By all metrics, I am doing better.
I've been diagnosed with hypertension for a decade. Since I was 21, my readings were hypertensive crisis high even with medication compliance. My BP is now consistently normal. The other day I had a reading of 96/63! 🤯
My blood pressure is definitely better.
I am below 200 pounds for the first time in forever! 🙌🏿👏🏿 In the past 90 days, I've lost 30 pounds. The other morning I worked out for 23 minutes in peak heart rate zone and enjoyed it. In fact, I am working out 4-6 times a week. I am eating better and sleeping well. My health is improving.
I look and feel so much better.
My credit score is up 100 points from last year. I no longer have credit card debt. I am planning for the future and saving for retirement. I still have so far to go, but my finances are better.
Even though I bitch far too frequently, I do not have any fires to put out and things are going relatively well. Work is challenging, but it is not beyond my abilities. The world is crazy, but that is not within my control. My default settings still give me hell, but I am putting more space between my feelings and reactions.
All things considered, my life is better.
Even so, I find myself unable to relax and be at ease with the present.
I am still prepared for the fight or flight. The voice of my mind continues to narrate with fear and panic. I recognize the security around me. I feel safe, but my instincts are still on alert. I am still uncomfortable with indications of permanency and mistrustful of lingering happiness.
And, what the fuck does this say about me?
It's quite obvious really. I have longstanding committment to displacement and desolation, and it is difficult to let them go. Perhaps, this better trend will continue. Maybe things will fall apart. Unfortunately, my clairvoyance is nonexistent. I know that, as always, shit will be what shit will be.
So? Maybe it is time to stop pursing happy and just be happy.
