January 01, 2023

On New Year's Day I removed my braids. 

Silly as it may read, I wanted to enter into 2023 looking like me. For over two hours, I stood in the mirror listening to Will, unraveling, detangling, and removing artifice. 

There's nothing wrong with "added hair" (aka weave/extensions) or protective styling. They were beautifully done. I liked them a lot. Honestly, I liked people's reaction to me with them.

Right now I need to lean into my relationship with self. I need to learn self-acceptance and love and unlearn people-pleasing and attention-seeking. And, removal of hair that made me feel and appear "younger," "prettier," "more feminine," etcetera was necessary.

"I am not my hair." 🎵

In the same way that I must learn to tend to my soul, heart, and healing, I must learn to tend to my hair. It is not easy, but it's mine. I am not easy, but I am mine.

Welcome back 'Fro! I know the struggle and see the growth. I may not look enthused to see you, but I am committed. 😉😅

Welcome 2023! Happy New Year! 

This Christmas

My gratitude for my closest friends is so deep. This circle encloses me in comfort.

Afloat

A while back the psychologist asked me how I feel, and I said it was as if I was drowning. And, he asked what was stopping me....I said you because I see land in you, Darling. I get air from you. - The Winners | Fredrik Backman

The Seat of the Soul

Why not choose the conscious path, the path of joy? Why not journey consciously to the seat of your soul—that place where you transform energy into matter with your intentions—infuse your world with love and live there?

...

Who among us is an expert on the human experience? We have only the gift of sharing perceptions that hopefully can help those on their journey. There is no such thing as an expert on the human experience. The human experience is an experience in movement and thought and form and, in some cases, an experiment in movement and thought and form. The most that we can do is comment on the movement, the thought, and the form, but those comments are of great value if they can help people to learn to move gracefully, to think clearly, to form—like artists—the matter of their lives.

...

Anything we fear to lose—a home, a car, an attractive body, an agile mind, a deep belief—is a symbol of external power. What we fear is an increase in our vulnerability. This results from seeing power as external.

...

From this perception, the general is more valuable than the private, the executive is more valuable than the chauffeur, the doctor is more valuable than the receptionist, the parent is more valuable than the child, and the Divine is more valuable than the worshiper. We fear to transgress our parents, our bosses, and our God. All perceptions of lesser and greater personal value result from the perception of power as external.

The perception of power as external brings only pain, violence, and destruction.

...

The personality and its body are artificial aspects of the soul. When they have served their functions, at the end of the soul’s incarnation, the soul releases them. They come to an end, but the soul does not. After an incarnation, the soul returns to its immortal and timeless state. It returns once again to its natural state of compassion, clarity, and boundless love.

-Gary Zukav

Inspiration

"...Even if this never finds you, and we never speak again, you've changed my life. You know what inspiration is? It's someone who let's you know life will go on and something beautiful can be waiting somewhere..." 

- Waiting to Exhale

Consideration & Permission

I am flying back to Amarillo tomorrow (Thursday). Part of me wants/needs to change the return flight to Dallas and have a visit with family at home. Part of me wants/needs time at home in Amarillo.

Both needs (and ideas of home) are true.

My home is in Amarillo where my possessions, life, and community are. My home is also in Dallas and Greenville where my people are. Home is also my body and self because I am my most sacred space.

It is wild to know that from December 2018 until May 2021 I did not see my family. (And, we live in the same state.) My issues and fear were valid, but my response was extreme. I allowed one familia relationship to impact them all. That was not fair or wise. 

I visited home again in July 2022. I will visit again before the year ends. The gap between visits is shrinking. I will keep it this way. Always.

Last Saturday my therapist and I talked about honoring my feelings. 

I know some think I am a fly-by-night, do-as-I-please person. As a single, child-free woman, I do have a lot of freedom to move as I wish as long as I am willing to deal with the [desired or not] consequences. But, I am a considerate human.

If you have never sat with me as I agonize over how my decisions may impact others, and few have, you may not know that I am deeply feeling with people-pleasing tendencies. I have to work hard to not overthink. I have to work extra hard in most relationships to say what I actually want, think, and feel. I have to work hard to not be overwhelmed by anxiety.

This is not a pity party post. We all have our shit. We all have our work. Still, my shit is valid, and I will not minimize my own experiences. I owe myself advocacy, loyalty, and respect. 

P.S.:

1. @therapywithmaggielpc posts such good content.

2. Per our friends @merriamwebster

con​sid​er​ate

adjective

con·​sid·​er·​ate | \ kən-ˈsi-d(ə-)rət  \

Definition

1: marked by or given to careful consideration : CIRCUMSPECT

2: thoughtful of the rights and feelings of others

Layers