Last night, my mom and I had a disagreement that turned into a fiery argument. While we used to bump heads in this way frequently, it hasn't happened in a long time. Last night, my mom took some time, called me back, apologized, and validated my experience. I woke up this morning thinking about my Mom and reflecting on our contrasting perspectives and needs.
In order for my Mom to not have bitterness, resentment, and anger, she doesn't sit with or in hurt feelings. She acknowledges the hurtful nature of ______, and she resolves to let it go. l sit with and in hurt feelings. When I don't, I confuse hurt with anger, and I become bitter and resentful. I acknowledge the hurtful nature of ______, and I permit myself to hold on.
Yesterday I called my mom incensed about ______. My feelings were hurt; I wanted to vent. I felt that she did not understand and judged my emotional reaction to the situation. We then began to debate our responses to hurt feelings. She provided one of her life experiences and her response to that experience, and I said, That's not normal. That is not a normal response, Mama.
I said it in exasperation, but I've thought it for years. In fact, my dad and I often charge my Mom with being "love-suffering," and we don't mean it as a compliment. We sort of roll our eyes and take long, deep exhales. This morning, I woke up thinking long-suffering is not the right word. My mom is radical in forgiveness, and it bugs the shit out of me. "Look at her. She should be pissed at ______ for ______. I know I would. I would NEVER..."
It occurs to me only now that my Mom, with her exact life experiences and challenges, would be a different person if she did not protect her heart, kindness, and ability to be gentle with forgiveness and release. It also occurred to me that my Mom is exactly the kind of woman who intimately understands what it means to need mercy, and she is one of the most merciful people I know.
These qualities that I witnessed and judged her for sharing with others allowed me to bring her a plethora of experiences, intimacies, and secrets that I would have never shared if I didn't understand her deep capacity for mercy and forgiveness. I knew she would neither write me off nor devalue me. She'll love me rather I become "a hoe or housewife."
My Mom is the most faith affirming person in my life, and it has little to do with what she believes or preaches. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. I experience the love, grace, and mercy I've read about in the Bible in my relationship with her.
Who am I, comfortably distant from the life experiences and traumas my Mom has experienced, to say "Your choice to let go; refusal to sit with that pain; decision to forgive and show grace and mercy is not normal?" Maybe her capacity to forgive is directly related to her depth of pain, and I don't understand because I don't know.
You never really understand a person until you consider things from her point of view . . . until you climb into his skin and walk around in it. I owe my Mom an apology. Yesterday, when she called me back, she held space for me. Today, I will hold space for her.
Quick Note: I also realize that both of our methods (holding on too long or letting go too quickly) have dangers that we must be quick to recognize and careful to avoid.
