2023 Walk to End Alzheimer's

Aunt Jo's Wisdom

I've never bought into that "you just know" notion. Love is a tricky thing. Sometimes it feels like an undeniable force that hits between the eyes and doesn't let up. Other times, it's malleable, questionable. It's truth hidden in and amongst external obstacles and internal circumstances that have formed who you are, what you expect in the world, and how you can accept love. Oh to say the least, it's complicated. And if a mind's abuzz with pressure and deadlines and "what if this and that," I imagine love's truth would be a near-impossible thing to feel. I wonder if, when all's quiet in your mind, you'll find your answer.

St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

No Heat. No Judgement.

I do not have the grace to live anyone else's life or vision. There is peace in understanding this. It enables me to let go of comparisons and expectations that do not align with the gifts and grace in my possession. 

It is easy to impose and be accosted by external ideas about intrinsic identity and knowing. It's easy to become a defender of one's way as the way. I'm trying to get to a place of removing "the heat and judgement."

I want to practice awe in lieu of persuasion, justification, reduction, or comparison. I can marvel at the grace you were given to execute your mission and vision and live your life without deeming any of it as worthwhile or lackluster. No heat. No judgement. Simply appreciation. 

In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly. Romans 12:6‭-‬8 NLT

Bubba & Isaiah

Our step dad was the kind of man that picked up a stray cat, took him to vet, and adopted him into the family. He was a wise philosopher of sorts. A "man's man" who was very comfortable with feelings and emotions. 

He was also the kind of man that would tell you to leave his home. He'd ask twice on a good day. By the third time, he'd say "No. Stay right there;" lock the door; and walk to the back. You had better be gone before he returned. 😂 (I remember begging someone not to "F around and find out.")

We laugh about the dichotomies of our childhood now even as we struggle to reconcile with them as adults. That's the fascinating connection with siblings. We have three different perspective of the same events. We were impacted by them in different ways. Still, we understand each other in ways others cannot.

I am never homesick for a place. "Home" in the nostalgic sense disappeared years ago. When I am homesick it is for the two grown men who understand why "Big baby gon shoot" is hilarious. 

Little Fires Everywhere

33

Do you ever make it out of your head? 

Do you still swim in your thoughts? 

Do you still mistake your flaws for property?

Somethin' that just don’t sit right with you

But Heaven knows

Heaven knows

Your wings can't weigh you down

But angels make a way somehow

And if we fall

We fall on clouds

Black girl here

Black girl with the Black girl hair

Took a little sunkiss just to look like this

God-sent

You're an angel

...

Heaven wears your halo

They know you’re an angel 

...

I'm a big deal

I gеt sick and tired of holdin' it in

Rich blood

You can probably see the gold in my skin

I'm more than a girl

Won't let the troubles of the world

Come weigh me down

...

But angels make a way somehow

And if we fall

We fall on clouds

Black girl here

Black girl with the Black girl hair

Took a little sunkiss just to look like this

God-sent

You're an angel

...

Some might hate and they wait on your fall

They don't know there’s a grace for it all

My flaws don’t make me

Beautiful and real are you

They cannot compare

All you

Perfectly a masterpiece in all of me

Even my scars

Even my scars

Black girl here

Black girl with the Black girl hair

Took a little sunkiss just to look like this

God-sent

You're an angel

- Halle | Angel

PCP

So often my focus is on ERs:

BettER

HighER

HappiER

WealthiER

SimplER

FastER

PrettiER

SmartER

ThinnER

WisER

OldER

PoorER

HardER

LowER

NevER

It takes intention to remember my PCP: 

Passion

Contentment

Purpose

 

The passions that fuel purpose; the contentment that leads to joy and peace are worthy of attention.

I am not anti-striving. 

I should devote serious effort and energy to the people and pursuits important to me. Still, there is room to feel and show satisfaction with my possessions, status, and situation. There is room for contentment and gratitude.

Today I've done seemingly small things. 

I attended a volleyball game to cheer for Autumn & The Lady Buffs; finally watched Elemental; ate a good homecooked meal made with love by a friend; took an enjoyable outdoor walk, and swung at the playground for the big kid I am at heart.

I spent time with two of my favorite people. We talked, laughed, listened to music, did at-home karaoke, ate a fire meal, and we loved on our MJ. 

With The Aunties present, I did not have to worry about my son. Today, I was in contentment. This wasn't the plan. It's better than planned. 🖤

A Whole New World

Navigating #work and #parenthood is new to me. I have been a grown-up to my little human for 75 days. I've been a "working mom" for approximately two weeks. 

I am now aware of challenges that I once regarded with polite sympathy and disinterest.

Thrust into a world impacted by child care deserts; wildly long waitlists; hefty price tags; never-ending rotations of feed, change, play, and nap; and bottle nipples with numbers that apparently provide relevant information, I have a new appreciation and respect for working parents. 

Parent or child-free, most of us want to be successful in our professional pursuits. We want to manage stress, problem solve, and be assets to our organizations. We want to do our jobs and do them well.

We're all human. 

We have lives outside of work that require that same skillset (the ability to manage stress and problem solve). In our homes, with our families, we are indispensable. We must do that job and do it well.

We wear many hats. Often, it all requires #flexibility, juggling, creativity, caffeine, and ample #support. Although we cannot be in two places at once, we can commit to focus in each moment and give our best.

We can do what's necessary to be present.

We can take deep breaths; recognize our own challenges and competences; and extend patience and understanding smiles to our leaders, colleagues, and neighbors.

