Accosted

A very real, vulnerable part of me desires to be rescued,  for some capable One to take my hand and lead me where I should go. A very real, fearful part of me feels that I cannot be my rescuer. "I won't be able to save myself" that is a terrifying thought.

Edible Assignments (Therapy Homework)

I really enjoy cookies and cake especially from someone else's kitchen. 😅 It's a completely different story with mixing and baking. The thing that really bugs me about home baking is that shit falls apart. 

You can have all of the ingredients. You can measure, measure again, and triple check your measurements. You can follow the recipe step by step, and the end result can still vary in taste and appearance. Even batches of the same recipe can be different!

At the end of the day, there are always things (ovens, cookware, etcetera) that may be out of your ability to control or change. There will always be variations that impact the final result. 

Take these cookies for example. I used quality ingredients. I followed the recipe as I've done in the past. Today, however, is my first time using this oven. Plus, I got dark brown sugar by mistake. 

I can see the difference these little changes made, but a cookie is still a cookie. It doesn't have to be perfect to be delicious. (As the quality person for these cookies, I can attest that they are more than edible. 🤷🏿‍♀️😉) 

Perhaps, it *is* all about patience and acceptance. 

P.S.: You better believe I made the internet technician take one with a bottle of water. (I'm basically both of my Grandmothers at this point. 😂😊)

The Quality or State of Being Good

Collection of bodies & skeletons 

Shame as inheritance 

Embarrassment, bold-face,

Neither outran nor escaped 

Rooted in predilections:

Unaware perceptions 

All knowing. None seeing.

False conclusions of this one being...

This assertion is a necessity

Both defiance and plea

Perhaps a desire to be seen

Or intention as a seed...

I am good too.

Paul Reiser 😍

What makes "home" home?

One day, I will own my dream home. Artists will paint birds, trees, planets, favorite quotations, and more on the walls throughout. Books will line walls and shelves. Natural life will be in every room.

For now, I am content with imagination and decals.

From Maya Angelou:

"A free bird leaps

on the back of the wind   

and floats downstream   

till the current ends

and dips HER wing

in the orange sun rays

and dares to claim the sky."

08/20/2022: Woman. Black. Human.

If I do/say/wear/experience it, it is feminine for I am woman.

If I do/say/wear/experience it, it is black for I am black.

If I do/say/wear/experience it, it is human for I am human.

There is no right or only way to be woman, black, and/or human. It is up to me to navigate my womanhood, blackness, and humanity in ways that feel true and good to my being. I owe protection and authenticity to myself. I am worthy of my own advocacy, and I am a knowledgeable, formidable advocate.

P.S.:

(1) That gray strand is my favorite strand.

(2) Living alone is a challenge and reward.

(3) Fraiser will always have a place in my home.

08/18/2022: Lists

When I am experiencing change (starting a new job), disappointment (not getting that thing my heart so desired), and/or crisis/grief/loss (my loved ones or my own), my anxiety goes into over drive, and I become overwhelmed by my own thoughts. All of these things are happening right now. Before sleeping yesterday and Tuesday, I gave myself goals. 

They're little things. Though they are seemingly insignificant, they make my world just a little more manageable and peaceful. Making a list and checking things off feels so empowering. No, I did not mark them all off today or yesterday, but that's okay too. 

From #theinvisiblelifeofaddielarue: 

"How do you walk to the end of the world? she once asked. And when Addie didn’t know, the old woman smiled that wrinkled grin, and answered. 

One step at a time."

P.S.: I'm totally giving myself bonus points for doing dishes today too. 🤷🏿‍♀️🤪 AND, I WILL journal before bed.

08/18/2022: Acceptance

And going a little farther he [Jesus] fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39 ESV

I've been thinking a lot about "nevertheless...thy will be done." Throughout my life I was taught that this is the place of surrender I should aim to live in. It always felt impossible to me, a reminder that I certainly lacked faith. In my most difficult moments, I am not like Jesus or Job or any of the champions of acceptance at all. 

I don't lead with "nevertheless." 

I lead with why. 

I could deny/hide my human need to question and understand. What would be the point? I was also taught that God knows my heart and thoughts. If I am questioning; if you are questioning, surely, He knows. 

Perhaps, this will read sacrilegious, but I am not Jesus. Jesus, as Christians understand Him, is fully man and fully God. This means that He possess all knowledge. He knows the end from the beginning. He had a certainty that mere humans, who only "know in part" (1 Corinthians 13:12), may never have on this side of Heaven.

Perhaps, this is not biblically sound thinking, but questioning (asking questions/wanting to understand) is human. If we are made in God's image, intellect is also divine. So, I would argue that we are neither wrong nor lacking faith when we ask why. Perhaps, the greatest show of faith is questioning, not receiving your answers, and choosing to believe anyways. 

For those of us not at "nevertheless," let's give ourselves a little more grace.

