Lately, I have been forced to confront many of my truths, and autonomy has been a reoccurring theme during this process. Although I am ashamed to admit it, I am not as autonomous as I believed myself to be, and I have surrendered so many of my freedoms to fear.
Many people do not know this because it's not something I like to advertise, but I do not drive. I know how to drive. I don't. In fact, in the past three years I can count the number of times that I have driven on one hand. Whenever I am behind the wheel of a car, for a reason I yet to discover, I feel a debilitating amount of anxiety and fear. Consequently, I avoid the act. At 24 years of age, embarrassingly, I am dependent on others for transportation. And, it is not okay.
I had to be somewhere at 7:30 this morning. With limited options and too much pride, I decided I would have to take the bus to get there. You wouldn't believe the courage I had to muster up to follow through with that decision. Again, fear showed its ugly face, and I was incredibly anxious.
What if I got lost in this unfamiliar city?
What if I was confused and ended up on the wrong bus?
How would I know I was approaching the correct stop?
What if I am late?
For this seemingly simple action, I had to have many pep talks with myself and a few with someone else as well.
I arrived at my destination safely with time to spare. And, I felt empowered and relieved. I was able to get from point A to point B, and I did not have to rely on others to do so. Yes, I used public transportation and relied on a service, but that did not make it any less freeing for me.
Tonight, I decided I wanted to sit at Starbucks, have a drink, and enjoy some personal time. Normally, I would have been at the mercy and whims of someone else to do so. This time I boldly used the same mode of transportation that caused me so much anxiety earlier in the day.
So as I sit drinking my favorite unhealthy and rather expensive drink, I feel a sense of autonomy that I did not have yesterday.
I want to become fully autonomous. I can own my truth and admit that I am not there now. However, with many small steps and little victories over fear and anxiety, I will reclaim my freedom to act and be. Today, I am using the public transportation system. I will own and drive my own vehicle one day in the not-so-distant future.
I used to pray for strength often. "Lord, please give me strength." I said those words so many times. Now, I am strong, but I lack courage. My new frequent prayer is for courage. "Lord, please give me courage." I once heard someone say that without courage it is impossible to practice all other virtues. And, I believe it.
It's can be comfortable and safe to be reliant on others. It can also be hindering. I know it will require courage and time for me to get to my place of autonomy. This is a great lesson in humility for me, and I am grateful for that.
