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I don't know where this leads.
Will I still recognize me?
When my being's whole
And my truth is spoke
Who will I be?
Will I recognize me?

27:13

One foot in front of the other
Moments turned into days
Though many times she grew weary
She's walking anyway
One breath after another
Heartbeat to heartbeat
Fear threatened asphyxiation,
But she was determined to breathe
With awareness of all she's survived
Her heart echos the psalmist
Gratitude fills her being
She embraces hope and continues to journey

Love and Light

"Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it." -Elizabeth Gilbert / Eat, Pray, Love

The Warm-up

I found Grace and Frankie. Well, actually, they found me. Netflix was like "You should totally watch this show; you two are a 98% match." Fortunately for me, I trust Netflix's algorithms.

I love Grace and Frankie. I love that they're two women navigating life, friendship, family, love, AND careers. They are hilarious. They're unfiltered. They're bold. They're beautiful. And, they are older adult women. At the series start, Grace and Frankie are 70!

Perhaps for the first time, I've been picturing myself at 70, and it is really something. To think that I haven't even lived half of my life adds perspective. It took some pressure off the first 28 years.

I'll be 29 soon-ish.  Before I know it, I'll be 30 and saying good riddance to my twenties, the trial by fire, and I am determined to end this chapter on a triumphant note. I am hell-bent on making decisions 30 year old Kechia will be glad I made. I've been thinking of her a lot, and that is something I can celebrate even now.

I am a capable, fairly intelligent, resilient woman, and I am not in my prime. I'm warming up. 😁 Yep, two badass, fictional women portrayed by two vybrant,* real women inspired me.

*[sic] aka not a typo. Just watch the show. 😜

Befittingly...
Rupi Kaur / Timeless
the sun and her flowers
"they convinced me
i only had a few good years left
before i was replaced by a girl younger than me
as though men yield power with age
but women grow into irrelevance
they can keep their lies
for i have only gotten started
i feel as though i just left the womb
my twenties are the warm-up
for what i’m really about to do
wait till you see me in my thirties
now that will be a proper introduction
to the nasty, wild, woman in me.
how can i leave before the party’s started
rehearsals begin at forty
i ripen with age
i do not come with an expiration date
and now
for the main event
curtains up at fifty
let’s begin the show"

Braver. Wiser. Better.

A little over a month ago, on an especially challenging, lonely, and mentally grueling night, I lie in my bed sobbing. My sadness was the only thing palpable and within reach. It clung to me. I recalled a paraphrase of a scripture I've heard many times but never read.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes with morning light."

I tried to immerse myself in the hope of morning's light, but I was engulfed in darkness. It pulled me back to the moment and the facts. And the facts of that particular moment in time is that my heart was broken, and I was scared, alone, angry, and incredibly sad. There was no light to look forward to; I would not make it to the morning. How could I? How could my mind and body survive this degree of emotional pain? No, it wouldn't. This time, I would break.  I accepted my fate.

I stopped struggling. I stopped searching my mental index for scriptures and platitudes. I stopped looking for poetry and lyrics to strengthen me. I stopped fighting, and the oddest thing happened. From somewhere deep within me I heard "I will emerge braver, wiser, better." I listened as my soul stabilized my self with powerful insistence and surety.

The tears did not cease, but they did slow. I was still sad, but I was comforted. I fell asleep repeating "I will emerge braver, wiser, better." Since that day, this has become my battle cry. It is my patronus*. It is the sound of hope that my most authentic self recognizes.

Emerging is a process. It is damn hard, often shitty, work, but it is affirming, rewarding, beautiful work. Keep going. Keep living. You will emerge...BRAVER. WISER. BETTER.

emerge
verb | \i-ˈmərj\
1: to become manifest : become known

2: to rise from or as if from an enveloping fluid : come 
out into view

3: to rise from an obscure or inferior position or condition

4: to come into being throughevolution

When I Get Home

"I can't be a singular expression of myself
there's too many parts,
too many spaces,
too many manifestations,
too many lines,
too many curves,
too many troubles,
too many journeys,
too many mountains,
too many rivers,
so many"
-Solange / Can I Hold the Mic

A Seat at the Table

"Fall in your ways, so you can crumble
Fall in your ways, so you can sleep at night
Fall in your ways, so you can wake up and rise
Walk in your ways, so you won't crumble
Walk in your ways, so you can sleep at night
Walk in your ways, so you will wake up and rise"
-Solange / Rise

A Seat at the Table

"I'm gonna look for my body, yeah
I'll be back real soon....
But you know that a king is only a man
With flesh and bones,
he bleeds just like you do
He said, 'Where does that leave you?'
And, 'Do you belong?'
I do.
I do...
I'm going to look for my glory, yeah
I'll be back real soon..."
- Solange / Weary

Mirror Conversations

I know you. Hello Old Friend!
I missed you. Where have you been?
It is a pleasure to see joy in your eyes.
And today you're actually wearing a real smile.
Ah!
You must be reacquainted with Hope
because I feel your soul.
She sparkles again.
How I've missed you,
my Dearest Old Friend!
I'm so glad we've reconnected.

"Nitro Chris Hemsworth"

Last night, for the first time in weeks, I slept without waking at 3 am. I dreamt happy, lovely dreams. I laughed, loudly and without care, during my morning shower. I dressed with the lightness of someone without depression. I felt present at work. I wandered the aisles of a craft store and happened on a sale. I spent the evening engrossed in a project that felt good.

I experienced a gloriously satisfying day.

I lie in bed listening to the rain with awareness that healing is within my reach. Whether tomorrow is a good day or bad one, I'll still possess that knowledge. I will still have this hope.