Round of Applause

"Hello Weirdo."

You were lying on the ground, taking in the sun after a long drive.

I approached the odd scene, laughed, and immediately relaxed. This would be a reunion of kindred spirits. And it was. It still is.

...

While my initial reaction based off that one episode was annoyance and Are you kidding me?, I've continued to listen. Your podcast is a thing of beauty. It is honest. It borders appalling and offensive. It is cerebral. It is educational. It is, at times, comical. 

It's you. 

I've cried, laughed, and angered listening to you share your thoughts with all of us. Isn't that reflective of conversations with you? From the opening reading of a poem or excerpt mirroring your literary choices - Poe, Whitman, Frost, Yeats, and the like - to the observations laid at the feet of listeners, you do what you do best. 

Elucidate. 

Challenge. 

Not give a f***.

It's an art. Of course, it is. You are not just "an open nerve;" you are an artist. You are among the most honest of us.

I am a fan. 

I am a supporter.

I am a well-wisher.

Stay on this path.

Euphemisms

Bullshitting ourselves and others is easy. Far. Too. Easy. Among the many reasons, I appreciate my therapist is truth orienting. There's a deeper level of information she knows, so the call out - the call to awareness and accountability - is effective. It can also be jarring.

I woke up with yesterday's session on my mind. I woke up writing to connect dots. I love to write. I love to take the most comfortable of my thoughts and feelings and put them into some comprehensible, palatable format. I do not love journaling. 

I do not enjoy taking an audience with myself for the uncomfortable conversations.

I can bullshit when I blog to an invisible, nonexistent "public." I can euphemize. I can say a lot without actually giving anything away. "Queen PR." It's a skill.

Journaling, to me, is euphemism and bullshit free writing. It's undressed, unedited, unfiltered conversations with self. And, I am no easy audience.

...

The other day [and most of my life], my dad chided again. 

"Stop saying 'You don't know, LeKechia.' You do know. 'I don't know' undercuts everything you say before and afterward. I don't want a person talking to me who don't know. You question yourself and opinions mid conversation."

"I don't know everything, Papa Lee. Some things I am still figuring out."

"...Well say that then. Say you're figuring it out."

"I can do that if it makes you more comfortable. But, you know "I'm still figuring it out" is just a euphemism for "I don't know. We're saying the same thing."

My dad laughed.

"I guess you're right, but I'll take the euphemism."

For Sarah

"This is the kind of home a Stephen King grows up in."

"We love Stephen King."

My prediction was prophetic.

 

One of the most articulate, artistic, authentic humans l know grew up there. Surrounded by the type of love and acceptance that makes my inner child joyous, he found himself there. 

When I think about parenting and loving foundations, I think about the humans who fed us delicious meals; welcomed our loudness, karaoke, and laughter; mourned at a table with friends; and built a beautiful life suited for them. I think about you. You became the mother you deserved.

Adore you always.

Adore him always. 

Part II

Here we are all these years later;

I'm maintaining what's necessitated. Since there are appetites that cannot be satiated and intrigue is often ingratiating, the connection is potent and seemingly fated. The memories linger without fading; and tactile traces stimulate elation. Hear me good; it's all a hallucination. Your present is worthy of elevation over a past that is an idealization. "There is no there" here, and I will not offer materialization.

In 2020, I wrote "His Mind Won't Roam" inspired by Maya Angelou's "They Went Home."

Do Good

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:9‬ ‭KJV‬‬

And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. 

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:9‬ ‭NLT‬‬

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. 

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:9‭ ‭MSG‬‬

So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. 

Clumsy AF

Even if you plan every detail, you cannot control all events. So let go. Accept your current state of being.

 

"Practice gratitude." 

For the past two weeks, my therapist and I have been speaking about control. My need for it. The origins of that. Why I'm so unsettled when things feel beyond my control. How control is an illusion. How it is all really about safety - feeling unsafe.

This season is teaching me relinquishment, acceptance, and trust. Although I'm resisting these methods, I will get the lessons. In the end, I'll learn and grow. I will be wiser. 

My initial thought was "You gotta be fucking kidding me. The power is out." Then, I laughed. Since yesterday I've been fussing about controlling environments, and I can't control the environment. 

I can accept my current state of being.

And make peace with the ironies.

Acceptance is a graceful act, and often I'm clumsy af.

Beneath

Beneath the stone exterior lies a delicate soul. Beneath the bravado is fear. Beneath confident assertions are doubts. Beneath silent suppression needs shout. Beneath the calm a storm brews. Beneath the woman you know lives truth. 

Beneath 

adverb

be·​neath | \ bi-ˈnēth , bē- \

Definition (Entry 1 of 2)

1: in or to a lower position : BELOW

//the mountains and the towns beneath

2: directly under : UNDERNEATH

Morning Musings

Traditions. Values. Whys?

There is something about modeling behavior, particularly for children, that causes me to become questioning and curious. If I am to pass down a tradition or value, shouldn't I take it to task? Shouldn't I know why I continue to incorporate it into my life? Shouldn't I try it on for size and know if it fits me? Shouldn't I set it aside and learn myself free from its influence?

"Just because," "everyone says," or "always has been" are insufficient if I am to teach an impressionable being a concept, idea, quality, practice, or action.

The ways in which I do and do not live according to my conscience are at the forefront. In June 2021 I altered my life's course in the name of self-actualization. Because I broke my heart (and maybe others) for wholeness, authenticity, and my conscience's approval, I must continue self and life examination. I must not adhere to standards that do not suit my soul.

"If all the world hated you and believed you wicked, while your own conscience approved of you and absolved you from guilt, you would not be without friends." - Charlotte Brontë