Magenta

Last year, I listened to Untamed by Glennon Doyle, and I loved the read. Glennon described being "pinker than P!nk" when jamming out to P!nk. She called it "Magenta." 

Damn it, I get it! 

For the last two days my P!nk playlist has been on repeat, and I've performed song after song for me, myself, and I. I've danced. I may have "ugly cried" to multiple tracks multiple times. It's like I've just discovered P!nk and realized how her music and lyrics are so honest and human and relatable and beautiful.

When we cannot or do not have the words to articulate what's necessary for us to be heard, seen, and understood, music and books understand us. This is why I love reading and listening; why I love music and books. They are allies, advocates, and friends. 

On the worst days, there's a song or songs that can give sound to the feelings. On the best days, there's a song or songs that can give sound to the merriment. On the days of my damnable inarticulation, I can be "pinker than P!nk." I can be magenta. Thank goodness for music and books. 

Happy

...Can somebody find me a pill

To make me un-afraid of me?

Seen every therapist, but I’m a cynical bitch

Don’t like to talk about my feelings

I take another hit, I find another fake fix

‘Cause it’s easier than healing

I don’t wanna be this way forever

Keep telling myself that I’ll get better

Every time I try, I always stop me

Maybe I’m just scared to be happy...

I’m so scared of having something to lose

I’m scared of being somebody new

I’m so scared of all them seeing the truth

‘Cause right now I’ve got nothing

But I don’t wanna be this way forever

Keep telling myself that I’ll get better

Every time I try, I always stop me

Maybe I’m just scared to be happy

-P!nk

90 Days

If I'm just somebody that you're gonna leave

And you don't feel something when you look at me
You're holdin' my heart, mmm, whatcha say?
Just let me down slowly, I'll be okay
If you're just some habit that I gotta break
I can clear my system in 90 days
You're holdin' my heart, mmm, whatcha say?
Just let me down slowly

-P!nk & Wrabel

All I ask is

If this is my last night with you

Hold me like I'm more than just a friend

Give me a memory I can use

Take me by the hand while we do

What lovers do

It matters how this ends

'Cause what if I never love again?

-Adele

Planes and People

This morning I boarded a plane as I've only done a handful of times in my life. On the way to the airport, it struck me that the first time I ever travelled by airplane was from this same airport in this same city. It's odd and fascinating how life experiences overlap. I was travelling through Amarillo then; I live there now.

I was a 20 year old, sophomore college student flying to Dallas to surprise the boyfriend who would become the husband who would become the ex-husband. Shortly after that flight, I transferred from OPSU in Goodwell, Oklahoma to TAMUC in Commerce, Texas. I changed the course of my life, and I did it in part, if not largely, for that man.

Today I am a 30 year old college graduate flying to Los Angeles to visit the "special friend" who will become only God knows what. I certainly don't know, but nevertheless, here I am. I boarded this plane.

For some of you this will translate into "She is afraid to go into the world her own." To that I only have this to offer. I have an assortment of wonderful people in my life. I have a huge family and amazing friends. If I never boarded another plane to see "what if" with another man, I'd board them for my family and with my friends. I would board them with, by, and for myself. This isn't misplaced wanderlust.

For some of you this will translate into "She is searching for love." To this I say, "Quite the contrary." I am keenly aware that I am loved and cherished by many people. It would be self-deception of the greatest proportion for me to purport that I am unloved. My friends love me. My family loves me. My mother, father, and brothers loves me. My Grandma loves me. And, I have been loved, deeply, by more than one man. I know I am currently loved by more than one man. This isn't a romantic quest to find "true love." 

For some of you this will translate into "She is manifesting her unhealed traumas. She hasn't heal." I'll level with you. I've considered this. To us, both you and I, I have this to offer. I've gone to therapy. I've discussed my history and hurts. I've been provided tools. I believe in those tools. I've applied many of them. I know and believe that I can change my life in any way I want. I know I am not required to live in dysfunction and chaos. I know that I, like all of God's beings, deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I know that I, like all of God's beings, have intrinsic, unchanging worth. I know that professional help is available to me anytime I need for my $30 copay.  

Simply put. This is about curiosity. 

Inside of me there is a fury of emotion, energy, love, and passion, and I want to channel of all of that in the direction of one person or as many people as necessary to feel and experience it all fully. This is not "please pick me and love me " This is "please brace yourself for the impact of me." I want to unleash myself on a capable other, and I want to experience his or her unleashing. I want to be wild.

I have a pretty solid idea of what would of happened if I stayed home. I have no idea what will happen because I boarded this plane. Maybe it changes nothing. Maybe it shifts everything. Only God knows. 

I know with certainty that every time I've boarded a plane for another person, I have gained and lost. I explored. I discovered. I felt fear and thrill and uncertainty and excitement. My life is an experiment, and I'm the mad, brave, battered, and beautiful scientist. My life is a plane to any and everywhere I want to explore, and I'm just mad enough to board again and again.

See you when I land. 🖤

Wayward Conviction

If the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much, should the wayward woman bother to send prayers up? Will her sincerity carry juxtapose to her sins? Does her petitions reach Heaven or dwindle in the wind? Like gifts without love, are prayers without piety clanging gongs and clashing cymbals? Tell me is there a hierarchy system based on conversion? Can she pray without ceasing and remain firm in her perversions? Is that grace, hypocrisy, or reprobation? She withdraws these questions from your consideration. For she is persuaded that if the metric is righteousness or wickedness, her prayers cannot be weighted. 

Ignite it.

Even if it is unhealthy,

With great risks too,

I still want it.

Let me be consumed by you.

Let's set me ablaze.

Watch my walls burn down.

Let's open me up.

Please stake whatever's found.

Enter my world;

Change it for good.

Make your presence felt

Like no one before you could.

I'll adore your every impression

On my mind,

Heart,

Being.

I will barter dependence

For the liberty of needing

You.