out of integration. I cannot be "in love" with you and unloving to me. I cannot be attached to someone else and detached from my body, feelings, and self.

About two years ago, I announced, "I won't be in a relationship until I no longer feel anything for Luc. That just wouldn't be fair." I laugh a little thinking about that externalized metric. The false consideration for others is cringy.

Two years later, I still have moments of missing him and our connection. I still get in my feelings from time to time. I struggle with the fact that my choice to leave our relationship and California led to his choice to not be in relationship with me in any capacity. He has stood on business. (I expect nothing less of him.)

From my perspective, I "broke my own heart." From his, I "disrespected the plans...made for the future" and "acted unilaterally." Both are true.

In June 2022, I made a hard choice. I came "home," surrounded myself with my loving community, and began to unpack with a mental health professional.

In June 2023, I made another hard decision. I opened my home and life to a sweet, then 3-month-old boy. 

In June 2024, I know decisions can be hard, right, and good. I know love is durable; trust is fragile; and shit works out as it should. I don't know the plans The Orchestrator of Everything has for me. I infer from past experiences, faith, and a different, new trust that they are interesting and good.

I also know that I held onto Luc in the figurative sense because it was easier. I used him as a way to keep distance. That's unfair. It is selfish. 

I know I must make another hard decision. I must let go, stand on business, and become my own metric for readiness. I must continue to seek awareness, work towards congruence, and be with me a little while longer.

I started this writing listening to "I'm Not Ok" by H.E.R. I had a cleansing cry. I feel better than ok. I feel ready to welcome year two. 

Happy June!