Santa Monica Pier

I stood there overwhelmed by its vastness. Tears in my eyes, next to the ocean and you, the water swayed as I was moved. I felt closer to the Creator. My mind traveled to my mom and our favorite lyric. 

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.

That moment was everything. It connected me to everything especially you.

Awareness Is A Win

Over the last two weeks I experienced anxiety that made me physically ill. My body and mind were on high alert. I struggled.

It's the kind of anxiety that makes me want to stay in bed, eat ice cream, binge Fraiser or Cheers, and not leave my home. 

It's the kind of anxiety that makes me the most unpleasant to those close to me.

It's the kind of anxiety that makes me most unkind to myself. 

On the verge of tears, freaking the fuck out, it occurred to me that this was not overwhelm from the situation. It was a manifestation of fear. Particularly, it was a manifestation of the fear of failure. 

I spoke aloud to myself. "You are not going to fail. You are not going to fail. This is not your failure." 

Thinking of something my therapist shared, I reframed, again aloud:

"You are going to succeed. You are going to succeed. You can do this. You got this."

I played a video with calming music and beautiful scenes on YouTube. I took a lot deep breaths. I calmed myself. 

The situation still scares me. It still feels overwhelming. I still experience anxiety. It's all more manageable though. I know the source. I am addressing fear of failure. I am disputing it. I see how it impacts me, and awareness makes a difference. 

Fear of failure has dictated so much action and inaction in my life. It's the thing that causes my anxiety to go into overdrive. It causes me to run and avoid. It diminishes my gifts and light. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Through therapy and consistency, I will overcome this. For now, I celebrate the moments of awareness. It is a win that I was able to reach within and settle myself. 

That, my dear readers, is progress.

Don't Be My Casualty

The things about me that make you come 

Are the very reasons you should run

My lips are sweet

I've mastered my tongue 

My love is energy

Affirming. Warm.

My shadows consume

"You were forewarned,"

I'll remind you softly

As our worlds turn

When this is over 

None are unscathed

And the war within me

Will continue to rage