08/13/2022: Therapy

For the past 5 Saturdays, from 11 am to noon, in the comfort of my home or wherever I am, I've had sessions. (I was in my bed for today's session.) It is difficult to be my raw, uncut, often messy and complicated self, and therapy offers a safe, confidential space to do that. 

Still, it is a hard thing. 

The difficulty, for me anyways, lies in the awareness and accountability. I learn unpalatable truths about myself. I have to deal with me without artifice. It isn't always everyone else; sometimes I am the toxic or problematic one. 

I come face-to-face with the fact that I am an active instigator, contributor, and participant in so much of my bullshit. I gain greater awareness that, in many ways, I am attached - deeply comfortable - with my bullshit, patterns, and trauma. At the same, with ever increasing certainty, I realize I am my solution. I am the only one with the ability to change myself and the way I live and experience my life.

It is a process. It is a lot to process. 

Therapists are not yes-people. They are supportive, knowledgeable, resourceful, honest allies of health and healing. They are accountability partners. They offer evidence-based steps and solutions to change thought patterns and behaviors. They hold up a mirror and reflect you to you - both who you are right now and the you you will become with effort and consistency.

Therapy is not magic. It does not offer immediate breakthroughs. It does not fix everything. It is certainly not the easiest thing I've ever done. Still, therapy helps in small and significant ways. I know it is beneficial, and I will always advocate for it. 

I am especially grateful for my last and current therapist. Both are licensed mental health professionals. Both are women. Both are black. They have both seen, affirmed, supported, and challenged me. They've held space for me in sessions, so that I can hold space for myself outside of them. 

P.S:

When I came back to Texas, I contacted my last therapist. She is not seeing patients for a few months. As much as I was looking forward to working with her, I was happy and hopeful that she is taking time to care for herself. I hope my therapists and all people in helping professions have safe spaces to process, release, and be. 🙏🏿

08/12/2022: New Beginnings

It is day 17 of 19. Monday, I start my new job. I am excited. To gift myself an almost 3 week break from work is a blessing. With my move back to Texas and all the recent changes, this felt like a risky decision. 

All I have "to show for" the last 3 weeks is a mind that is more aware, the planted seeds of some difficult conversations and decisions, a home that feels more peaceful, and a sense of renewal that will carry me in this next phase of doing hard things. I have clarity about what direction I want my career to take. I have a better appreciation for routine and structure. 

Lyrics: Sorry

Flowers in my garden

Die faster than they grow

Slowly as they wither

I reap the seeds I sow

I have felt the wind blow

Like fire and like snow

But only shame can conquer time

And guilt should know

Be wise enough to wonder

Be brave and let it go

Nothing’s everlasting

Have mercy on my soul

Wrong wind told the right way

Might make you string your bow

When all these clouds are full of sin

And rain should know

Heaven keep the lonely

You are not the only...

No rest for the wicked

Seek and you will find

Silence is the symphony

I trust and keep in mind

Shadows have the habit

Of making demons glow

And all these clouds are full of sin

And rain should know

Heaven keep the lonely

I am not the only...

Have these leaves of gold

Give me back my soul

I know

No matter what

I can’t stay on my knees

Heaven help me please

I heard you’re feeling sorry for yourself now

Like tears from a nice silence, I, I

I heard you’re feeling sorry for yourself now

Like tears from a nice silence I cry

- Seinabo Sey 

Wildfire

Everything I touched is afire.

The truth is out; I'm the liar.

Promises compromised,

Trust is in question.

Will I remain as I am

Or incorporate the lessons?

Will my words and actions align?

Will I choose health this time?

Every part of me is ablaze.

I am the igniter, accelerant, and flame. 

Until I heal myself, this will not be contained.

Everyone I love is subjected to smoke.

Those who love me are eventually engulfed.

Lyrics: Untamed

I walked through fire; I came out the other side. I chased desire. I made sure I got what’s mine. And, I continue to believe that I am the one for me. And, because I’m mine, I walk the line.

...

I hit rock bottom; it felt like a brand new start. I’m not the problem; sometimes things fall apart. And, I continue to believe the best people are free. And, it took some time, but I’m finally fine.

'Cause we’re adventurers and heartbreak’s our map. A final destination we lack. We stopped asking directions to places they’ve never been. And, to be loved, we need to be known. We'll finally find our way back home. And, through the joy and pain that our lives bring, we can do hard things.

...

Yeah, we can do hard things.

- Tish Melton 

Brave New World

"Brave can feel a lot like lonely clarity." 

- We Can Do Hard Things

"Sometimes you are the only one who knows that you actually did the brave thing."

"Brave is honoring the inner self and the inner knowing even if it goes against all the outer expectations of you. Being brave sometimes requires you to allow the world to think you're a coward." - Glennon Doyle

Ineluctable

Last week was marked by difficult conversations and deeper awareness. I found myself feeling a bit overwhelmed by them, but I am grateful they happened. Clarity, resolution, and/or closure are good. Sometimes it is necessary to sit in discomfort and pain. Healing is worth it. Understanding is worth it. Progress is worth it. I am worth it.