Today, I lost my shit because I thought of you. Your very presence in my mental space caused an upheaval. I panicked. "Fuck! What if I'm not over him?" I questioned myself. It has been two years since I saw your face, but only 9 months, 29 days since I realized we could never revive our decay. On April 13th 2017 I finally accepted there was no possibility for health and wholeness and us. I chose the former. In relative sanity, I find it unbelievable that there was actual deliberation. Part of me wanted to choose us. Thankfully, self-preservation presided. I once deemed myself an Algophobic Masochist and you a Roadblock in my path, stubborn and immovable. Thankfully, Perspective is fluid, and Experience still reigns supreme. You cleared my way when I powered from inner-strength. I rejected that fear and pain when I committed to self-love. Ha! It just occurred to me: "I am okay. I will be okay! 'I may think of you softly from time to time. But I will cut off my hand before I’ll ever reach for you again.'"
Written 02/10/18, Posted 11/10/18
