We Wear the Mask

BY PAUL LAURENCE DUNBAR

We wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—

This debt we pay to human guile;

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,

And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,

In counting all our tears and sighs?

Nay, let them only see us, while

       We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries

To thee from tortured souls arise.

We sing, but oh the clay is vile

Beneath our feet, and long the mile;

But let the world dream otherwise,

       We wear the mask!

Dop​pel​gäng​er

You do not know this person I've become. In some ways, she is even foreign to me. This is not to say she is unreal. She exists. She is still unfolding as I am still becoming. I have grown leery of proclamation, so I will not say she is the better or best embodiment of my evolving self. She is different, and at this time, she is truest. Her aspect is similar, but not exact. She does not speak, think, sound, smell, or feel like the me you love. Her fingerprints are unique, and the impressions she leaves are unlike the ones I left. If you knew this person I am becoming, you would either recoil from the contrast or applaud the audacity. But, there is no world - real or imagined - where you embrace her. You must regard this new me as a stranger even if you appreciate the likeness. And, I accept the cost of freedom to be who I will even as I mourn the inevitable losses.

Faithed

I just won a Words with Friends game with "faithed." All the letters I had, once properly arranged, came out to this word. I did not realize faith was a denotative, actual verb. 

And, this flows perfectly with the messages I've received throughout my day. Maybe it is a stretch to see the connections between these unrelated things. Maybe it's not. Maybe this is me faithing it.

Uprooted

I did not realize that weeds could be green and/or pretty. I did not understand that a weed is "plant that is not valued where it is growing." I also did not know that I would love weeding. 

Plucking the weed from the ground by the root is deeply satisfying. Perhaps, I've always favored uprooting especially when necessary. Perhaps, it is simply the symbolism that I love so much. It feels soul necessary for me.

Little Fires Everywhere

You'll always be sad about this, but it doesn't mean you made the wrong choice. It's just something you have to carry.

- Celeste Ng | Little Fires Everywhere 

Foreshadows

I am chaos.

I am storm. 

My love will be deep and do you harm.

I am broken.

I am fear.

My leaving will be abrupt, my reasoning unclear.

I am darkness.

I am flight.

So, stay where you are.

Live in the light.

I am chaos

and I bring storms

That I must face off or outrun.

 

Progression & Misguided Commitments

By all metrics, I am doing better.

I've been diagnosed with hypertension for a decade. Since I was 21, my readings were hypertensive crisis high even with medication compliance. My BP is now consistently normal. The other day I had a reading of 96/63! 🤯 

My blood pressure is definitely better.

I am below 200 pounds for the first time in forever! 🙌🏿👏🏿 In the past 90 days, I've lost 30 pounds. The other morning I worked out for 23 minutes in peak heart rate zone and enjoyed it. In fact, I am working out 4-6 times a week.  I am eating better and sleeping well. My health is improving. 

I look and feel so much better.

My credit score is up 100 points from last year. I no longer have credit card debt. I am planning for the future and saving for retirement. I still have so far to go, but my finances are better.

Even though I bitch far too frequently, I do not have any fires to put out and things are going relatively well. Work is challenging, but it is not beyond my abilities. The world is crazy, but that is not within my control. My default settings still give me hell, but I am putting more space between my feelings and reactions. 

All things considered, my life is better.

Even so, I find myself unable to relax and be at ease with the present. 

I am still prepared for the fight or flight. The voice of my mind continues to narrate with fear and panic. I recognize the security around me. I feel safe, but my instincts are still on alert. I am still uncomfortable with indications of permanency and mistrustful of lingering happiness. 

And, what the fuck does this say about me? 

It's quite obvious really. I have longstanding committment to displacement and desolation, and it is difficult to let them go. Perhaps, this better trend will continue. Maybe things will fall apart. Unfortunately, my clair​voy​ance is nonexistent. I know that, as always, shit will be what shit will be. 

So? Maybe it is time to stop pursing happy and just be happy.