This morning I boarded a plane as I've only done a handful of times in my life. On the way to the airport, it struck me that the first time I ever travelled by airplane was from this same airport in this same city. It's odd and fascinating how life experiences overlap. I was travelling through Amarillo then; I live there now.
I was a 20 year old, sophomore college student flying to Dallas to surprise the boyfriend who would become the husband who would become the ex-husband. Shortly after that flight, I transferred from OPSU in Goodwell, Oklahoma to TAMUC in Commerce, Texas. I changed the course of my life, and I did it in part, if not largely, for that man.
Today I am a 30 year old college graduate flying to Los Angeles to visit the "special friend" who will become only God knows what. I certainly don't know, but nevertheless, here I am. I boarded this plane.
For some of you this will translate into "She is afraid to go into the world her own." To that I only have this to offer. I have an assortment of wonderful people in my life. I have a huge family and amazing friends. If I never boarded another plane to see "what if" with another man, I'd board them for my family and with my friends. I would board them with, by, and for myself. This isn't misplaced wanderlust.
For some of you this will translate into "She is searching for love." To this I say, "Quite the contrary." I am keenly aware that I am loved and cherished by many people. It would be self-deception of the greatest proportion for me to purport that I am unloved. My friends love me. My family loves me. My mother, father, and brothers loves me. My Grandma loves me. And, I have been loved, deeply, by more than one man. I know I am currently loved by more than one man. This isn't a romantic quest to find "true love."
For some of you this will translate into "She is manifesting her unhealed traumas. She hasn't heal." I'll level with you. I've considered this. To us, both you and I, I have this to offer. I've gone to therapy. I've discussed my history and hurts. I've been provided tools. I believe in those tools. I've applied many of them. I know and believe that I can change my life in any way I want. I know I am not required to live in dysfunction and chaos. I know that I, like all of God's beings, deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I know that I, like all of God's beings, have intrinsic, unchanging worth. I know that professional help is available to me anytime I need for my $30 copay.
Simply put. This is about curiosity.
Inside of me there is a fury of emotion, energy, love, and passion, and I want to channel of all of that in the direction of one person or as many people as necessary to feel and experience it all fully. This is not "please pick me and love me " This is "please brace yourself for the impact of me." I want to unleash myself on a capable other, and I want to experience his or her unleashing. I want to be wild.
I have a pretty solid idea of what would of happened if I stayed home. I have no idea what will happen because I boarded this plane. Maybe it changes nothing. Maybe it shifts everything. Only God knows.
I know with certainty that every time I've boarded a plane for another person, I have gained and lost. I explored. I discovered. I felt fear and thrill and uncertainty and excitement. My life is an experiment, and I'm the mad, brave, battered, and beautiful scientist. My life is a plane to any and everywhere I want to explore, and I'm just mad enough to board again and again.
See you when I land. 🖤
