It feels harsher.
I wore my mother's bras at 11 or 12. I was bigger than most of my classmates and cousins. I hated my big breasts and nose. I hated my smile. I hated that my skin was in between - neither that deep, rich chocolate nor that light, highly-praised yellow.
The larger I felt, the more I shrank.
Growing up a fat, black, hairy girl with a crooked smile felt, to my young self, like God had surely forsaken me.
I love Celie (The Color Purple) so much because she knows and expresses what it is like to be traumatized, overlooked, and unremarkable. Still, she overcomes. I am thankful Alice Walker put the following words in Celie's heart:
I'm pore, I'm black, I may be ugly and can't cook, a voice say to everything listening. But I'm here.
She articulated truth and affirmation. She touched the part of me that needed to know presence (being) is more important than appearance.
When I read Vashti Harrison's newly released children's book, Big, I cried for the little girl me. I wish I had this story as a child. It is beautifully affirming.
I am learning and unlearning.
"Pretty" and "beautiful" make me recoil; being called either triggers inner conversations that are uncomfortable. I still think about my appearance more than I'd like. Though I still must fight between self-acceptance and rejection; though I must separate the voices in my head as sheep and goats, I know a few things to be truth:
1. Moments, by definition, are brief.
2. Life and being are never punishments no matter how they feel/look in any given moment.
3. Freedom is always worth the fight.
4. The asshole voices - from without and within - must be shouted down even if that shout is a whisper.
5. Everyone should read The Color Purple and Big.
6. Acting ugly sometimes has nothing to do with bad behavior. Sometimes, it means acting unworthy.
Amending the words of my beloved Maya Angelou:
Now I understand
Just why my head’s cannot be bowed. I don’t need to shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When I see me passing,
It ought to make me proud.
P.S.: Someone called me pretty today. Clearly, it went over well.
