Free Fall

"My problem," she loathed to admit, "is that I prefer all or nothing. I am a most fearsome risk-taker. I cling to the fence until it is time to leap. Then I jump as if everything is certain." 

Good Lies

Last night I dreamt of that lover from a past life, the only one who will ever know me as wife. This was the second dream in as many weeks. What does his appearance mean? 

I chose him when I was 17 and married him at 21 yet I cannot remember how his skin smelled, lips felt, or the sound of his laughter. Parts of our life together are as fresh in my memory as yesterday, but he has faded. And, I didn't even try to remember.

No, this isn't lingering regret.

There is a piece of me that still craves normalcy. Naturally, he represents that; the time I tried to be good and do things as I should. I distorted his vision, and he saw all the markings of a future life. I contorted my being and forced myself into a lie. I needed normal. I wanted to be normal. He was my normal.

Normal equaled functional. It meant church on Sundays and a home where dad, mom, and children shared a last name. Normal demanded I swallow my passions, hide my natures, and parade in my skin as somebody else. For normal, I sat on closet floors and cried alone; I knelt at alters and prayed to atone; and I hated everyone who loved her.

But, here I am again romanticizing a life that fit me like noose. He is my mental picture of normal because a teenage girl willed him to be so. Fourteen years later, his apparition reminds the woman of what she secretly believed for years. "Good girls love good guys and live good lives. And, if it's all pretend, at least it's a good lie."

Cheers to 31 (Happy Birthday to Me)

I am managing a lot of change, and I have not handled it the best. While I typically look forward to getting older, I was stressing about turning 31. "30 was supposed to be a productive year, and I haven't accomplished anything."

The pity party was real, y'all. 🥴

On Tuesday or Wednesday, I decided to make a list of this year's progress. I was surprised that there was progress. Although everything did not happen as I wanted or planned, good happened at 30. Between September 2020 and September 2021:

I earned the most of my professional life.
I reduced my debt by over $7K.
I increased my assets.
I increased my credit score.
I decreased my weight and kept it off. 🙌🏿
I contributed to a travel fund.
I ziplined and rock climbed.
I walked more than ever. (I logged over 1 million steps per Fitbit, and that damn thing was broken for so many months throughout the year. 🤦🏿‍♀️🤪)
I visited my family for the first time since 2018.
I saw Azelynn and met Ariah and Azariah (my nieces and nephews).
I visited two states I never traveled to before.
I fell in love with Fredrik Backman and read/listened to many other books.
I joined the NRWA and started preparing for certification.
I was hired and paid to write resumes. (Technically, I am a paid writer. 🤯)

Good happened. I'm so grateful for all the people who are/were a part of my 30th year of life. I am grateful for these experiences. I am grateful for this progress. I am grateful for everyone who made me feel seen, loved, and valued on my 31st birthday. I am especially grateful for Karina and Tomi.

Cheers to 31! 🥂🥳🎉🎂 May good & progress continue to happen. 🤞🏿🙏🏿 

48

"May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every run...

May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong...
May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift...
May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
And may you stay forever young"

-Bob Dylan

31

It was just like a movie. It was just like a song. My God, this reminds me of when we were young. Let me photograph you in this light in case it is the last time that we might be exactly like we were before we realized. We were sad of getting old; it made us restless...

Oh, I'm so mad I'm getting old; it makes me reckless.

- When We We're Young | Adele

Acceptance vs. Suffocation

I need room to be all of me.

So, let me breathe. Allow me to be.

I am home to curiosities,

Id​i​o​syn​cra​sies, and deficiencies.

Eventually, you will see

As I cannot hide perpetually.

If you cannot live with all of me,

Set me free. Allow me to breathe.

A Loss I Feel

I thought, "Stocks are on sale today."

And, I smiled.

It was good to hear your voice.

Even in my imagination,

Your influence lingers.

Your perspective still gives.

Your friendship is cherished.

You are still missed.

Ap​por​tion​ment

I was unsound before You; You are not to blame for my madness. I knew depression before You, and You're not at the root of my sadness. I was on the fence before I met You. No, You did not force me to leap. I was here before our paths crossed, so You are not liable for me. I am responsible for my madness, sadness, and leaps, but You created this need. And, it is for You alone. it is for You alone. 

Inglorious | Imagine Us In Glory

Babies

Laughter

Rainbows

&

You

Sunshine

Books

Hope

&

Me

We

Are

Among

The

Beauty

Even in our brokenness

Even with our chaos

Even though we are flawed

Even if we stay lost

Phantom

"As it is, I can’t settle, I want someone who is fierce and will love me until death and know that love is as strong as death, and be on my side for ever and ever. I want someone who will destroy and be destroyed by me."

- Jeanette Winterson | Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit

Wondering in the Dark

I read that God is not the author of confusion. I heard that the devil lives in details. I wonder if this constant state of flux is divinely inspired or a living hell. I once felt it would all make sense; today that smells like religiosity and bullshit. For the life of me I cannot see the connections, and I need the context for peace. What happens next? I wish I could say. As for me and my mind, confusion continues its assault on clarity. And I am both conspirator and casualty.