To know you is to love you. Are you unknown to self?

The "I'm unlovable" story is just that. A story. Fiction. Made up by several unkind contributors, it is comprised of half truths and untruths. Have you seen the way your eyes sparkle when you're excited? Have you experienced your energy when it's electric radiating joy and confidence? Have you been on the receiving end of your love, support, and advocacy? Do you remember, not for the sake of ego, rumination, or validation, how you made them feel they could explore galaxies, conquer worlds, and slay dragons? How you make them laugh? The safety and nurturing you bring? How you listen? How you see others with interest and curiosity? Do you know what it's like to sit with you in silence as you hold space? Have you seen you at rest? My dear, you have a treasure trove of loving experiences. See even the smallest moments. Interrupt the story. You are well-loved, and baby, you are lovable.

The Glory is Within You

Some of the angst we feel - alone, with others, in our heads and bodies - so much of it is unnecessary suffering. So much unnecessary suffering comes from uninterrupted stories and patterns.

Lately, The Universe has given me clear signs. (One day, I'll write about them, sharing them as clearly as they came. For now, I just accept the responsibility to interrupt my stories, patterns, and suffering.)

The signs are so obvious that I feel particularly known. It is as though the Loving Higher Power was like, "There can be no ambiguity with that one in this season," and provided the clarity my mind and heart desires.

I feel a lot of feelings about this insistent clarity. I think a lot of thoughts about seeing that familiar classroom door; about walking by it - even though I'm comfortable with that particular teaching style and environment. I want to peer in the window because maybe, just maybe, there's something new being divulged. 

I also know which of my wants originate from survival and which originate from me.

Mostly, I know I can have my truest, most beautiful life. Worthiness isn't about what I've done or didn't do. It isn't about how I look or do not look. It's not about my earnings, education, credit score, net worth, network, possessions, or anything outside of me.

They tried to convince me that the best predictor of the future is the past. I call bullshit. 11 year old Kechia didn't know. 18 year old Kechia didn't know. 21 year old Kechia didn't know. 26 year old Kechia didn't know. Even, 30 year old Kechia did not know what I know now. 

I am rescuing them. I am rescuing me. I will show us that the best predictor of the future is awareness, desire, and commitment. I will disrupt our unnecessary suffering and create the life history said we were unworthy to live. I see and believe what they could not. 

Peter once asked me when it was that I fell in love with Jack. And I told him, "It was while you were sleeping."

If all the world hated you and believed you wicked, while your own conscience approved of you and absolved you from guilt, you would not be without friends.

Charlotte Brontë | Jane Eyre

"Such is your luck, such you are called to see, and let it come rough or smooth, you must surely bare it." 

- Nat Turner 

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James Baldwin

What if my curiosity saves me?

If growing up is painful for the Southern Black girl, being aware of her displacement is the rust on the razor that threatens the throat. It is an unnecessary insult. 

- Maya Angelou | I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

I connected to these words so deeply as girl, teen, and young woman. They lingered within me waiting for evolution in my understanding. Nearly a decade ago, searching for a way to describe myself and my experience, I titled this blog, Unnecessary Insults.

Tonight, I have more clarity about the connection and displacement. I also have more questions. I am reminded of something I read in passing earlier today. I am left with one word:

Investigate

verb

in·​ves·​ti·​gate | \ in-ˈve-stə-ˌgāt \

in​ves​ti​gat​ed; in​ves​ti​gat​ing

Definition

transitive ​verb

: to observe or study by close examination and systematic inquiry

intransitive ​verb

: to make a systematic examination

especially : to conduct an official inquiry

Perhaps I was given this curiosity in these specific set of circumstances with my worldview, history, family, strengths, and challenges to birth the desire and capacity to observe, study, examine and, hopefully, know.

Now, I know only enough to know that I know in part. Now, I am curious enough to root around and find out

...

Since I was 17 years old, I've held this week in October in a private vigil, noting the day even without trying. It's been 7 years. 7, I'm told, is a number of completion. Maybe, like the good and faithful servants, I've watched long enough. No more razor or rust. Just the wisdom gained from unnecessary insults and invaluable lessons.