"Why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

Growing up I thought pervasive sadness, anxiety, and feelings of loneliness, isolation, and unworthiness were Kechia things. Since they were a character defect, I hid them under public facing kindess and smiles. I was a savage to myself.

Then, the contrast between my light and darkness created added shame. It widened the gap to authenticity. It made me feel unknown and unknowable. 

The first time I went to therapy because of the "strong" recommendation from my director and HR. I was working at a mental health hospital. Something happened in my personal life that would not be quiet or hidden. 

I thought I would die from the embarrassment. That embarrassment saved me. ALL things work together...

Ted Graeser, LPC (Garland) was my first therapist. We had 3 sessions through EAP. In that office, I started the process of unburdening.

When I moved to Amarillo, it took a few tries, but I connected with Maxine Westmoreland, LPC. We went deeper. Our therapeutic relationship was invaluable. In her office I started to gain understanding.

Healing is a process. Dysfunction can be comforting. I stopped and started sessions multiple times. I was not yet ready to "do my work" as Iyanla Vanzant would say.

When I was ready, I connected with Natasha Glass, LPC (Dallas). Our sessions...I tried to finish describing what this process has been like and could not. 

I "push" therapy because I know the impact Ted, Maxine, and Natasha made in my life. They partnered with me. They advocated for me to me.

Everything didn't change.

 

Traumas did not instantly resolve. Triggers did not cease to exist. But I was heard, seen, and challenged. I was reminded that I am not powerless against my mind and life's experiences.

There were times that my depression and anxiety required medication. That's okay too. My providers supported me through that.

This world is designed to make us cover up. So many of us are not mentally healthy, trying to power through, and convinced we are alone. Talking doesn't fix everything, but silence can be deadly. We laud our wins. We are mute on our losses. 

The hype is a lie. No one wins all the time. Everyone catches hell from time to time.

Science and religion are on the same page about the power of what happens in the mind. It's real. It's hard. It often requires help.

We all struggle. 

We don't have to suffer.

Word to the unseen:

We (everybody reading this) shall live [abundant lives] and not die [mentally, spiritually, emotionally, etcetera].

I used their names because I highly recommend either for starting the therapeutic journey.

Soapbox

The hair coming from my head should be long and thick. Got it.

The hair above my eyes is acceptable when manicured, symmetrical, and neat. Got it.

The hair above my lip should be removed. ASAP. Got it. 

The hair everywhere else on my face shouldn't exist. Got it.

The hair under my arms is an abomination. Got it.

Hair on my legs, thighs, ass, and every other body part should be minimal to non-existent. Got it.

The hair on my vagina should be whatever a he prefers. Got it.

God forbid I have hair in places women shouldn't. Got it.

And if I don't adhere to "the rules," I won't have love, happiness, and a shot of being chosen. Got it.

As a woman with hirsutism, I have spent days in bed filled with grief and shame about HAIR. I have wasted too much mental energy on HAIR. I want to get to a place where I refuse to participate at all. 

The rules concerning femininity are exhausting. I'll keep calling them out until the arbiters of this tomfoolery find several seats and take them.

To paraphrase Glennon Doyle, "they" keep us so focused on the trivial (aka in cages), so we'll never get about doing our world-changing business (aka being goddamn cheetahs).

Accountability

Am I the pro​gen​i​tor of this judgement

Were these thoughts and ideas birthed from a place within me?

Am I a prop​a​gator of beliefs that leave me unsettled? 

What is my responsibility for the untruths I have inherited and bequeathed?

Future Generations Need Us Free

It's so human. We look "out there" towards others for confirmation and validation. Am I real? Do I matter? Are my contributions meaningful? When our internal worlds are hostile, we're forced to accept external incivility. No place feels safe when our minds are chaotic. No person feels soft when our hearts are rocky. What we see "out here" is the manifestation of billions of internal wars. 

All happening at once. 

Intra-conflicts. 

Inter-con​se​quen​tial.

...

What if there were billions of people at peace with themselves?

Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God. 

Peace with self is a worthy pursuit even when the significance is not recognized or lauded.

Repentance

I wanted "a god I could believe in," so I made an idol out of you. Bodies as altars. Passion as church. Obedience as pleasure. Submission rained on Earth as I ascended into that coveted space. Atheistic. Sacrilegious. Starving for Divinity. The longer we played; the more I knew. I was drawn to The Intangible even as I touched you. Man is powerful, but man cannot read my mind. Man takes my breath away, but man cannot revive...

the decaying self.

I needed God, but I made a mockery out of you. At the height of our delusion, we did not elude truth. There is make-believe. There is reality. There is no I AM substitute.

"...if God is your emotional role model, very few human relationships will match up to it."  - Jeanette Winterson

(This feels like one of my darker writings. I don’t feel dark. I'm just reflecting and flowing. 🤷🏿‍♀️)

Opportunities of Discomfort

I neither want to avoid discomfort nor complain in its presence. I want to learn to be student-minded in everything. If "all things are lessons that God would have me learn," let my eyes and heart focus on the opportunity instead of the discomfort. Uncomfortable does not mean unnecessary. "Help me to see this rightly."

...

Complaint:

noun

com·​plaint | \ kəm-ˈplānt  \

Definition

1: expression of grief, pain, or dissatisfaction

...

Gratitude 

noun

grat·​i·​tude | \ ˈgra-tə-ˌtüd , -ˌtyüd \

Definition

: the state of being grateful : THANKFULNESS

...

"We can have a grievance or we can have a miracle, but we cannot have both."