This Christmas

My gratitude for my closest friends is so deep. This circle encloses me in comfort.

Afloat

A while back the psychologist asked me how I feel, and I said it was as if I was drowning. And, he asked what was stopping me....I said you because I see land in you, Darling. I get air from you. - The Winners | Fredrik Backman

The Seat of the Soul

Why not choose the conscious path, the path of joy? Why not journey consciously to the seat of your soul—that place where you transform energy into matter with your intentions—infuse your world with love and live there?

...

Who among us is an expert on the human experience? We have only the gift of sharing perceptions that hopefully can help those on their journey. There is no such thing as an expert on the human experience. The human experience is an experience in movement and thought and form and, in some cases, an experiment in movement and thought and form. The most that we can do is comment on the movement, the thought, and the form, but those comments are of great value if they can help people to learn to move gracefully, to think clearly, to form—like artists—the matter of their lives.

...

Anything we fear to lose—a home, a car, an attractive body, an agile mind, a deep belief—is a symbol of external power. What we fear is an increase in our vulnerability. This results from seeing power as external.

...

From this perception, the general is more valuable than the private, the executive is more valuable than the chauffeur, the doctor is more valuable than the receptionist, the parent is more valuable than the child, and the Divine is more valuable than the worshiper. We fear to transgress our parents, our bosses, and our God. All perceptions of lesser and greater personal value result from the perception of power as external.

The perception of power as external brings only pain, violence, and destruction.

...

The personality and its body are artificial aspects of the soul. When they have served their functions, at the end of the soul’s incarnation, the soul releases them. They come to an end, but the soul does not. After an incarnation, the soul returns to its immortal and timeless state. It returns once again to its natural state of compassion, clarity, and boundless love.

-Gary Zukav

Inspiration

"...Even if this never finds you, and we never speak again, you've changed my life. You know what inspiration is? It's someone who let's you know life will go on and something beautiful can be waiting somewhere..." 

- Waiting to Exhale

Consideration & Permission

I am flying back to Amarillo tomorrow (Thursday). Part of me wants/needs to change the return flight to Dallas and have a visit with family at home. Part of me wants/needs time at home in Amarillo.

Both needs (and ideas of home) are true.

My home is in Amarillo where my possessions, life, and community are. My home is also in Dallas and Greenville where my people are. Home is also my body and self because I am my most sacred space.

It is wild to know that from December 2018 until May 2021 I did not see my family. (And, we live in the same state.) My issues and fear were valid, but my response was extreme. I allowed one familia relationship to impact them all. That was not fair or wise. 

I visited home again in July 2022. I will visit again before the year ends. The gap between visits is shrinking. I will keep it this way. Always.

Last Saturday my therapist and I talked about honoring my feelings. 

I know some think I am a fly-by-night, do-as-I-please person. As a single, child-free woman, I do have a lot of freedom to move as I wish as long as I am willing to deal with the [desired or not] consequences. But, I am a considerate human.

If you have never sat with me as I agonize over how my decisions may impact others, and few have, you may not know that I am deeply feeling with people-pleasing tendencies. I have to work hard to not overthink. I have to work extra hard in most relationships to say what I actually want, think, and feel. I have to work hard to not be overwhelmed by anxiety.

This is not a pity party post. We all have our shit. We all have our work. Still, my shit is valid, and I will not minimize my own experiences. I owe myself advocacy, loyalty, and respect. 

P.S.:

1. @therapywithmaggielpc posts such good content.

2. Per our friends @merriamwebster

con​sid​er​ate

adjective

con·​sid·​er·​ate | \ kən-ˈsi-d(ə-)rət  \

Definition

1: marked by or given to careful consideration : CIRCUMSPECT

2: thoughtful of the rights and feelings of others

Layers

Santa Monica Pier

I stood there overwhelmed by its vastness. Tears in my eyes, next to the ocean and you, the water swayed as I was moved. I felt closer to the Creator. My mind traveled to my mom and our favorite lyric. 

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.

That moment was everything. It connected me to everything especially you.

Awareness Is A Win

Over the last two weeks I experienced anxiety that made me physically ill. My body and mind were on high alert. I struggled.

It's the kind of anxiety that makes me want to stay in bed, eat ice cream, binge Fraiser or Cheers, and not leave my home. 

It's the kind of anxiety that makes me the most unpleasant to those close to me.

It's the kind of anxiety that makes me most unkind to myself. 

