March 25th

When I started this writing, feeling anxious and fearful, I wrote: My deepest fear used to be arriving to the end of my life unaccomplished, not actualized, with great potential and minimal results. Now I am afraid of reaching the end of my life traumatized, unhealed, and unproductive in the sense of a healthy, in tact soul bearing fruit.

I stopped writing in the notes of my phone, picked up a pen, and started to journal.  Then I made a cup of tea. I lit a calming candle. I sat with the part of me stuck in the future and the part stuck in the past. We cried. I soothed my parts with understanding and patience. I was gentle with us as I brought us back to now. 

Here, right now, in this moment, I am safe.

In our last session, my therapist reminded me of the following:

1. Trust your intuition, but not the mind.

2. Pay attention to trauma responses.

3. [Ask] Where is this stemming from?

4. Triggers are an opportunity to go within; never to project.

I leaned into those reminders today.

Last night you reached for me because you were wandering in darkness - lost in that beautiful, untamed mind. I am skilled at bringing you back and absorbing your negative energy. With grace, laughter, and sultriness, I transform it into something affirming, soft, sweet, and pleasurable. l take the energy you bring and make light. My alchemy is your advantage. God-given giftedness is inexhaustible, but my patience is not. The heart is willing; the boundaries are rigid.

B.P.

I love my child. 

In many ways, I changed for the better with his arrival into my life. 

I miss who I was before my child. 

I miss the freedom, time, identity, simplicity, and relationships the way they existed BP. 

Before Parenthood.

I want to acknowledge this without internal guilt or external judgment. I know there are safe places and people, outside of my therapist and sessions, to hold space for these two truths. I celebrate motherhood; I miss me-hood at the same damn time.

This is my current experience. I know I am not unique. I am in transition with many other in flux humans.

Can we talk candidly about it? Transition is beautiful. It is also chaotic, messy, and frustrating. Some days I feel I am thriving; other days I feel I am drowning. 

I was 32 years old when I became a grown-up to my little human. I was just approaching a version of womanhood that was about release, confidence, authenticity, and mastery. 

Now, I am relearning who I am again. I am encountering new challenges. I am learning while teaching and modeling. I desperately want to get this right while understanding perfection is unachievable. Even as I am more seasoned in age, I am a novice in parenting.

It's understandably daunting. It is understandable to romanticize life B.P. from time to time. I hope it is also understood that I wouldn't change the decisions that led me to MJ.

Right Places

How I Got There:

I am at the wrong Walgreens location. I scheduled on Osage and 34th, not Bell and 34th. 🤦🏿‍♀️ Furthermore, I must do the test in the drive up lane; I took an Uber here.

I walk away from the pharmacy area. I am standing near the freezer aisle, likely looking as puzzled as I feel. 

...

Today, I've called four to five different entities asking the same questions. I'd like a respiratory panel to test for Adenovirus and Parainfluenza 3. Each entity confirmed they only offer COVID, flu, Strept, and RSV tests.

I just want confirmation that I do not have a virus that can worsen MJ's condition.

...

A Walgreens team member sees me, stops, and asks if she can help. "Yes. Please!" She spoke to the pharmacist. He agreed to test me in the store's clinic area as soon as he could.

Throughout my inquiry and wait, I notice a woman. She also has that look. I sit next to her. I overhear a conversation.

She just wants her child's prescription. She obtains RxBIN and PCN information from Medicaid. She gives it to the pharmacy technician. It doesn't work. The medication costs $25.99. She does not have it.

She sits back down, gets back on the phone, and keeps trying. Of course, she does. She's a worn-out, determined advocate. She is the middle person in an overly complicated process. 

The policy is active, but the information does not pull when run by the pharmacy. Her frustration is palpable even though she doesn't argue or protest. She sits back down, gets back on the phone, and keeps trying.

I have a moment of "Don't get involved, LeKechia. You're being nosey. This isn't your problem." There's also a loud inner prompting: "You thought this was about you and MJ, but God is going to get glory in her life."

I say "Ma'am" in that way Karina mimics so well. "Come on. Let's get your baby's medicine." She looks at me and immediately starts to cry and tell me her story.

I reminded her that "God sees you. You're doing the best you can. It's not that you're not doing enough. It shouldn't be this hard."

That message was for her and me. Two women just trying to make sure our little humans are okay. We decide not to hug. (Her baby's sick. My baby's sick.) But, we exchanged a renewing energy.

My hope for her is that they get the job that enables them to move out of that hotel into a comfortable, safe environment to care for their baby and selves without lack or bureaucracy.

I was at the wrong Walgreens at the wrong time, and I was in the right place at the right time.

Side note: I struggle when it comes to telling "good deeds" publicly. 

I always think about Matthew 6. I do not want to be among "the hypocrites...blowing trumpets in the synagogues and streets to call attention to their acts of charity" who "have received all the reward they will ever get." (Matthew 6:2 NLT) Also, I have been the recipient of so much quiet generosity. I appreciate it and those individuals so; I want to reciprocate and emulate that goodness.

This isn't bragging. It's about trust and positioning. It is about how we are strategically placed in the paths of one another. And, that, dear friends, I am convinced is not coincidence. In that way, this is about faith.