Today I hired a sitter for the first time.
I actually went through with it. I nearly canceled multiple times. I delayed the start time by an hour, and it took me over an hour to leave the house. Nevertheless, here I am. I walked to a cafe. I took a moment.
Still, it is strange. Isn’t it? Leaving your child with a highly recommended, but unknown human.
This feels like a test run. I’m a 20 minute walk (3 minute drive) from home. I do not have any formal plans. I am giving myself permission to tap into all resources available to me. I’m releasing a little control.
“Miss A” is a kind human. In the time that I lingered, I cared for myself as she watched MJ. I heard and observed their interactions, and I do feel at ease. MJ is safe. He’s in his environment. He is receiving attention and care from a capable, honest, loving adult.
Still, it is strange. Isn’t it? I call my mom.
I did it!
She’s there? You didn’t cancel?
She is. I didn't. It’s so weird!
What? Having a stranger in your home watching your baby?
Yes! How was it for you, Mom?
Honestly, I never paid for a sitter. I had Mama, Tamika, Denise, and all of my nieces. Other than paying for daycare to work, I never had to hire a sitter for free time.
These are different times. My eldest niece and nephew aren’t even 10 years old yet. Plus, our family is over 300 miles away.
I wanted an extended shower with loud music. (No listening for cries or, worse, thuds.) I wanted a solo outdoor walk. I wanted to sit at a coffee shop and enjoy a drink and pastry. I wanted “Kechia time.”
It’s strange. Isn’t it? How identity expansions shift everything?
Everywhere I go, even when I am alone, MJ is with me because everything I do, in some way or another, impacts him. That thought is, all at once terrifying, awe-inspiring, and humbling. As much as I want to access the woman I was pre MJ, I have changed.
I do not buy into the propaganda that women are incomplete without children. I do think tethering - be it to a child, spouse/partner, sibling, parent, pet, etcetera - being accountable to and responsible for a being outside of self - shifts perspectives and priorities.
Sitting at a coffee shop, alone, on a Saturday night was once common for me. Now, it is extraordinarily ordinary. I am grateful for the sitter; the fresh air of an outdoor walk; to be outside of the home where I parent, live, and work; and the vibe of a cafe with good overhead music, service, beverages, and pastries.
Mostly, I’m grateful to get back home to a child who is still happy, safe, and okay.