On the verge of tears, freaking the fuck out, it occurred to me that this was not overwhelm from the situation. It was a manifestation of fear. Particularly, it was a manifestation of the fear of failure. 

I spoke aloud to myself. "You are not going to fail. You are not going to fail. This is not your failure." 

Thinking of something my therapist shared, I reframed, again aloud:

"You are going to succeed. You are going to succeed. You can do this. You got this."

I played a video with calming music and beautiful scenes on YouTube. I took a lot deep breaths. I calmed myself. 

The situation still scares me. It still feels overwhelming. I still experience anxiety. It's all more manageable though. I know the source. I am addressing fear of failure. I am disputing it. I see how it impacts me, and awareness makes a difference. 

Fear of failure has dictated so much action and inaction in my life. It's the thing that causes my anxiety to go into overdrive. It causes me to run and avoid. It diminishes my gifts and light. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Through therapy and consistency, I will overcome this. For now, I celebrate the moments of awareness. It is a win that I was able to reach within and settle myself. 

That, my dear readers, is progress.

Don't Be My Casualty

The things about me that make you come 

Are the very reasons you should run

My lips are sweet

I've mastered my tongue 

My love is energy

Affirming. Warm.

My shadows consume

"You were forewarned,"

I'll remind you softly

As our worlds turn

When this is over 

None are unscathed

And the war within me

Will continue to rage

Hard Things

I was listening to We Can Do Hard Things, and Cheryl Strayed offered a much needed [for me] perspective on greatness, mediocrity, failure, and being. 

The goal of my 30s is to look inward first. Consult my own knowing, feelings, instincts, etcetera then honor and respect myself. 

Part of me feels it is such a selfish desire. Another part says I have to live with me, be at peace with me, and carry me everywhere I go for the rest of my life. 

Also from We Can Do Hard Things:

"Help kids develop into adults who have a sense of themselves; who trust themselves; who know themselves; who gaze in before they gaze out...Gazing in first is hugely protective to mental health." 

Present

It is not what it was, but it is me. It is not what I had, but it is mine.

Mr. Gary

I was a receptionist. His husband, Jason, was the Assistant Director of Nursing. Often Jason would be called in while they were out somewhere together. 

Due to some vision and health issues, he did not drive. Instead, he'd wait in the lobby, always patient, always pleasant. We'd chat. We became friends. 

He was always so sweet and kind to me. 

One day, he came into the hospital with a homemade, baked from scratch, strawberry cake. He said it was for me. It was made with love. I knew it.

And, it was so freaking delicious. 

I had one slice of that love and shared it with my mom, aunt, and others who I cannot remember all these years later. I remember the goodness, literal and figurative goodness. I remember the kindness. I was so taken back by the pure thoughtfulness. 

The only thing he asked is that I return the antique cake dish. 

I was newly separated, going through a divorce, and other things few people knew about. It was among the most difficult times of my life, and Mr. Gary baked me a cake just because. The part of me that still has faith still believes that that is what the love of God looks and feels like.

Rest so peacefully, Mr. Gary. 

I'm so sorry for your loss, Mr. Jason.

Thank you both for thinking of me as your "baby girl."

I do not have a picture of this dear, sweet man that is mine to share. Instead, I'll share what I have...

Be a Purple Homie 💜

This year I celebrate my 32nd birthday (09/18) promoting Alzheimer's awareness. Purple Homies, our 2022 team, is a collection of friends walking to end Alzheimer's. I walk in honor of my Grandma, Mae Alice, who lives with the disease. 

Purple Homies ⬅️ Click to support our team by donating to the Alzheimer’s Association. 

Light & Love

I remember the good: every moment of happiness, security, togetherness, joy, peace, meaning, fondess, pleasure, and love. Although those moments did not comprise the totality of us, they were ours. They bind me to You inextricable ways. Our time will always be special to me...Then. Now. Always. 

"Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it." - Elizabeth Gilbert 

09/03/2022: Palo Duro Canyon

Accosted

A very real, vulnerable part of me desires to be rescued,  for some capable One to take my hand and lead me where I should go. A very real, fearful part of me feels that I cannot be my rescuer. "I won't be able to save myself" that is a terrifying thought.

Edible Assignments (Therapy Homework)

I really enjoy cookies and cake especially from someone else's kitchen. 😅 It's a completely different story with mixing and baking. The thing that really bugs me about home baking is that shit falls apart. 

