Bought Lessons

My dad used to exclaim, "Ain't nothing like a bought lesson!" I still have to fight the urge to sigh and roll my eyes even though this 31 year old version of LeKechia agrees. I have been "buying" lessons for a number of years now, and I must agree. There's nothing like a bought lesson.

Good Night, Sir

"Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

I Trust You

I cannot decode Fear. He was there when I took leaps that were ultimately reckless, devastating falls. He was there when leaping gave way to soaring. He coursed my insides as I learned that leaps can be beautiful, life-affirming, and neccessary. Back again, Fear is neither threatening nor disarming, and I wonder if He is affirmation or warning.

 ...Though it doesn't really matter.

I have lost faith in Fear, and I no longer trust Intuition, Logic, or Peace. I am not fearless. It is not instinctual. It may never make sense. And, I experience doubt and confusion every step of the way. But...When I reach the ledge, nothing will stop me from leaping. Fear will be there; He will course my insides like only He can. And, I will know this is a reckless, devastating fall and beautiful and life-affirming and neccessary.

Untamed | Glennon Doyle

The 90% Percent

"The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes."

-Charles R. Swindoll

Free Fall

"My problem," she loathed to admit, "is that I prefer all or nothing. I am a most fearsome risk-taker. I cling to the fence until it is time to leap. Then I jump as if everything is certain." 

Good Lies

Last night I dreamt of that lover from a past life, the only one who will ever know me as wife. This was the second dream in as many weeks. What does his appearance mean? 

I chose him when I was 17 and married him at 21 yet I cannot remember how his skin smelled, lips felt, or the sound of his laughter. Parts of our life together are as fresh in my memory as yesterday, but he has faded. And, I didn't even try to remember.

No, this isn't lingering regret.

There is a piece of me that still craves normalcy. Naturally, he represents that; the time I tried to be good and do things as I should. I distorted his vision, and he saw all the markings of a future life. I contorted my being and forced myself into a lie. I needed normal. I wanted to be normal. He was my normal.

Normal equaled functional. It meant church on Sundays and a home where dad, mom, and children shared a last name. Normal demanded I swallow my passions, hide my natures, and parade in my skin as somebody else. For normal, I sat on closet floors and cried alone; I knelt at alters and prayed to atone; and I hated everyone who loved her.

But, here I am again romanticizing a life that fit me like noose. He is my mental picture of normal because a teenage girl willed him to be so. Fourteen years later, his apparition reminds the woman of what she secretly believed for years. "Good girls love good guys and live good lives. And, if it's all pretend, at least it's a good lie."