Incongruent living is NOT for me.

I've mastered facades, conformity, passivity, and inauthenticity. I do not want nor do I like the results those things produce.

Now, high on my list of life priorities is being myself and getting my shit together. And, I am not going to apologize if it makes anyone else uncomfortable.

I am purposely caring less about what others think.
I am purposely speaking up.
I am purposely being myself in all of my states including the ones I usually attempt to hide from most people.

Incongruent living is not for me.

Autonomy

Lately, I have been forced to confront many of my truths, and autonomy has been a reoccurring theme during this process. Although I am ashamed to admit it, I am not as autonomous as I believed myself to be, and I have surrendered so many of my freedoms to fear.

Many people do not know this because it's not something I like to advertise, but I do not drive. I know how to drive. I don't. In fact, in the past three years I can count the number of times that I have driven on one hand. Whenever I am behind the wheel of a car, for a reason I yet to discover,  I feel a debilitating amount of anxiety and fear. Consequently, I avoid the act. At 24 years of age, embarrassingly, I am dependent on others for transportation. And, it is not okay.

I had to be somewhere at 7:30 this morning. With limited options and too much pride, I decided I would have to take the bus to get there. You wouldn't believe the courage I had to muster up to follow through with that decision. Again, fear showed its ugly face, and I was incredibly anxious.

What if I got lost in this unfamiliar city? 

What if I was confused and ended up on the wrong bus? 

How would I know I was approaching the correct stop?

 What if I am late?

For this seemingly simple action, I had to have many pep talks with myself and a few with someone else as well. 

I arrived at my destination safely with time to spare. And, I felt empowered and relieved. I was able to get from point A to point B, and I did not have to rely on others to do so. Yes, I used public transportation and relied on a service, but that did not make it any less freeing for me.

Tonight, I decided I wanted to sit at Starbucks, have a drink, and enjoy some personal time. Normally, I would have been at the mercy and whims of someone else to do so. This time I boldly used the same mode of transportation that caused me so much anxiety earlier in the day.

So as I sit drinking my favorite unhealthy and rather expensive drink, I feel a sense of autonomy that I did not have yesterday.

I want to become fully autonomous. I can own my truth and admit that I am not there now. However, with many small steps and little victories over fear and anxiety, I will reclaim my freedom to act and be. Today, I am using the public transportation system. I will own and drive my own vehicle one day in the not-so-distant future. 

I used to pray for strength often. "Lord, please give me strength." I said those words so many times. Now, I am strong, but I lack courage. My new frequent prayer is for courage. "Lord, please give me courage." I once heard someone say that without courage it is impossible to practice all other virtues. And, I believe it.

It's can be comfortable and safe to be reliant on others. It can also be hindering. I know it will require courage and time for me to get to my place of autonomy. This is a great lesson in humility for me, and I am grateful for that.

Forever Grateful

After three years, Kevin and I are ending our marriage. As you can probably imagine, it was not easy to make and follow through with this decision, and it is a decision accompanied by a range of varying and often conflicting emotions.

Although the decision is mutual and in the best interest of both parties, it is incredibly difficult. While the dissolution of our marriage is not the end of our love, it is the end of a dream we once shared about our life, each other, and our future. It feels like defeat, and it is a very real and great loss. Naturally, I can't help but feel the sadness and weight of it all.

That sadness quickly exhausts itself when I think about how much we have both grown as individuals because of our relationship; how we're trying our best to be good and unselfish during this process; and how much better we'll be when the dust settles.

Kevin is a good person, and I think of myself as a good person as well. We, however, are not good together. And I rather us be the best versions of ourselves apart than the worst versions of ourselves together.

I pray that Kevin has happiness, love, peace, and prosperity. I pray that he is healed from any hurt caused by me and our relationship. I pray that he continues to become the best man and person he can be. And I pray those same prayers for myself.

I am forever grateful to have experienced our good times as they brought us much joy. I am forever grateful for our bad times as they taught us many lessons.

The Right Thing To Do

"What seems like the right thing to do could also be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life."

Life is complicated that way. When the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do, we have to remember that our hearts and spirits are more resilient and durable than we feel they are. Although  difficult choices can bend us beyond what we think our limits are and hurt us like hell, they won't break us. We can survive the hardest decisions.

This song describes a period of my life, and I am moved every time I hear it.

Mary J. Blige - Whole Damn Year (Official Audio): http://youtu.be/Go_IjcRahlg

I Don't Have My Crap Together

I've been trying to let this sink in. I feel that there is so much that I should already have figured out. There's so much I want to see, do, and accomplish. I am not who I want to be or where I want to be. In my own eyes, I am somewhat of a mess. I know I am too hard on myself in many areas and too laxed in others. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I am 24, and give myself a break. Nope, I don't have my crap together, but I'll keep going until I do.
#twenties #trialanderror #learning #growing #trying #failing #itisallgood

Unsolicited Apology

Today I received an unsolicited apology from someone who hurt me deeply many years ago. I had already forgiven him, and I never expected an apology to come. I actually believed that this individual could care less about the damage he had caused my heart. It is easy to imagine then how taken back I was by his apology. It moved me in a way that was unexpected.
Because he was my "first love," most people did not take this heartbreak seriously. In the eyes of many, we had "puppy love," and it was written off as such. To me, however, it was much more than that. I loved him when my heart was taintless. I trusted him. We had self-disclosure. I saw the best in him; I wanted him to see the best in me. And, I knew he loved me too. Our love and relationship was a combination of things that made it all seemingly peculiar for people our age. (I think our backgrounds contributed to this.) As naive as it was, I was certain that we shared something authentic.
The devastation I felt when things went in the direction they ultimately went in is difficult to describe. It took a toll on me in many areas. It changed me. I carried that hurt for a long time, but I did get over it.
I learned to forgive him and accept our lot. Most surprising to me, I learned to love him from a distance and that I could still be happy for his triumphs, sadden by his trials, and a source of prayers and well-wishes for him. I credit him and that relationship for teaching me some important things about the nature of love and its resilience.
This unsolicited, no-strings-attached apology came YEARS later, and moved me to tears. I felt a combination of gratitude, relief, and closure. I know it took courage and humility, and I am so thankful that he acted on both.
I once read that "forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself;" well maybe a sincere, unsolicited expression of remorse is a gift you give to someone else. We do not have to ability to undo did; there is no regression for actions. Thankfully, we can move forward. 

Forgiveness is so vital! We have to embrace it; we need it to achieve wholeness and happiness. We need it to progress. I too have hurt people and caused others pain, and I too need to make sure I am freely and genuinely giving unsolicited apologies. Let's act with courage and humility and earnestly apologize to those who we have wronged.