You can have all of the ingredients. You can measure, measure again, and triple check your measurements. You can follow the recipe step by step, and the end result can still vary in taste and appearance. Even batches of the same recipe can be different!

At the end of the day, there are always things (ovens, cookware, etcetera) that may be out of your ability to control or change. There will always be variations that impact the final result. 

Take these cookies for example. I used quality ingredients. I followed the recipe as I've done in the past. Today, however, is my first time using this oven. Plus, I got dark brown sugar by mistake. 

I can see the difference these little changes made, but a cookie is still a cookie. It doesn't have to be perfect to be delicious. (As the quality person for these cookies, I can attest that they are more than edible. 🤷🏿‍♀️😉) 

Perhaps, it *is* all about patience and acceptance. 

P.S.: You better believe I made the internet technician take one with a bottle of water. (I'm basically both of my Grandmothers at this point. 😂😊)

The Quality or State of Being Good

Collection of bodies & skeletons 

Shame as inheritance 

Embarrassment, bold-face,

Neither outran nor escaped 

Rooted in predilections:

Unaware perceptions 

All knowing. None seeing.

False conclusions of this one being...

This assertion is a necessity

Both defiance and plea

Perhaps a desire to be seen

Or intention as a seed...

I am good too.

Paul Reiser 😍

What makes "home" home?

One day, I will own my dream home. Artists will paint birds, trees, planets, favorite quotations, and more on the walls throughout. Books will line walls and shelves. Natural life will be in every room.

For now, I am content with imagination and decals.

From Maya Angelou:

"A free bird leaps

on the back of the wind   

and floats downstream   

till the current ends

and dips HER wing

in the orange sun rays

and dares to claim the sky."

08/20/2022: Woman. Black. Human.

If I do/say/wear/experience it, it is feminine for I am woman.

If I do/say/wear/experience it, it is black for I am black.

If I do/say/wear/experience it, it is human for I am human.

There is no right or only way to be woman, black, and/or human. It is up to me to navigate my womanhood, blackness, and humanity in ways that feel true and good to my being. I owe protection and authenticity to myself. I am worthy of my own advocacy, and I am a knowledgeable, formidable advocate.

P.S.:

(1) That gray strand is my favorite strand.

(2) Living alone is a challenge and reward.

(3) Fraiser will always have a place in my home.

08/18/2022: Lists

When I am experiencing change (starting a new job), disappointment (not getting that thing my heart so desired), and/or crisis/grief/loss (my loved ones or my own), my anxiety goes into over drive, and I become overwhelmed by my own thoughts. All of these things are happening right now. Before sleeping yesterday and Tuesday, I gave myself goals. 

They're little things. Though they are seemingly insignificant, they make my world just a little more manageable and peaceful. Making a list and checking things off feels so empowering. No, I did not mark them all off today or yesterday, but that's okay too. 

From #theinvisiblelifeofaddielarue: 

"How do you walk to the end of the world? she once asked. And when Addie didn’t know, the old woman smiled that wrinkled grin, and answered. 

One step at a time."

P.S.: I'm totally giving myself bonus points for doing dishes today too. 🤷🏿‍♀️🤪 AND, I WILL journal before bed.

08/18/2022: Acceptance

And going a little farther he [Jesus] fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39 ESV

I've been thinking a lot about "nevertheless...thy will be done." Throughout my life I was taught that this is the place of surrender I should aim to live in. It always felt impossible to me, a reminder that I certainly lacked faith. In my most difficult moments, I am not like Jesus or Job or any of the champions of acceptance at all. 

I don't lead with "nevertheless." 

I lead with why. 

I could deny/hide my human need to question and understand. What would be the point? I was also taught that God knows my heart and thoughts. If I am questioning; if you are questioning, surely, He knows. 

Perhaps, this will read sacrilegious, but I am not Jesus. Jesus, as Christians understand Him, is fully man and fully God. This means that He possess all knowledge. He knows the end from the beginning. He had a certainty that mere humans, who only "know in part" (1 Corinthians 13:12), may never have on this side of Heaven.

Perhaps, this is not biblically sound thinking, but questioning (asking questions/wanting to understand) is human. If we are made in God's image, intellect is also divine. So, I would argue that we are neither wrong nor lacking faith when we ask why. Perhaps, the greatest show of faith is questioning, not receiving your answers, and choosing to believe anyways. 

For those of us not at "nevertheless," let's give ourselves a little more grace.